Dividing up of items

[Dreamer1989]

Hi,

If we agree what we both want from the house items - do we have to pay each other off? As in, say I took the bed and mattress, and the fridge freezer - do I “owe” him money? The FF is brand new, does this change things?

Thanks

It all depends on if you can agree things amicably between you really. My stbxh moved out and has stated in writing he doesn't want any of the furniture and it is all mine despite me offering to split with him. If you can't agree then maybe mediation will help.

whatever you both agree on --
my parents (had a lot of original art) drew up a list of items they each wanted, then took turns choosing for any items on both lists -- their mutual friend mediated.

My friend's stbxH insisted he should be paid thousands for the chattel, friend keeps turning it around & saying she'll empty the house & he can pay her for all that stuff... what he originally said was a housefull worth £6k is now down to a total of about £1.5k.

First major break up we put bits of paper in a box with items written on. Took turns picking one.
Very mature!!
In my defence I was 19!!
Was quite smug I got his favourite CD!!

We took approach of ensuring we were both set up independently for 2 households.
We both knew where we’d be living so split furniture based on what we could fit in plus personal preference. In terms of items we said if it was a present from one of our family members or personal friends you had first dibs, similarly if you’d bought it out of joint funds but based on your personal preferences.
However most cortical to this was to ensure we both had items for household along lines we had currently. So 2 kettles, 2 sets of cutlery, 2 cars, 2 computers etc etc. we list3d those, decided who got existing ones and who would get new item to replace . We costed all this out . A lot of stuff we bought out of balance of our joint account and it was ordered and arrived ready for when the first of us moved out. The stuff we didn’t buy up front was totalled up for each of us and the balance paid to the other( I paid ex a lump sum less than £2000). We did also include in that total cost th3 costs of divorce including indivisible solicitor costs, cost of moves , costs of selling and buying new homes. Everything. We just agreed to split it all. So it ended up pretty even given I only paid him a lump sum of that size.
That then made deciding who took what so much easier…we knew we’d end up with roughly same stuff to set up our new homes, it was more about who’d keep old stuff vs who’d have new. And then the rules about non essential items in terms of default ownership I explained above came into effect.
In the end there were few items that needed debate and actually that turned out reasonably easy because I’d decided what I really had to take vs stuff I’d like but concede to him to get my must haves.

Sorry typos 🙄 individual not indivisible..rest you can maybe work out …fat fingers this morning

I’d also add, I made keeping the divorce process amicable a priority . Even though I was divorcing on “unreasonable behaviour “ after 30 years of marriage. I had to work really hard not to let my anger and hurt come out…bite my tongue and take myself away from situations that were making me upset. I toLd myself I could vent and grieve when the process was over. I knew if It became argumentative it would descend into a long expensive drawn out bitter process. And that wouldn’t help me. I also did a lot of work on process, how finances should be divided and this plan to leave us with 2 similar household arrangements up front before I even said I wanted to divorce. I even agreed the wording on the unreasonable behaviour bit with him so as not to make it a character assassination that would then make him angry, uncooperative and defensive.
I’m still going through my healing now 7 months later. But the actual divorce process and separation bit was probably as good as it could be

Really helpful to read that @MayMorris as I’m trying to do the same thing; am also having to bite my tongue v hard as he’s been abusive and frankly deserves jack sh*t, but if it gets me through this phase as quickly and painlessly as possible it’ll be worth it. I’m also taking the view that it’s only stuff (with a few exceptions) and what’s important is that me and the DC come out the other end as unscathed as possible.