Preparing to separate or divorce - action plan?

[pressurelikeadrip]

Longtime MNer here but have name changed.

I think I'm finally at the point where I need to separate/divorce from my DH. I'm a bit of a planner though and need to have all my ducks in a row before I go pushing the big button.

Situation: We both work full time, he earns £45k and I earn £78k. We have 2 DC, both in primary school. No family here. Married 11 years. Both on mortgage of our house. 1 car owned outright the other on finance at £350/mth. I've always been the breadwinner, he has struggled in his career, but recently got a new role which took him to his current level of earnings.

The why: We are like 2 adults looking after children in the same house. No love there at all. In fact the opposite - lots of snappy comments, lots of shouting, lots of arguing. No physical intimacy at all, not even holding hands or hugging. A lot of 'well you've had 2hrs at the gym so now I want 2hrs away from the house' type conversations. We have no family nearby, so very limited chances to go out as a couple, which probably hasn't helped. He stays up all night on his xbox and rolls out of bed showers and goes to work. It's me that gets up in the night for the DC, me that gets them fed and dressed, all household admin, school admin, etc is on me. Putting the bins out, gardening, car repairs, etc all me. Organising school holiday childcare, play dates, clubs, all me. He does do his fair share of the driving kids around, drop offs pick ups etc. Watches them to allow me to see my friends in evenings (he doesn't go out). Occassionally cooks but only if it's a pizza in an oven or similar.

His temper is awful. Never physically violent anymore (but has been in the past pre-DC). He will overreact to the smallest things. Eg last night 'please dont turn the tv over I'm watching that' has led to him stonewalling me since 7pm and refusing to engage with me at all. Once he did an emergency stop on the motorway after a day out and forced me out of the car and pretended to drive away, with the DC in the back. I had to run after him and beg to get back in. All because I'd dared to suggest he was in the wrong lane.

I need to end it. I want a better life for my DC. They deserve to see that this is not how a relationship should work. But I need to be prepared.

So what do I need to do? I have read on here before about getting paperwork and money in order but in reality what does this mean?

I am also panicking about where everyone will live. I did get some legal advice a while back and the solicitor at the time said he would petition that I'm the primary carer and so kids should live with me in family home until youngest is 18. Is that still likely? If so does he just disappear and buy or rent something then when DC are 18 I sell up and give him a share? If so does he still pay towards the mortgage?

My head is a mess.

Mesher is where his % share is deferred until a point in time based on a trigger eg remarriage, child turns 18 etc
So if he is awarded say 50% you don’t have to give that until the trigger is reached
Courts generally don’t favour these unless absolutely no other option to keep a child housed

It also means in say10-15 years ( when trigger is reached) etc you will need to find 50% ( or whatever a% is awarded) of the then current equity and often it leaves people in a precarious position of either needing large remortgage later in life which they can’t always get or having to sell and struggle to rehouse then

He is likely to also need some money for a deposit now

What do you anticipate he does for housing now ?

JohnSnow, maybe a divorce for ´unreasonable behavior’ would be a good fit in your case. As I understand it, you get to least the shit he’s done but it’s not really got anything to do with the divorce being granted or how any assets and child care is organized.

@Nat6999

Get all your financial information, copies of his pay slips, bank & pension statements etc, your & dc birth certificates & passports, open a bank account in your sole name & move your salary over to it, remove anything with sentimental value to someone you trust. Ask him to leave or to sort some accommodation & leave, any problems with him and kicking off ring the police who will remove him.

This is terrible advice. They are basically telling you to aggravate someone in the hope that you get an excuse to make them leave the FMH.

My recommendation to the OP is to act with integrity, respect the law (including her STBXH's right to remain in the FMH until the divorce is finalised) and deal with things like a grown up.

"@Unknown83 : My recommendation to the OP is to act with integrity, respect the law (including her STBXH's right to remain in the FMH until the divorce is finalised) and deal with things like a grown up."

I think this is spot on. Even with the possibility of counselling I would have a chat with a solicitor. You will come out of this OK. Get your freedom sorted: this is no life for you or your kids.