Schools advice

[Nobushige]

This is my first post, I didn't know where to turn as I find that most people in my life have their own agenda so getting impartial advice close to home is close to impossible in spite of peoples' good intentions. I hope maybe somebody can give me some insight from their own experience or friendly advice!

For background, my ex and I divorced at the end of 2018. We have two sons aged 7 and 12. Our third son was stillborn in 2017 which deeply affected all of us including our eldest.

Both of our boys have been through a lot in the past 5 years, the loss of their little brother, the separation of the parents, of course the pandemic and most recently house moves.

After a couple of years living with my parents (which I won't go into!) I now rent a smaller house than we had been living in as a family (just two bedrooms so the boys have to share for now), close to where we had lived as a family and in the same village as my parents. The boys have recently been staying with me 50% of the time because their mum has sold the FMH and moved in with her boyfriend who lives about 30-40 minutes away and neither she nor the boys enjoyed the commute to school every day so I was happy to help whilst she looked for a new home. It's not been easy as I'm a self-employed tradesman so I've lost quite a bit of time in order to do school drop-offs and collections but my customers have been understanding and we've muddled through the past few months without too many hiccups.

It now transpires that my ex has put an offer on a house close to where her boyfriend lives and wants the boys to move school so they're closer to her.

I know that the boys are dead against moving school and I'm inclined to agree with them; I think they've both been through too much change already without being yanked out of school mid-term. My eldest has just started secondary school this year and has settled in well and is making friends and the youngest struggles at school particularly with his reading and I worry that disrupting his school year will only set him back further.

I'm not being a martyr, I just want the best for my boys, do I propose that in order for them to remain at their school I have majority custody of them? (this would involve my ex paying child maintenance which I don't think she'd want to do but she is a high-earner so could afford it). Put my foot down and insist that the present 50/50 custody has to remain and their mum has to suck up the commute (her office is in the same town after all so it's not like she'll never have to come over this way) or don't fight it and let their mum change their school?

Thanks for listening to a befuddled dad :-)

What is in the best interests of your kids?

Is it to continue to see you both 50/50?

I presume you have asked your 12 year old for his view?

Anyway you need to work that out and fight for it. Try to agree amongst yourself first, if you can't go to mediation and if you can't go to Court.

On the face of all the information, I would not want to move schools either. Did your ex discuss with your sons her interest in a house and that it would mean moving schools to be closer to her? Even if she didn't want to discuss with you. They are old enough to have their own opinions and preferences. Ideally they would remain in the same school until 18 so 6 years from now for your eldest which is not very long in the scheme of things but obviously important to give them some stability after the previous 5 years.

Could you cope with having them the majority of the time? If you can and your sons would prefer that then I would push for that as a first option followed by keeping your current 50/50 arrangement.

Thanks for your replies. My view is that the best thing for the boys is to remain in their current schools and have a modicum stability and familiarity of surroundings and whatnot in that regard rather than be moved to an area they don't know away from their existing friends etc. Whether that translates into them living with me the majority of the time (which I would struggle with but I'd make sure that it worked) or the 50/50 setup we have now continuing I don't know. My ex hasn't discussed it with either of the boys; in her opinion it's not their call but I would argue that it absolutely is their call and should be given a voice. I shall be having them from tomorrow and it's my intention to discuss it with them and let them have their say. I know kids can't always expect to call the shots but I do think that they've both been through enough upheaval and this time it really is about their best interests (happiness) rather than anybody else's convenience as let's face it, her decision to move away from the area means that somebody (her, me, or our children) are going to be inconvenienced in some way or other.

I think she’s being completely selfish tbh. The priority should be keeping their lives stable and settled in school and with both parents near.
I’d be making a stand tbh
She’s putting her relationship with boyfriend above them

The 12 year old is old enough to voice an opinion about his living arrangements and be listened to. The 7 year old isn't.

Depending on the 12 year olds size and capabilities he could also try to enforce what he wants especially if he's an independent sort.

Btw this does mean in theory your children could be split between you.