Time off from work

Threecrookedhearts · 2022-02-07T10:42:07+00:00

Hello, I found out stbx was having an affair 10 days ago. Since then it's all been a blur and I'm in pieces. Our 2 kids 12 and 14 are in pieces too and stbx has moved in with new girlfriend 90 mins drive away. I took all of last week off work as I needed to sort out financial advice/photocopy/ be there for kids etc. I work ft from home mostly at moment and work were v understanding. It's Monday morning now and I just can't bring myself to work. I've hardly slept again and the unfairness of it all is making me feel sick, shaky and beyond stressed. If you work how much time (if any) did you take off sick/stress leave?

olderthanilookapparently · 07/02/2022 10:43

I didn't have any DC and I took a week off sick and another week off holiday.

Hope you are feeling OK - there is no point trying to work if you can't concentrate anyway

Unknown83 · 07/02/2022 13:44

I was "lucky" in that I discovered my STBXW's first affair during lockdown and work wasn't expecting much productivity anyway.

That said, I actually found the effort to focus on work was quite a good therapy in the end. Not after just one week though.

One thing that will make you feel better though. Studies have indicated that about 99% of affairs end in a breakup, normally quite soon after the discovery. You were probably an essential ingredient in the affair and your STBXH probably got off on going behind your back. The pair of them will quickly realise how little else they have in common. Just don't be a fool and take him back when he does because if you do, he'll do it again. Cheats never reform, some just get a lot better at covering their tracks.

Undertheoldlindentree · 07/02/2022 13:53

Full-time job and 3DC. Didn't feel up to telling work initially so had to disguise as 2 days sick-leave, then back to work. It's a wretched time, hope you can meet up with good friends for coffee regularly...just talking all the stress and shock out, over and over again. It's a mini-release every time and eventually lifts your spirits for the challenges ahead.

Good Luck

Original poster

Threecrookedhearts · 07/02/2022 14:17

@Unknown83

I was "lucky" in that I discovered my STBXW's first affair during lockdown and work wasn't expecting much productivity anyway.

That said, I actually found the effort to focus on work was quite a good therapy in the end. Not after just one week though.

One thing that will make you feel better though. Studies have indicated that about 99% of affairs end in a breakup, normally quite soon after the discovery. You were probably an essential ingredient in the affair and your STBXH probably got off on going behind your back. The pair of them will quickly realise how little else they have in common. Just don't be a fool and take him back when he does because if you do, he'll do it again. Cheats never reform, some just get a lot better at covering their tracks.

Thank you. To make things worse (or maybe not) is they only met 2 weeks before he left. They met through work and must have started some intense messaging straight away. By the time he told me he was totally gone. I had no chance to save anything. He's cheated of sorts through the years and I've caught him messaging other women, on sex/swingers forums and I've always forgiven him and he's sworn he won't do it again. This is the first time I think he's actually met someone and it feels worse and he's clearly falling in love with her. It really won't last I don't think. There's an age and cultural difference and she has a small child herself so you would think they would be her priority not taking some random bloke you'd met 2 weeks before. I am in pieces though but I would never ever take him back now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Threecrookedhearts · 07/02/2022 14:19

@Undertheoldlindentree

Full-time job and 3DC. Didn't feel up to telling work initially so had to disguise as 2 days sick-leave, then back to work. It's a wretched time, hope you can meet up with good friends for coffee regularly...just talking all the stress and shock out, over and over again. It's a mini-release every time and eventually lifts your spirits for the challenges ahead.

Good Luck

Thank you. I'm seeing friends more than before.I'd felt low over the last 6 months anyway. I'd put on weight, hardly ever went out etc. If nothing else I'm making sure I see friends more and talk to my sister more.

OP posts:

Original poster

Threecrookedhearts · 07/02/2022 14:20

I am working but not being v productive. My parents have been with me for the last 8 days since I found out but they've just left. I had another crying fit. Kids will be home from school in an hour so I need to pull myself together!

OP posts:

Unknown83 · 07/02/2022 14:46

@Threecrookedhearts

I very much doubt he's telling you the truth that it was only 2 weeks before he left you to be honest.

GooodMythicalMorning · 07/02/2022 14:56

Mine did very similar. I had a week off and boss paid it as hol as I had some leftover. 7 months on now and things are starting to get better. He on the other hand has realised the grass isn't greener and is very unhappy with OW but won't leave her due to pride and that he 'loves' her so it's right they stay together even though they're making each other miserable.

Strongerthanyouthink · 07/02/2022 14:57

I took 4 weeks off. No affair, but a traumatic end in a different way. I was ready to go back and work were super supportive. Work has really helped me and given me structure.
I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through, in the longer term you will be so much happier. There is a great future ahead x

Unknown83 · 07/02/2022 14:59

@GooodMythicalMorning

Mine did very similar. I had a week off and boss paid it as hol as I had some leftover. 7 months on now and things are starting to get better. He on the other hand has realised the grass isn't greener and is very unhappy with OW but won't leave her due to pride and that he 'loves' her so it's right they stay together even though they're making each other miserable.

So, so predictable! This happens almost all the time. Please make sure you don't take them back though, it's a green light for them to do it again knowing the consequences aren't terminal.

Trust me, false reconciliation followed by discovery day 2 is a million times worse because the second time they're saying "well, now I know how much it hurts you, but I did it anyway."

Shunter350 · 07/02/2022 15:07

One month. I get full pay for six months. Actually I was off for two because I was prescribed anti anxiety medication.
The extra month was because my works occupational health couldn't fit me in sooner.
There was no affair but it's a horrendous experience for everyone.
If you can get a GP sick line and medication to slow your head down.
Look after yourself because you have look after your kids.
I'm still going through a difficult time, I'm currently feeling pretty down. But it's still better than being in a sterile marriage.
Take care. It WILL work out ok.

GooodMythicalMorning · 07/02/2022 16:42

Unknown83 I have a lovely new boyfriend now, so definitely no going back for me

Unknown83 · 07/02/2022 17:51

@GooodMythicalMorning

Unknown83 I have a lovely new boyfriend now, so definitely no going back for me

Good stuff!

Peach2021 · 07/02/2022 18:13

Be gentle with yourself and take as much time as you need - it is a huge shock and the chances are you won’t be able to concentrate or even think straight anyway. It took me about 3 weeks to feel like I could achieve anything and some days were more productive than others, and still are, four months on.

Peach2021 · 07/02/2022 18:16

Should have said my boss was very understanding and just allowed me to come back when I was ready (within limits), but if your manager isn’t like that just get yourself signed off by your doctor.