Feeling sad my kids are part of a broken family...

NewChapter22 · 2022-02-14T15:54:08+00:00

Just this really. Recently divorced and don't regret the divorce/don't miss my ex-husband one bit. He was abusive and distant! And in fact hardly lived with us over the last 5 years so the kids are okay and used to be with me. It's definitely the right thing for us as my ex wasn't a good husband or dad. I suppose what I am finding hurtful is the fact that I picked a bad dad for my kids? Not sure if that makes sense but I have 3 boys and as a single mum I just feel sorry for them as they don't have a good male role model... Anyone felt like this after divorce? Is it all part of the grieve process? Any advice?

cleanbreak2022 · 14/02/2022 15:59

I feel exactly like this.

My partner left us two weeks before Christmas. I haven't been in love with him for a long time, but I did love our family and would do anything to change the outcome for my children.

I have a 7 yr old and a 1 yr old and my heart breaks equally for the family they have lost and the one they might never have.

For those reasons I'd like to give things another go, but he is adamant it is over.

pointythings · 14/02/2022 16:03

Your DC will meet other good male role models in their lives. What you've done is show them that nobody has to tolerate a bad relationship or abuse, and that is a lesson that is incredibly valuable. You're giving them the skills to manage their own future relationships better by not tolerating bad ones.

And you haven't picked a bad man, OP. People hide themselves and then show their true colours, or people change. I married a good man, and then life happened and he became an abusive alcoholic. That wasn't me picking a bad man, it was 'shit happens'.

Women are conditioned to blame themselves for relationship breakdown. Remember that every time you start beating yourself up.

hellfire29 · 14/02/2022 16:08

Your not alone in that thought process. I am divorced too and hate that my children are seen as coming from a broken home. However… on those days I remember.. no one sets out to be on that path.

I feel sorry for my daughter (My son is from a previous relationship) as her Dad is worse than useless but that isn’t on me and your ex’s behaviour towards your children it isn't on you either.

People change and one thing you need to remember is that no matter how much you want to you cannot control the behaviour of others.

Big hugs, it’s tough being Mum and Dad but in years to come your children with thank you for it xx

Moonface123 · 14/02/2022 16:33

You really have to be careful of victim mode mentality. Kids will still thrive being raised by one good parent. My two sons don't have any male role models, their Dad died .l am enough. This has got to be your mentality.
l encouraged mine to listen to the likes of Les Brown, Tony Robbins, Jim Rohn, Alan Watts, T D Jakes, on youtube, these men are excellent speakers and very interesting to listen to, you can learn alot .
l have been a lone parent now for almost nine years, no support. There has been bumps in the road, but they are older teens now and we have a calm and peaceful homelife and a close relationship. Its easier once you don' t care what others think, just focus on you and your children, do what feels best for you. l am really proud of my sons and they are equally proud of me.

RedCandyApple · 14/02/2022 16:37

Yes I feel the same easy for people to say they will find other male role models but mine won’t; no uncles/ grandad etc, my kids regularly ask why they don’t have a dad and ask me why he doesn’t bother with them

MintJulia · 14/02/2022 16:45

I'm angry with myself for lumbering ds with such a df. But he was careful to hide his true nature until ds was born.

As soon as I realised, I made my plans and escaped, got ds out of there. Now ds has a happy, carefree life, we are both fine but I'm still kicking myself.

TeeBee · 14/02/2022 16:45

Why are you feeling guilty for picking a bad dad...rather than him feeling guilty for being one?

Strongerthanyouthink · 14/02/2022 16:46

I completely understand. In one sense I feel stronger, more empowered and glad I finally had the gumption to leave my marriage. But my heart breaks for my children. I feel guilty they don't have a great father, however much he loves them, he isn't a good role model. And my heart breaks for me too. That I spent 20 years with someone who really wasn't very nice and sometimes I think, where's my good guy?!

Original poster

NewChapter22 · 14/02/2022 17:00

Thanks all for the replies. I suppose my fear is whether I can do this alone, whether I can raise 3 boys (2 on the autism spectrum) alone. I have friends nearby but no close family that I can rely on. Last week has been particularly challenging: eldest scared his dad won't like him because his test results weren't good enough (he had a go at him previously and clearly he is trying very hard to please someone who is essentially impossible to please!), Second one is in need of counseling as he is bored/hates school (trying to understand what the exact issue is but as far as I can tell there is no bullying etc involved) and the third is falling behind academically....

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cookiemonster2468 · 14/02/2022 17:02

I think "broken home" is such a horrible phrase.

Surely it would be more "broken" if you had stayed together and he continued to be abusive.

In many ways you are fixing their home.

ambushedbywine · 14/02/2022 17:05

But at least they don’t have an ever present bad one who mum seems to accept! Well done for finished it.

Do you have a brother, dad, cousin who might be willing to hang out with the kids with the intention of building those positive male role models?

cookiemonster2468 · 14/02/2022 17:07

I also agree with the above poster saying you really need to try not to give in to a victim mentality. Labelling yourself/ your family as "broken" is really victimising and almost shaming yourself. It's not your fault, it's just life.

You are not broken, you are just going through life like anyone else and this is a difficult experience you are having. Nothing is ever perfect. You'll make the best of it and realise how strong you are.

Have you had any counselling? It sounds like you are having a lot of negative thoughts at the moment and I hope you can find the strength to turn that around.

ihatesonic · 14/02/2022 17:12

@NewChapter22

Thanks all for the replies. I suppose my fear is whether I can do this alone, whether I can raise 3 boys (2 on the autism spectrum) alone. I have friends nearby but no close family that I can rely on. Last week has been particularly challenging: eldest scared his dad won't like him because his test results weren't good enough (he had a go at him previously and clearly he is trying very hard to please someone who is essentially impossible to please!), Second one is in need of counseling as he is bored/hates school (trying to understand what the exact issue is but as far as I can tell there is no bullying etc involved) and the third is falling behind academically....

You can and you will do this.

I am much further down the road but raised 3 children, one on the spectrum, no family and after my divorce, no friends.

Create your own support village. It isn't easy and there are so many long hard times but it can be done. It took me years but it happened and now my kids are grown and all but the one with ASD have flown the nest. Two working, one in uni.

My youngest just saw her father after a 10 year estrangement. They come through it and so will you.

Take heart and take care of yourself first. You can't care for others when you don't take care of yourself, I learnt that the hard way!

Original poster

NewChapter22 · 14/02/2022 17:15

Thank you @Moonface123 for the suggested speaker list. I think this will be very useful especially for my eldest atm!

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Original poster

NewChapter22 · 14/02/2022 17:17

@ihatesonic, thanks for sending through some positive vibes. I have been pretty much single handedly so far, so I did it...and I am sure I can manage but it is very tough at times!

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GeneLovesJezebel · 14/02/2022 17:20

My DP’s divorced when I was about 6. I had a happy childhood because I didn’t know any different, and I didn’t feel any different to other kids in school.

ambushedbywine · 14/02/2022 17:21

PS most mums with children with autism are lonely, married or not. It’s a hard road as we fight for the best for them. Try and find a local group and meet a mum for coffee. The first 3/4 might not click but I really think having local friends who ‘get it’ will help.

I’m setting this challenge for myself too!

unicornsarereal72 · 14/02/2022 17:50

I can only echo what others have said. Please focus on the positives. The children are not in a abusive environment. They now have a safe calm home. They will see that bad behaviour shouldn't be tolerated. That you will be strong independent person and they will value you as a role model. They will see role models in life. At school in hobbies and other family members.

You have empowered them to be good people learning for your example.

None of us wanted our families to separate. That is rarely the plan. But family is family. However that looks.

I had a really happy childhood growing up with my mother. My father dipped in and out as he wished. My children are both so much happier than having to live on egg shells with their father. When he is around them they with drawn and become emotional because they don't know what mood he is going to be in.

Home is a safe and happy place and we have a lot of fun together. I wouldn't have it any other way now.

You have to grieve for what you thought family was and embrace the new way of life.

B0J0ker · 14/02/2022 19:04

Oh I hear you OP! Feel dreadfully guilty that my own boys are from
a 'broken home' and sad that the future I'd imagined for them is going to be so different.

I'm also still grieving the future I thought I'd have so it is really tough.

Mine are young adults now and really well-adjusted, lovely, thoughtful young men so that's nice.

It does get easier I promise. Was hard seeing their dad move on, re-marry and have other children (I've stayed mostly single through choice). But it all gets easier

Northernsoullover · 14/02/2022 19:11

I doubt whether I'm going to be popular for saying this but quite frankly you saying broken home is quite insulting for those of us who through no choice have been a lone parent for most of their parenting life.
Its incredibly common now. Luckily we don't have to stay shackled to toxic or cheating arseholes. It's even ok to leave a relationship where no one is awful but you make each other unhappy.
Where it is safe to do so, foster a positive relationship with their other parent and quite frankly.. get a grip.
I'm incredibly lucky to have children that are now young adults and incredible human beings. I did that. Their father showed up from time to time and still does. They have a good relationship with him. Never once have I felt guilty and its nothing to be sad about.

Original poster

NewChapter22 · 14/02/2022 22:06

As I said in my initial post, I have absolutely no regrets about the whole divorce. It's 100% the best thing for me and the kids. Having an abusive parent doesn't make for a good family life. I think what set me off is the fact that my own dad passed away a couple of weeks ago...while trying to find my feet.
I have been in therapy for a while and still continuing with it. I suppose, part of the issue is the damage you're left with when you escape an abusive relationship. My ex was super critical of everything I ever did or said so naturally I am having a wobble, especially now that I am grieving a loss as well, wondering if I can do this alone! I know I absolutely can, I have few very good friends but sadly all my family overseas. It's hard but me and the kids are going to be fine 🙂
Please continue to send some positive vibes! Xx

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