Angry 12 yr old

[Threecrookedhearts]

stbxh of 20 yrs left nearly 2 weeks ago and moved in with a girlfriend and her 4 yr old I didn't even know he had. It's been a massive shock. He's left me and our 12 and 14 yr old heartbroken. He's living 90 mins away now and has only returned once as he has a season ticket at a local football club so came back for that really. He was also in our home town yesterday and made no attempt to see our DS14 who I had to leave home alone as I had something pre planned with DD which he knew about. Anyway DD12 has not spoken to him or replied to a text since he left. She's understandably angry. She's a very clued up and mature girl and thought the world of her dad. I can't force her to call him or pick up when he calls. He only calls at a crap time for her anyway like when she's at an after school activity or walking home from school. He calls from the car on his way home from work - never in the evening when he's with OW and her child. The longer this goes on the damage to their relationship will get worse but given he's not nearby and the way he's treated us I honestly don't blame her. But I know I'll be judged. I stopped her from blocking him on her phone so I am trying to do the right thing but equally I've seen how angry she gets when she received a text from him. It's just 'how was school today, I love you'. I don't really know what to do as I feel it's up to him to make the effort with her. I'm 100% here for them both all the time. He's not asked to see them over half term either (he could take them to see his mom and have them for a few nights) but he's instead planning a long weekend away to another country with ow and her DS. It makes me so mad! I was just wondering of other people's experiences of this kind of situation and if their DC ever felt the same way about their DF again after this kind of treatment. I don't recognise him at all now and just can't believe he could leave them like this so hurt

So sorry to hear this crooked, he is behaving incredibly badly. The only thing I can advise is to carry on being you. Don't slag him off to them (I'm sure you wouldn't) but don't try to minimise it. It is awful and they have every right to be angry. Allow them to talk. See if you can access counselling at school if it's available. Sending love ❤️

Be there for your DD. Support her and validate her feelings without slating your ex. Above all don't try to force contact - it is 100% up to her and he is the one who needs to grovel make amends. Your DC are absolutely allowed to be furious with their father and yes, he probably has done major and likely permanent damage to their relationship. But that is his circus, not yours. Your focus needs to be on yourself, your DC and your future as a family unit of three.

Agree with the above re your dd.

With regard to taking the girlfriend abroad how is he funding this? You need to get a solicitor asap and start to look at finance before he spends all the assets of the marriage.

I was your dd and I was very angry at my dad for a long time. Support her as best you can. To be honest what he has done is wrong and I had no problem with my mum telling me that. I for one don't see anything wrong in telling your dd you're sorry that he is not making more of an effort. Dont sugar-coated his failings.

It's one thing to point out his behaviour falls below what you would expect of a caring father and another if you were endlessly and relentlessly criticising him which is unhelpful. Your children can see for themselves. Trying to brush it under the carpet helps no one. My mum told me that she hoped one day my dad would step up and apologise for his behaviour and he did ten years later, but by then my childhood had gone.