STBX abused my child in the worst way and I need support

[CompletelyAnnonymous]

Just to preface I don't need legal advice. This situation has already been reported and is being dealt with in a legal manner with police and court system. Professionals are involved.... to the degree we have been able to receive mental health services which are severely limited at this time (apparently due to Covid) What I am having a hard time with is dealing with my feelings of guilt, anger and fear. I have PTSD from childhood trauma as well as other instances including DV from the abuser who also abused my child. The situation is extremely triggering to me and I am having a hard time coping to say the least. I found out that he abused my child by reading messages my child sent to an online friend. We are in the process of a divorce and he was an extremely emotionally, mentally and physically abusive person who I fear would end my life in an instant if he could get away with it.... or if he was angry enough and near me.

I am devastated that my child went through this and even more so that I created a situation where my child didn't trust me enough to confide in me. The abuser manipulated both of us, with myself, being manipulated to be constantly fighting with my child over "problems." I thought that there was something behaviorally wrong with my child. (Or with me as a parent--something the abuser told me was the case many times.)

Many of these instances were fabrications made by the abuser (he went so far as to plant "evidence" of the accusations he would level at my child, but then ask me to be the one to solely deal with the situation and leave him out of it) and the rest were behaviors caused by the SA. The abuser used my attempts to discipline the child to make me the villain with himself as the savior to the child and made my child believe that they had a special and romantic relationship.

During this time I did become suspicious that someone was harming my child but I never suspected the actual abuser. This is something that haunts me. I had asked my child a few times/had talks with them about if anyone made them uncomfortable etc.... Looking back he was often present during these talks or at the very least in the home.

When I think about what my child endured during this time, I am completely devastated.... no devastated is not even a strong enough word I start to feel suicidal.... and no I don't actually want to do it but the absolute sadness and sense of failure is overwhelming...... I have talked to therapists and it helps a little bit. I had something similar but not as bad (I think- memories of it are very fuzzy) happen to me as a child and I have always been terrified and constantly concerned with this happening to my child but somehow I missed it for years. In some cases, I feel like I was complicit in the abuse due to the nature of how he manipulated me to discipline my child for certain behaviors that were symptoms of the abuse. I feel completely sick, disgusted with myself and angry.

I don't even think words can explain how absolutely bad I feel. I am having trouble completing day to day necessities and since I need to continue to take car of my child and be a good mom so that they can not endure any more trauma than they already have. I also need to stay sharp for the legal process to hold the abuser accountable and make sure that I protect my child from further interactions and abuse from this man.

Everything is triggering to me. I cannot watch tv, anytime it shows a romance I am triggered. Anytime I see a child the age that my child was when this occurred, I am triggered. After learning details, looking at certain furniture in the house triggers me. Having to deal with the legal aspects of the divorce is now completely emotionally overwhelming.... before this I could handle my emotions surrounding it.

The betrayal of it being a romantic partner, the guilt and the shame, the horror of it all.... I can't talk to people I know about this.... no one else would understand unless they went through it.... but I can't even find anything on people who are in my position.... is what I feel normal? I don't know.... I don't know how to cope..... I guess I just need to get this off my chest and I hope that anyone else who has been through this could share what they did. thanks

I have no experience but I wanted to say that I hear you.

From your description you and your dc have been manipulated, abused and very very badly treated by someone who did that on purpose. Just because they could.

Please remember it’s not your fault. It’s your ex fault. He abused his own dc. His abused you. He manipulated everyone.
That is all squarely in his shoulders.

I am so sorry you're going through this op.

First and foremost, you need to take any ounce of blame towards yourself away.

Its not that your child didn't trust you enough to tell you, they were being manipulated to hide this, literally groomed to show no signs.

You were also manipulated and groomed to not suspect him.

You are BOTH victims.

The minute you found out you believed your child and are accessing all available support and taking every precaution to rid your lives of the abuser.

Don't underestimate how hard that is. You're actually amazing op. It's an incredibly brave thing to do.

My own mother allowed my abuse to continue because she didn't want to move and split finances, even went as far to call my abuse 'an affair' that she forgave me for (when I was 11).

It doesn't sound like you need much in the way of advice on how to handle this, since you're doing absolutely everything you can, but you do need to stop taking the blame if you're blaming yourself then you're deflecting some of the blame from the person who is 100% responsible.

Is this her step Dad? How old is DD?

Sorry to hear what has happened it must be awful. You're both victims here.

I'm reluctant to give too many details because I'm scared he could somehow read this and know it was written by me but my child was very young when it occurred and now is a teen.

Thank you for the messages, in my mind what you are saying I know is true and also what the therapist and police have said but I can't seem to emotionally get behind it is the problem.

Do you have a therapist ongoing?

If you can possibly scrape the money, I would absolutely keep seeing a therapist and talk to them about also having some sessions with your DC, who must also have some deeply complex feelings about the situation.

I'm so sorry for what you went through, and your DC too. It was not your fault.

@CompletelyAnnonymous

Thank you for the messages, in my mind what you are saying I know is true and also what the therapist and police have said but I can't seem to emotionally get behind it is the problem.

It may take some time op.

Its almost like grieving. There are stages you go through and you're at blame now.

Of course when you're looking back now it's easy to spot things you feel were signs and warnings, but, as you've proved, if you knew you would have 100% protected your child.

The stage of blaming yourself is still part of the abusers grooming. He has conditioned you to blame yourself, and that sort of psychological damage can take a long time to undo.

Believe me when I say that one day, when it isn't all quite so raw, you will forgive yourself for your self perceived 'blame' and realise that it wasn't down to you at all.

Just keep telling yourself that the minute you found out you did everything to protect your child which isn't an easy thing to do in an abusive relationship.

Do you realise the important message you've given your child. When you found out YOU BELIEVED THEM and supported them and did absolutely everything to protect them.

You and your child are so amazingly strong, and I know you will get through this for your child's sake, your love for your child absolutely shines through.

Please do take care op , and keep talking if you need to, there's always someone around on MN to vent to if you need to

I am so very sorry for you and your child. Abusers are by nature, evil and manipulative. They have every single area of their life planned to avoid accountability. This man is a sociopath. I hope you and your child are receiving regular counselling from appropriate, specialist counselors.

You can't feel that what everybody is saying is true, because the abuse has got hold of you. Nothing wrong with you btw, you trusted the person you loved, you didn't expect him to be deeply manipulating you and abusing your child. You had entirely normal expectations of the person you loved. You're hurting because you're a normal person. You feel terrible guilt because you're a normal person. These thoughts and feelings that are normal are not, however, correct.

Often we blame ourselves about things that were outside our control because it helps us actually feel like have some control. It doesn't mean we actually did though and it most certainly doesn't mean we're to blame in any way.

You don't need to believe any of this. But maybe in the worst moments - of which I'm sure there are too many - try to remind yourself that feeling guilty when you're not is a normal reaction to such an awful thing happening in these circumstances.

Or remember the other side: if you didn't have these overwhelming feelings of guilt, you'd be like him. Neither his behaviour nor his reaction to what he was doing are normal.

Your reaction is normal. You are going to get through this, but it will be 10x harder (and it's already unbearable) if you hide this from those close to you. It's too big to deal with alone - even with a therapist once a week. You have no reason to be ashamed of what his deeply calculated actions were.

If you were my friend or daughter going through this I'd be heartbroken for you. I'd also want to be there for you. Please please seek support wherever you can find it. You deserve it all.

My dh held this in until his parents were dead.
It wasn’t one of them but one parent … they suspected. I know they did. I just know.
They’d been abused and had serious mh attention seeking conditions

Your child has opened up. Trusts you. Has a lifetime OF recovery and acceptance ahead but also has you

💐

I am so very sorry you both are going through this. It just breaks my heart how you must be suffering not just for yourself but for your child as well. Feeling overwhelmed is completely normal. You have had a terrible shock and your system is registering that. Please give yourself time. You have done everything you can with all the legal aspects and I'm sorry you don't have all the support you need mentally and emotionally at this time, hopefully this will change soon.

My experiences are no where near as serious as yours. I felt almost paralysed with overwhelming guilt, regret, remorse being the worst human for allowing an abusive person into my and my children's life. What helped me in those early darkest days was to focus on small, manageable chunks of the day and what I needed to do to take care of my kids and trying not to think about the whole enormity of it all which was too much to bear. I beat myself up everyday and then realised I needed to take care of myself as well so that I could take care of my kids. I decided to be as transparent as possibly with my kids (early teens at the time) who were able to understand and together we got through it. Please know that you have been so strong already and you will get to a better place together with your child. It takes time.

Do you realise the important message you've given your child. When you found out YOU BELIEVED THEM and supported them and did absolutely everything to protect them.

I fully agree with @ABCeasyasdohrayme there.
Hold on to that too.

You poor love, and your poor child - of course you are overwhelmed it is such a lot to have to cope with, for both of you.

Like Crumbs I have had something similar but much less traumatic to deal with, and I understand completely why you are struggling. The guilt in particular is dreadful, but like PPs say you will gradually come to realise that it's HIS guilt not yours, and as soon as you realised you believed your child and dealt with it...not everyone would be strong enough to do that, so you did really well.

As Crumbs suggests, get through each day, or each bit of the day at a time, and build in lots of treats for both of you; so you're having special looking-after-yourselves time together, we spent a lot of time cuddled up under a blanket watching our favourite films with our favourite snacks, and seeing my DC happy and laughing was just the best thing, it made me understand that although dreadful stuff had happened, not all of them was broken. It also allowed me to actively care for my child, which helped start to assuage some of the guilt - if I couldn't wipe out the past I could at least start afresh.

Any of the furniture that triggers you, unless the police need you to keep it (and I can't see why they would), get rid of it so you don't have to deal with it - there are plenty of charities that will come and pick it up from you, or even just get the council to collect it as large-item rubbish. I know this will mean replacing some things but those same charities will have replacement items for not much money if you don't have the budget to buy new. You'll feel much better when that stuff is out of the house and you never have to see it again.

Take very good care of yourself, get as much help as is on offer/you need, and come back to talk as much as you feel able to. We are here for you .