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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

I can’t be nasty 🤷‍♀️

12 replies

Evans18 · 07/02/2022 22:20

I have been separated from my husband for 17months .
I basically ran out one day after a horrible argument that became physical and left ! I’d been mentally drained by my husband and he was having band affair to we have 3 kids under 6 plus cows and horses and my husband has his own big buisness and I worked to .

Anyway I’m at the point of in April with the new no fault divorce ready to start the process.
I have people telling me what to do or how to approach the situation all the time.
We own our house together jointly.

We have our 3 kids

I just can’t bring myself to damaged any of his life he built his business and worked hard to get his fame animals .
I have been abandoned in the process of this and left really hurt but I don’t want to act on my emotions, I want to be logical . My husband is still the father of our children and he has equal rights to them as do i.

I’m just wondering if anyone understands my points and I have no one who understands.

I lost my first partner age 22 he died suddenly and we were together for 4 years . I got paid out for my house and had a larger sim of Money some of which went into mine and my husbands house .

I feel after already going through a trauma so young it taught me that money is factual nothing more we need it but it for me has no other purpose.
Yes I’d like to own my own home but currently I couldn’t feel more free and happier on my own I’m in a rented house but it’s not the end of the world and i know once my kids are bigger I could work toward getting a new house deposit for the future l.

Sorry to waffle on !
Please add your thoughts x

OP posts:

CyclingMumKent · 07/02/2022 22:34

Beautiful post. Thank you.

millymolls · 08/02/2022 07:30

There’s no need for anger and vitriol. He may have been shit to you but he is still your childrens father. Being able to live your life without anger and bitterness and resentment will provide a much better childhood for them and honestly you’ll be better in the long run too

However, tiu should make sure you take what’s rightfully yours and think about how you provide fir your children. That dues t mean fleecing him or taking him for everything etc but reach a fair and balanced settlement

fenellastripe · 08/02/2022 10:06

@Evans18 You do what you feel is right. Those people telling you what you should do are simply looking out for you but it has to be your decision. As long as you can protect your assets and you don't think he will try and cheat you somehow, continue to rent if it makes you happy.

villamariavintrapp · 08/02/2022 10:30

It's not being nasty to ensure that you get your fair share though. And fair share doesn't always mean half, it means fair compensation for what you've put in and lost or gained. And given that he cheated and has been violent towards you, I think I'd feel it was very unfair if he got the better deal!

Bonheurdupasse · 08/02/2022 11:18

I agree with you.
When I divorced I had the solicitor falling over herself to try to get me to ask for my exhusband's money. (Rather than just get back what I put in.)
She even quoted the bloody constitution at me! (I quoted Marx as a retort ).

In the end I followed my own principles and didn't take her up on that. She made me sign a pile of "caveats" (that I was going ahead and not taking her advice).

scooterbear · 08/02/2022 11:30

I agree to a point. But I went so far down this route of wanting to be seen to be fair and trying to remain amicable that I actually ended up with far less than I needed. The imbalance is huge and it's problematic as the kids get older. So be fair and nice but don't mug yourself is my advice.

Nemorth · 09/02/2022 19:50

My Dad was nice to my Step Mum when they divorced.

They are both retired now. Her several years early on an amazing civil service pension, a wholly paid for house, holidays, clothes, can still fund her drinking habit.

My Dad has almost nothing. No pension. Worked past his retirement age for as long as he could. Lives in a mortgaged house. He'll never pay it off. He's finally managed to clear the debt she drank him into though.

No need to be nasty about it, but please think about the future for you and your children.

Itsybitsydooda · 09/02/2022 21:31

You need to be fair and firm. Dont let him take your willingness to not be basty as a reason to take what he wants and not consider you and your worth.
My stbxh seems to think that he can just walk away and not deal with me at all. He's in for a shock.

EarringsandLipstick · 09/02/2022 22:14

Yes I’d like to own my own home but currently I couldn’t feel more free and happier on my own I’m in a rented house but it’s not the end of the world and i know once my kids are bigger I could work toward getting a new house deposit for the future l.

A million alarm bells are ringing at this.

You say you want to be logical. So start!

These things don't happen magically. Your capacity to 'work towards' a house deposit 'in the future' is very limited.

You need to take advice on what you are legally entitled to, and push hard for the best settlement you can, for you and your kids.

Much happiness & contentment if brought about by security.

You possibly are so glad to be free of the shit that you are using that relief as evidence that you're ok, and don't want to go in hard.

He's a vile man, from your description. He sure as hell won't be thinking about you.

Take advice. Fight for you.

Newestname002 · 14/02/2022 11:07

@Evans18

Please don't assume he'll want to be as fair as you do, especially looking at your comments on his abusive behaviour now.

We have our 3 kids

Children don't get less expensive as they get older - I'm sure you know that. So you do need to ensure that the settlement you get at the end of your marriage will enable you to parent/co-parent fairly. I hope you are also claiming child maintenance from him either directly or via CMS (check the website that you are getting the right amount to look after your shared children).

You also need to ensure you have a legally fair financial settlement so that if (though hopefully not) you are unable to work at an point in the future you will be financially secure - housing being a primary expense.

Do also check you are claiming whatever benefits you are due, from the 25% single adult council tax reduction, any child benefits, etc. Have a look at www.entitledto.co.uk. Good luck OP. 🌹

pointythings · 15/02/2022 17:22

You don't have to be nasty, but for the sake of your children you do have to be rational. From what you're saying it sounds as if you will be the majority resident parent, so that means he needs to contribute a fair share, as calculated against his income, towards his children. You also need a fair share of the assets based on what you have put in, both in material and in immaterial terms (as in the hit taken by your career if you were a SAHM for any length of time). None of that means you're being nasty, it means you are demanding fairness and that is only right. Put your children first here, not your ethics.

Meh2020 · 15/02/2022 17:35

It’s not emotional to think of security for your future. And you certainly do not have to be nasty about it.

Get a good solicitor who will do the work for you so that you aren’t up shit creek without a paddle when reality bites. Not being mean but urge you to be more sensible about your future.

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