Best way to get divorce with ex who won’t engage

[Beakerandbungle]

Hi all

Been separated from ex for 4 years. He had an affair, lives with OW and has another child with her. We have two DC together - 10 and 7. One DC has SEN which makes things difficult ( I’ve had to alter work hours etc, spend my life fighting for him including lawyers - only mention as it partly explains why I just don’t have any fight in me anymore).

Amicable with ex. I’m currently still in the family home - he doesn’t appear bothered about this at all. Kids are with me majority of time ( all the time atm) but he still comes to the house and does bath and bed etc, takes them to school so is involved.

Problem is I can’t get him to engage in getting divorced at all. He just ignores any correspondence. I did get him to go to a mediation session but then he didn’t do any follow up paperwork - mainly because he can’t be bothered. I don’t understand it but am starting to find it unbearable .

We don’t have loads of assets to split - mainly the house. Housing wise due to SEN child and school etc I need to stay in current ( very expensive) area. To get something small with 3 beds ( kids can’t share because of SEn - ex agrees with this) I need 60% equity. He will fight and fight me over this. If I agree to drop to 50 I suspect he’d agree to divorce ( although even then no idea how to get him to engage with paperwork??).

I just don’t know - how do you move things forwards with someone who won’t engage? Without it costing loads. Just reaching point where I can’t go on in this limbo.

I am sorry you are going through this. I'm sure others will have great advice and experience, however, just on the face of it, you will need to get the ball rolling with your own solicitor who will advise you on what you can/should ask for and can draft the agreement up (consent order). This is the formal financial agreement that needs to be passed by a Judge for it to be legally binding (forever) but the custody part is separate to the finances. It is always up to the Judge to decide a fair split and they will always consider meeting the children's needs first then the each of the parents. It is not up to your ex whether you get 50/50, this is simply the starting point and it is the Judge who has the final say depending on your whole situation. But I am unsure how it could proceed if your ex doesn't engage and 'agree' to any proposals.
You could be legally divorced without him doing anything because you have already been separated for more than 2 years but it is usually prudent to wait until the finances and custody are sorted first.

I’m not sure why you haven’t just ploughed on with the divorce. His lack of engagement just slows everything down but if you are housed why does that matter? Otherwise it will wind it’s way through the system and the outcome will be negative or worse for him. No reason you can’t ask for 70% and leave it to him to object and argue for less . If he doesn’t then that’s his problem.

You could petition for divorce on grounds of adultery. The documents will be served to him. He can ignore but it’ll proceed without his consent.
The financial matters are handled separately…if you can’t agree then you’ll start by going to mediation. Explain you’ll both have less money if you go this route because every hour of 1 solicitors time costs £150at best..so it’s best to reach a decision yourselves. Read the government issued or Mediates guides on how the courts award financial agreements if you cant- it gives a series of priorities of what the financial settlement needs to acheive. That’ll help you have your expectations right and allow you to work out what settlement you really are likely to get if you fought it through courts. You don’t want to do that- so understanding it will give you the power to know what you should be agreeing with him amicably and why. You can pass those documents to him as well so he understands more clearly where he stands.
In the end if you both read those guidelines, accept you’ll both be worse off and get realistic, you’ll save yourselves a ton of money, stress, and time in avoiding mediation or god forbid, taking it all the way to a court.

It is a nightmare. Dp had this with his ex (long before he met me). In the end he had to wait 5 years and go down the abandonment route as he could not get it to proceed before then. She simply refused to acknowledge any letter and any correspondence!

My DP was also in this situation with his ex, no replies to solicitors letters, wouldn't discuss directly, basically stalled every reasonable offer. I think she was expecting him to give up & sign the house over to her. In the end after 2.5 years of it he was advised to take it to court, took a year in total, but now it's all done. I think the divorce process & I'm talking about the financial side is only easy if you have 2 reasonable parties. If one or both are unreasonable you have to take extreme action. Hope you push this forwards & can move on with your life

You should definitely file for divorce and go for as much equity as possible.

You have a SEN child who'll eventually become an adult.From personal experience with a younger sibling who has SEN;they haven't flown the nest because they've not reached the stage where they'll be able to do that despite being in their late twenties.

When your DC leaves full time education your ex is off the hook for maintenance and although your DC will be entitled to PIP etc it only goes so far.

It's not as though your DC's will grow up and you won't need to accommodate them anymore;you may be needing to house your DC with SEN for years to come.

Just file for divorce. You've been separated for 4 years. The minimum with consent is 2 years, but he has committed adultery which is demonstrable. Just send off the application online. Takes around 15 minutes! Costs £595. the the ball starts rolling. If you can't afford it put that you need legal aid for it on the form. Simple!

Mentally at least you've started it. As you've got kids they will want to engage him and they will demand response from him. He can't ignore the courts!

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I did get legal advice right at the beginning - so have an idea of what is a reasonable settlement for me. I’m asking for the bottom end of what I was advised and his situation is now better. At the time I was also advised to try and get him to agree as otherwise it is a nightmare, costly for me, particularly if it ends up on court. In retrospect I probably should have just started it. But covid happened and then my DS SEN became more obvious and difficulties more pronounced.

@Warblerinwinter

It’s strange because we are perfectly amicable day to day - I guess I’ve held off as don’t want to end up in a bad place. I’m trying to avoid conflict I suppose. Ex has always been like this - if he can’t be bothered/hates paperwork he just doesn’t do it, selfish but not doing it maliciously. I’ve sort of lost the boundaries of built up during covid and kind of any anger i had ( save that for battles for my DS). Just want to move on.

@Warblerinwinter yes this is my thinking! I didn’t realise there are court documents setting out financials are decided, will look them up thanks.

warbler apologies didn’t mean to tag you twice!