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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

End of my tether am I the bad guy?

13 replies

Mooncake86 · 03/02/2022 13:10

Left my ex in 2017, we were married had 2 kids. He was and still is an abusive bullying a-hole however I did everything to help support a relationship between him and the kids. Over the years he has always been inconsistent with visits, going 2/3 weeks with no contact, seeing them for a few hours rarely does overnights. He went abroad to meet a woman and missed an op our dd went in for that he knew about in advance and even extended Said holiday.didnt even bother to check on her for several days afterwards it was a minor op for glue ear but still
For the past 3 years I have offered him Xmas day into boxing day with the kids first time he said yes but backed out Xmas eve said he was working following year his excuse was covid and then Xmas 21' simply said I'm spending Xmas day with my family so I guess the children don't count?
So much more there but last night I messaged asking about summer holidays to see when he would want the kids and was told he had 2 weeks to go meet the new girlfriend and another 2 for her to visit him and a week for Xmas. He said I have no intention of taking the kids for those holiday weeks unless I have a long weekend. I'm not proud of it but I lost it and told him enough is enough I want him to step up and agree to set visits as our dd is autistic and struggles so much with him flitting back and forth he said no and that he wouldn't spend a penny through court/doesn't wanna take them to help me etc and that he won't see them again.
I told him to go through court to hash out proper visits or simply not see them and he called me a bully and awful , I only wanted to encourage him to see them and spend more time with them. Am I just being really cruel??
My partner is fantastic really bonded with both kids, my dd even calls him daddy(1st name)

I have just ignored his last message and am waiting to see if he will bother to reach out again, kids a 7 and 10 how do I even explain this is they ask about him
Sorry for the big long rant

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 03/02/2022 13:17

Even if you go to court and have the visitation court ordered, you can’t make him stick to it.
Also, if he says he wants them 1 1/2 day every month…..that’s what he’ll get.

Original poster
Mooncake86 · 03/02/2022 15:04

He has said he won't even bother with court he has pretty much said if he can't see them on his terms he just won't see them at all

OP posts:
Strongerthanyouthink · 03/02/2022 15:19

I think you need to accept your children are not going to have a close bond with him. You can't force him to be a good dad. Make all your lovely arrangements as a family. If he wants the odd day, great. If not, don't worry about it. They are getting their love and security from you. You can't do anymore!

Original poster
Mooncake86 · 03/02/2022 16:09

@Strongerthanyouthink thanks, I think I just need to step back and let it happen. He will regret it as the kids are getting older and more aware. My dd is only 7 and has said things to me like daddy j is my number 1 daddy the other dad I have (bio dad) is ok.

OP posts:
LethargicActress · 03/02/2022 16:15

Stop trying to facilitate a relationship and let it happen naturally, even if that means no relationship because he can’t be bothered. It probably feels like you’re doing best by your kids by trying to keep their Dad in their lives, but actually the stability and an end to you being stressed by this will be more important for them in the long run.

Bellyups · 03/02/2022 16:21

He doesn’t want to see then, you can’t force him to

Unknown83 · 04/02/2022 14:32

I don't think you're the "bad guy" but I would recommend you protect yourself by ensuring that a solicitor agrees that your methods are reasonable. The last thing you want if things turn ugly is to be accused of BS theories like parental alienation.

Avarua · 04/02/2022 14:44

He gets to run off and you get sole care of a 7 and 10 year old, one of whom is Autistic and who might need ongoing support well into adulthood? Fuck that, it's not fair.

Original poster
Mooncake86 · 04/02/2022 14:49

Thanks all for your responses, I am in contact with a solicitor and I have kept a diary of when he visited and I have screenshot messages of him saying things like "I just won't see them" "I'm not spending a penny in court" "telling me to f**k off when he backed out last minute at christmas cos he decided to work

OP posts:
Tlollj · 04/02/2022 14:52

Well fuck him then. He is the one who will miss out. 🤷‍♀️

Avarua · 04/02/2022 15:23

There may be times when the OP wants to "miss out" on caring responsibilities.

Original poster
Mooncake86 · 04/02/2022 16:23

@Avarua to be honest he's terrible with my asd daughter, she's an amazing girl so funny and sweet and it's likely she may need support of some type her whole life, her bio dad doesn't even know how to interact with her she has difficulties with speech but myself and stepdad understand her perfectly fine. Infact recently when bio dad had the kids for maybe 4 hours she was sick in the car (terrible motion sickness) I later found out he shouted at her and called her disgusting.. probably the best thing for the kids if he's not around I have just always had this idea that they need their bio dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mooncake86 · 04/02/2022 16:25

@Tlollj he really will, the kids are growing so fast. They are amazing and despite dd's difficulties she's happy and thriving. When he did take them I spent the whole time worried about them

OP posts:
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