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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Divorcing- what next/first

19 replies

Threecrookedhearts · 17/02/2022 16:34

Sorry- this is a bit of a ramble. We split up 3 weeks ago after 23 yrs together, 2 kids and 20 yrs of marriage. Totally out of the blue to me although not to him as he obviously emotionally checked out a while ago and just waited to meet a woman with a home so he could get his feet under her table. I found his work phone with the 2 weeks of messages of the affair bit so now know a lot of the details. She even after a few days of knowing him was encouraging him to abandon me and the kids. She's got a 4 yr old.
I need to apply for the divorce before he does. I really want to divorce for adultery rather than unreasonable behaviour. Anyone done this and regretted it? I have her name and pictures of all their messages including discussing having sex. He has moved in with her (won't give me her address yet).

I was holding off starting proceedings as wanted to sort financials first but he's got threatening and nasty now. I wanted to keep it away from expensive solicitors as I have no savings but I don't see how this is possible. He's already threatening with giving me way less than 50% of kids costs. We only ever just made ends meet and now he's putting everything on his credit card and taking her and her kid out for days out and meals out. He said its nothing to do with me how he spends 'his money'. Even asked me to return this months salary (it's all been spent now). We only ever had a joint account but he's opened a new account so doubt his salary will go into account this month. I'm feeling vulnerable and screwed, heartbroken, depressed and angry children (12 and 15). I don't know where to start and can't seem to find a reasonably priced divorce lawyer.

OP posts:
Crumbs22 · 17/02/2022 19:01

I'm afraid solicitors all charge similar amounts and it will add up depending on how long and drawn out your divorce becomes. Under the circumstance I think you should contact the Citizens Advice Bureau just to get you started with all the different steps and things you need to do. You have evidence of his adultery so you should be able to use that as a reason. Hope you will get a lot more advice here.

oviraptor21 · 17/02/2022 19:04

Do you have any income of your own?
You may be eligible for benefits so I'd get working on that immediately.

Original poster
Threecrookedhearts · 18/02/2022 01:45

Yes I work f/t so no benefits. I earn a bit more than him, have a much better pension and the house has a lot of equity but still a hefty mortgage. He'd always said i could have all the equity (he's consistently been on dodgy sex sites for yrs so I should have left him years ago). He's changed his mind now he has a gf and has got nasty. If I am forced to sell I won't be able to find anything decent on what he wants to give me.

OP posts:
Unknown83 · 18/02/2022 11:35

@Threecrookedhearts

Sorry- this is a bit of a ramble. We split up 3 weeks ago after 23 yrs together, 2 kids and 20 yrs of marriage. Totally out of the blue to me although not to him as he obviously emotionally checked out a while ago and just waited to meet a woman with a home so he could get his feet under her table. I found his work phone with the 2 weeks of messages of the affair bit so now know a lot of the details. She even after a few days of knowing him was encouraging him to abandon me and the kids. She's got a 4 yr old. I need to apply for the divorce before he does. I really want to divorce for adultery rather than unreasonable behaviour. Anyone done this and regretted it? I have her name and pictures of all their messages including discussing having sex. He has moved in with her (won't give me her address yet).

I was holding off starting proceedings as wanted to sort financials first but he's got threatening and nasty now. I wanted to keep it away from expensive solicitors as I have no savings but I don't see how this is possible. He's already threatening with giving me way less than 50% of kids costs. We only ever just made ends meet and now he's putting everything on his credit card and taking her and her kid out for days out and meals out. He said its nothing to do with me how he spends 'his money'. Even asked me to return this months salary (it's all been spent now). We only ever had a joint account but he's opened a new account so doubt his salary will go into account this month. I'm feeling vulnerable and screwed, heartbroken, depressed and angry children (12 and 15). I don't know where to start and can't seem to find a reasonably priced divorce lawyer.

You need to do four things before you start negotiating the broader financial settlement:

  1. Work out the childcare arrangements. How much time will the kids spend with him and how much time with you?

  2. Once you've done 1, you'll be able to work out how much child maintenance you are entitled to and should demand he pays you this. Go through CMS if necessary;

  3. Claim universal credit and any other benefits you are entitled to;

  4. Get a job.

One you've done all four of those things you'll know what your needs are and what your earning capacity is relative to his and it will give you a much better idea of what the financial settlement should be, hopefully without involving solicitors.

tinyperson · 18/02/2022 11:53

Discuss childcare
Find work
Apply for UC etc

arethereanyleftatall · 18/02/2022 11:54

Why do you want to apply for divorce before he does? It doesn't make any difference to anything, and it's £500 that he can pay rather than you.

Unknown83 · 18/02/2022 11:55

@arethereanyleftatall

Why do you want to apply for divorce before he does? It doesn't make any difference to anything, and it's £500 that he can pay rather than you.
If he's decided to move out and pay her diddly squat, it might be because the status quo works for him and to get things settled she needs to act first.
forrestgreen · 18/02/2022 12:15

Apply for child maintenance now as it can't be backdated.

I'm divorcing my husband for aldutery. Tbh it doesn't really matter. They don't name names etc

Original poster
Threecrookedhearts · 18/02/2022 12:23

Yes I do work ft. Stbxh has moved in with his gf 90 mins away so kids will live with me full-time. I'm not entitled to benefits. He has seen our DS twice as he's taken him to the football but DD12 won't speak to him or see him. They're old enough to decide that themselves.

OP posts:
Original poster
Threecrookedhearts · 18/02/2022 12:27

Yes I think that's it. If he starts it he'll say it was unreasonable behaviour. I want to cite adultery. He's already threatening me with this and that and being nasty. I'm trying to stay calm and not antagonise him. I'm just so stressed and feel constantly sick and shaky. He's just swanning around blowing 'his' money of his new gf and her kid. I'm terrified for my and the kids future so need to get closure.

OP posts:
Original poster
Threecrookedhearts · 18/02/2022 12:30

@forrestgreen

Apply for child maintenance now as it can't be backdated.

I'm divorcing my husband for aldutery. Tbh it doesn't really matter. They don't name names etc

I haven't done this yet because cms calculate he only needs to give me £480. That won't cover anything and I need more than that. If I apply he'll probably be happy to pay £480 rather than the £700 which is more realistic.
OP posts:
LemonTT · 18/02/2022 13:27

He will only pay the CMS rate, apply now and get the money. Don’t waste time negotiating for more when he doesn’t have to give it.

Realistically why would be pay more than he has to?

RedHelenB · 18/02/2022 13:45

Given your kids ages and the fact you work ft and he earns less than you CM is all you'll get. And remember to make a deduction for OW child off CM too if he's living with her.
If you want to get on and divorce, get on with it. Don't worry about him or keeping him sweet, it won't make any difference .

Original poster
Threecrookedhearts · 18/02/2022 14:42

@LemonTT

He will only pay the CMS rate, apply now and get the money. Don’t waste time negotiating for more when he doesn’t have to give it.

Realistically why would be pay more than he has to?

Because they're his kids and he shouldn't want to see their standard of living drastically reduce.
OP posts:
OnceUponAThread · 18/02/2022 14:59

Sorry - I agree with everyone else on CMS. Apply now.

He's highly unlikely to agree to pay anything extra, legally he doesn't have to.

Even if you negotiate a higher level in the divorce settlement, after a year he can revert back to CMS.

It also doesn't stop you negotiating, but at least you'll get that money now.

In terms of the divorce settlement, I think you should see a lawyer asap.

You mentioned that you're a higher earner, have a better pension and better savings. And that you're still in the house.

I fear you're in for a bumpy ride. A lawyer will advise him that all those things should be split and 50/50 is the starting point for that.

Get good legal advice about what's reasonable. Get it now. Then you could consider mediation to try and keep costs low.

Unknown83 · 18/02/2022 15:14

@Threecrookedhearts

Yes I work f/t so no benefits. I earn a bit more than him, have a much better pension and the house has a lot of equity but still a hefty mortgage. He'd always said i could have all the equity (he's consistently been on dodgy sex sites for yrs so I should have left him years ago). He's changed his mind now he has a gf and has got nasty. If I am forced to sell I won't be able to find anything decent on what he wants to give me.
Whilst I sympathise with you, it wouldn't be in your interests to have divorce outcomes suggested to you that are unlikely or to imply that any sort of morality will come into a financial settlement (unless he was trying to kill you or something on that level of wrongness then morality really doesn't come in to it).

He's not "getting nasty." He's getting advice. From a court's perspective, you getting 100% of the equity would be an extremely unfair financial settlement and most people would think him a fool to agree to it. Whatever he's said in the past before he got advice is irrelevant now.

Realistically, some of these things are likely (although check with a solicitor too):

  1. Courts don't care about why you are divorcing. I wouldn't even bring up the text messages because you would be admitting to snooping on his phone which, could be construed as "coercively controlling" if things got really nasty. My STBXW cheated on me over and over again and will still walk away with 60% of the assets or maybe even more because she "needs them" (the courts also don't care if need has been created on the basis of their abject laziness rather than hard decisions made by the marriage).

  2. Child maintenance. It is what it is. When people divorce, two households have less money to go around. You can't carry on spending what you were before and will have to make cuts.

  3. Further to the point above, if you do succeed in getting more of the equity then his housing costs to meet his needs will presumably be higher than yours. So, just like you, he will have to manage on less than he had before. Don't fall into the trap of thinking things can stay the same for you and he can lose out because you were morally in the right, it does not work that way.

  4. You may get more of the equity in the house because you have the children most of the time. Or you may get a Mesher Order that splits things 50/50 when your youngest turns 18. Or you may just get 50/50. Or he might get more. Really depends on your circumstances, earning capacity, mortgage capacities etc etc.

  5. Now you are a single income household, you might be able to get benefits where you could not before. Check entitledto.co.uk.

millymolls · 18/02/2022 15:47

He’s highly unlikely to pay more than cms rate and as others say as you work full time earning more, he won’t have to pay anything else.

You ‘just’ have to negotiate the split of assets

talkingbubble · 18/02/2022 16:55

Sorry to read about this after a long marriage too Flowers
The stress on you must be immense, especially with him acting like a complete arsehole loser - they're his DC FFS.
Keep your dignity and divorce him by whatever means enables you to get what you want. I understand the desire to have 'adultery' as the reason, of course.

LemonTT · 18/02/2022 20:15

You need to find out if the girlfriends child also reduces the CMS. I think it does but you need to check.

I’d focus on keeping your pension and getting 50% equity. As others say even if you negotiated higher child support in the settlement he can overturn it after a year. It’s not worth conceding anything else for more child support.

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