Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Fair offer

29 replies

Bonkerz · 16/02/2022 15:17

So we are at the finances part of the divorce. Ex has decided to go against everything he ever promised the kids.

His first offer is to sell the house (3 valuations average £120k) no mortgage @ 50% each and give me one of his pensions (he has 2, one @£30k and one at £15k) so I get the £15k one.

So I do have a solicitor.
She reckons I could easily get 70% of the home. I'm a childminder (have been 15 years) because we have 2 autistic children who need a lot of care. I'm a registered cater for eldest too. He is 21 lives at home. Youngest is 10 and middle child is 16 (asd too).

I have no assets at all and income has been constant £12k including carers allowance for last 15 years so mortgage would be impossible.

Solicitor thinks a fair offer is 70/30 split of home in my favour. He signs house over so I can access a mortgage against it and a £20k payout to him with him keeping pension.

Does this sound fair?

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 16/02/2022 15:21

Why do you think the average mumsnetter will know better than a solicitor?

You could get a second opinion from another solicitor if you want.

If you want information/advice (not specific to your situation obviously) this guide is detailed and helpful www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/survival-guide-sorting-out-your-finances-when-you-get-divorced

FWIW in my opinion (not a solicitor) it seems fair that you would get more than 50% given that you're the main carer for disabled children and have limited earning potential as a result.

Original poster

Bonkerz · 16/02/2022 15:30

Apologies for even asking. I trust my solicitor it's just got really nasty with me and my ex and he's started telling everyone I'm taking the house he's worked hard to pay for. (He bought 3 years before we met BUT we remortgaged and I paid towards that and have been main carer etc ever since so it's not 'his' house)

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 16/02/2022 15:36

Sorry your ex has turned nasty. Try and ignore him, he's being a twat. Presumably they are his children too and he doesn't intend to give up his job to look after them!

marymay62 · 16/02/2022 15:38

Sorry it will get nasty. Go with your solicitors advice (get a quick second opinion if needed ) this is a purely financial deal and women have traditionally had a very tough time in divorces to get what they are fairly entitled to. Remember the word entitled . He isn’t giving you what he has worked for . You’ve worked for it too. Make him a charge sheet for the houses you’ve worked caring for ‘his’ children . Probably you should get 100%! I’m not sure really what you mean about him going against everything he promised .
You have to decide whether to go with what he wants ( a worse deal probably for you ) if it will preserve a formal relationship ( and it may not ) or go the legal route and let him spit out his dummy. I’d go the legal route and ignore him and his spewings as you need to think of your kids too. Good luck

marymay62 · 16/02/2022 15:38

Hours not houses !

Quartz2208 · 16/02/2022 15:39

If your solicitor considers it a fair and legal offer then it is

Original poster

Bonkerz · 16/02/2022 15:40

He can't even manage more than 20 hour access a month! He has open access so it's not that I'm stopping him.

His bull shit has me doubting myself but I know my kids deserve to stay in their home and that a move will affect the asd children massively.
I wouldn't even be able to buy with what he's offering and the lump sum would be eaten up in rent and living expenses as my tax credit would stop.

OP posts:

millymolls · 16/02/2022 15:41

I’d ignore him
It’s difficult for both sides and while it might be a ‘fair’ outcome as there are children involved and ones with SEN, it must also be falling to feel like you’re losing a house you’ve worked hard to pay for. So he’s sounding off

Trust your solicitor

Catapultaway · 16/02/2022 15:48

It's an offer, you can make it, no doubt he will have a lawyer too who will advise him on what's fair from his perspective and there will probably be a counter offer.

AnotherEmma · 16/02/2022 16:12

" I know my kids deserve to stay in their home and that a move will affect the asd children massively."

All the more reason to go the legal route and not give in to his tantrums. You're doing it for your children.

waterSpider · 16/02/2022 16:43

Well, his offer is less than 50% of all the assets so he's hardly starting off with a 'fair' offer.

marymay62 · 16/02/2022 17:23

Don’t let him gaslight you. Let the solicitor sort it out

Unknown83 · 16/02/2022 21:50

@Bonkerz

So we are at the finances part of the divorce. Ex has decided to go against everything he ever promised the kids.

His first offer is to sell the house (3 valuations average £120k) no mortgage @ 50% each and give me one of his pensions (he has 2, one @£30k and one at £15k) so I get the £15k one.

I have no assets at all and income has been constant £12k including carers allowance for last 15 years so mortgage would be impossible.

Solicitor thinks a fair offer is 70/30 split of home in my favour. He signs house over so I can access a mortgage against it and a £20k payout to him with him keeping pension.

Does this sound fair?

Depends on his age and his income. If he's young enough to "catch up" then sure it's a reasonable outcome.

If on the other hand he's near retirement and would have to rent for the rest of his life then it's a terribly unfair offer.

Also, worth bearing in mind your solicitor has a material interest in this ending up in court. You're fighting over 20% of the equity which is worth £24k and you'll almost certainly be told to jog on by a judge if you want the £15k pension as well so you're actually fighting over £9k.

If you go all the way through court it will cost you about £20k and you might lose (even if you "win" you'll be £11k down on his current offer). Final hearings can be variable in their outcomes depending on the judge.

If I was in his position, I would fight you in court because you'd have much more to lose than me.

Unknown83 · 16/02/2022 21:59

@marymay62

Sorry it will get nasty. Go with your solicitors advice (get a quick second opinion if needed ) this is a purely financial deal and women have traditionally had a very tough time in divorces to get what they are fairly entitled to. Remember the word entitled . He isn’t giving you what he has worked for . You’ve worked for it too. Make him a charge sheet for the houses you’ve worked caring for ‘his’ children . Probably you should get 100%! I’m not sure really what you mean about him going against everything he promised . You have to decide whether to go with what he wants ( a worse deal probably for you ) if it will preserve a formal relationship ( and it may not ) or go the legal route and let him spit out his dummy. I’d go the legal route and ignore him and his spewings as you need to think of your kids too. Good luck

Probably you should get 100%!

This is absolutely typical of the kind of drivel spouses who ignore the contribution of the higher earner in a marriage make. Whereas the higher earner can do housework and empathise, normally the lower earner is utterly clueless about what it means to have a challenging job and therefore ignores the contribution made whilst buying into the sycophantic but quite incorrect idea that raising children is equivalent to a demanding job. It really isn't and once the children are at school it is very much a part time job, which is why most people these days are expected to work.

This remark also ignores the need of BOTH parties. I come across this attitude quite a lot from people divorcing who steadfastly refuse to consider that the person they are divorcing also has needs. These same people normally get a rude awakening the day they step into a court.

Original poster

Bonkerz · 17/02/2022 05:26

He isn't a high earner (£30k).
He has 15years before retirement.
My solicitor doesn't charge by the hour or letter it was a flat fee for the divorce. I only pay extra if we have to sort kids situation but mine are all older so make their own decisions and I can't see him forcing them to see him.
The house is not costing him a penny. He doesn't pay full maintenance and selling it won't produce enough for either of us to purchase somewhere else so it will be selling to rent anyway for both of us.
The house isn't just my childrens home it's my 15 year career and job that enables me to take the 2 asd kids to appointments or collect them from school when their Tourette's is bad or to look after my eldest (he recently had a life changing accident and is still unable to work due to his injuries all related to his disibility.

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 17/02/2022 08:36

Why isn't he paying full child maintenance? Contact the CMS.

Fuuuuuckit · 17/02/2022 08:38

Re the pension - are those the CETV valuations? There could be a big difference. You need proper valuations and good advice.

FlossMoss · 17/02/2022 08:50

The house may not be costing him a penny but he's not living in it and he needs to live somewhere which is why he wants to sell it. So you can both have somewhere to live.

I think that what your solicitor is saying does sound fair with regards to the house and it's certainly worth a shot as you want to stay in the house. If you are looking after your oldest in the long term then you can't earn as much as your ex will be able to and that should be taken into consideration. On the otter hand he could say he can't house the dc so can't look after them at all.

It's really important that you get it right and I agree with @AnotherEmma that you should get another solicitor's opinion of you are feeling unsure.

Original poster

Bonkerz · 17/02/2022 09:10

Yes the pensions have been valued.
The maintenance thing has been going on years. He didn't pay anything for 2 and a half years because he said he couldn't afford to (still paying £120 mortgage at that point so I believed him even though he lived with his sister in her granny flat)
Then he agreed to an amount that's half what he should and I agreed because he said he was so poor. He now lives with his mum (has never found a private rent etc) and travels 200miles a week to see his girlfriend so still says he can't afford it.

I'm a mug aren't I?

OP posts:

Rainbowqueeen · 17/02/2022 09:17

It sounds fair to me

His offer to you wasn’t even 50-50. That’s why he’s struggling with your solicitors suggestion. He sees you as less than and is completely out for himself.

Stand firm.

LemonTT · 17/02/2022 09:27

It doesn’t have to be an unfair offer for it to be rejected. He will act in his own interests even if it is selfish. He may decide he wants the 30% equity and not the 2 pensions. That would be a fair offer too. It depends what he wants and how far he can go or afford to go in getting it.

He earns £30k and will work for 15 years. He could get a mortgage of c£60-90k depending on debt and his CMS. But he will need a big a fairly good deposit. Buying a home is within his grasp.

I would check what the flat fee covers. It won’t be unlimited.

millymolls · 17/02/2022 09:46

He’s not a high earner
He surely wants to have a deposit for a house or to be able to afford rent- he wont be expected to live with his mum forever so you can have the house
He needs to be able to house himself too. Will he have the kids at all?

Re the 70:30. You refer to paying him 20k but 30% share of 120 is 36k?

What the courts will look to is housing the children so it’s possible they’d rule in your favour

I agree you should check exactly what is included in the solicitors fixed fee!

Original poster

Bonkerz · 17/02/2022 10:33

Honestly I just want the children to stay in the only home they have ever known.
Even SD comes home regularly despite me and her dad not being together for last 4 years nearly. She has spent every Christmas here and summer breaks.
To move means to lose my job too. The kids will have to move schools as there is nothing in our village that would house us all unless I use lounge as my room so kids could have the bedrooms. It's not fair the kids standard of living should have to drop that much with everything else they have to cope with.
I'd happily leave this house. I hate being here but it's just not the best thing for the kids at all.

I'm going to talk to the bank and see if house is transferred to me how much I could borrow against it on my income. Then I can see if I can offer him more I guess.

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 17/02/2022 11:43

@Bonkerz

Yes the pensions have been valued. The maintenance thing has been going on years. He didn't pay anything for 2 and a half years because he said he couldn't afford to (still paying £120 mortgage at that point so I believed him even though he lived with his sister in her granny flat) Then he agreed to an amount that's half what he should and I agreed because he said he was so poor. He now lives with his mum (has never found a private rent etc) and travels 200miles a week to see his girlfriend so still says he can't afford it.

I'm a mug aren't I?

Sorry but you are a bit. CMS ASAP!

clpsmum · 17/02/2022 12:11

@Unknown83 I can guarantee that raising two children with ASD iOS more challenging than any job he is doing

Flip

1 2