How to cope sharing time with DS

[Peach2021]

I instigated a separation following DH's abusive behaviour (over years) but need to make sure DS spends as much time with him as he wants (DH currently playing world's best father, so abuse not a current concern)...but I miss DS so much when he's not here, it makes me feel worse than the rest of the separation put together.

Those of you in a similar situation, how do you cope with it, and does it get easier, as at the moment it's heartbreaking.

Just bumping this for you ❤️

How old is he? My girls are now 11&13 and I now love my days completely off so much, that'd I probably divorce again even if my ex wasn't a cock.

It does get easier as you get used to it.

Disney fading can be abusive in its own way, partly so if it makes it difficult for you to enforce boundaries when they return.

Absolutely the worst thing about divorce.
I really struggled when children were younger and they were away from me partly because if anything was wrong I didn't feel like they would know or be confident enough to say anything to anyone.
A few years on and I know that when there are issues they come back and ask my advice on how to handle them and I worry about them less, so it is easier, but I do miss them and whilst I don't want them not to see their dad I hate that they don't sleep here every night, it doesn't feel right.

Enjoy it, I know easier said than done but my kids dad refuses to see them so I’ve never had a break, would give anything for a regular break to myself...Use the time to catch up on things or to look after yourself you should have a life for yourself as well, you’re not just a mum. I think in time you will appreciate the break.

When I was first in this situation my weekend was planned down to the last hour. Day was split in 3. Morning afternoon and evening. And I made plans for each part. I volunteered and joined a community allotment. Meet new people and made plans with family and friends. In time it got easier to be home alone. You do get use to it.

Meal planning and prepping, so I had 10 days meals in freezer and fridge
Cleaning the house over two days, downstairs only on first day, & laundry then upstairs on second day & putting away laundry

Always cleaned to music and irony to box set
Cooking done over two days & using slow cooker and oven

This means 10 easy days of much less house tasks & lots of family time, no cooking as all ready to pop in oven and reheat, along with side orders!

Meetups for adult socialising in evenings

Thanks everyone, really helpful - DS is nearly 6 - he loves seeing his dad (which grates in itself) so I’ve just got to deal with it. @RedCandyApple that’s hard I feel for you, we had that for a couple of months initially and I was exhausted. I have forgotten how to be me and not just “mum” so I have some work to do!

Oh OP I hear you.
Me and XH had been separated since early 2020 and lived together until late last year as parents/friends as it was financially viable at the time. We both shift work and we're relatively amicable- seeing other people (not at the house to add) our "set up" was organising our shifts so that one of us was always at home for DD
Anyway we separated our finances and sold our house mid last year. We have 50/50 custody.
Although I loved my new found freedom and space. Sharing time with DD was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do although nothing had really changed- I still had her with me on my days off. But coming home to an empty house when I'd normally check on her sleeping post shift was heartbreaking. Wondering what she'd be doing at certain times when I wasn't with her, the same.

It DOES get easier I promise you. I still get really upset when I'm due a longer period at work and therefore she'd be with her father and it's close to her being picked up. But it's only because I wish I could be with her always.
Do you and your ex have an amicable relationship? Would you be happy for them to FaceTime and therefore you call them? Me and ex FaceTime DD once a day when we're not with her (as we often did when we lived under the same roof)

All the best for the future OP

Thanks @runsmidgeOMG same here the nighttimes are the most difficult, and waking up realising he’s not here…

We are behaving amicably although I feel anything but (years of abuse) and I’ve been nervous of butting in when DS is with his dad, but you’re right I need to use FaceTime more.

@Peach2021

Thanks *@runsmidgeOMG* same here the nighttimes are the most difficult, and waking up realising he’s not here…

We are behaving amicably although I feel anything but (years of abuse) and I’ve been nervous of butting in when DS is with his dad, but you’re right I need to use FaceTime more.

I'm so unbelievably sorry for the abuse you've suffered. Make sure YOU are getting the right support for that.

Maybe whilst you are at the most amicable ask about the possibility of a FT schedule? Suggest that it would not only work in your favour but his too. Once a day at an appropriate time based on what you have planned/school/ nursery. It's a two way street. You are just at the beginning of this process and you'll eventually find your rhythm and what works for you as Co-parents.
Also as a side note. Make sure you agree early on boundaries in regards to new partners around your child. 👌🏻

Hi. I found it really really hard at first. Moped or worked the first few weekends alone. All my friends seemed to be in happy families and busy at weekends. So sending sympathy. Think about the contact schedule you want and that works for DS. It’s great your son likes his father but given Ex was abusive don’t be afraid to put your needs above your Ex’s. Things that helped with time apart were: keeping busy, doing things that meant when DC were with me I could totally focus on them (so got all laundry, shopping, meal prep etc done when with Ex), forcing myself to leave the house. To start with I made myself do all the things you can’t with young DC eg cinema. I got to a place where I no longer had to endure it and settled into it. Now I have a partner of 3 years and we have aligned our kids schedules so have time altogether and time as a couple. It will get better I promise.

Alot of men lose interest anyway so I wouldn't worry