How does anyone stay 'amicable' while divorcing?

[Sunshineandflipflops]

Hi - I've posted this in relationships too but perhaps this is a better place.

So my husband and I separated 4 years ago, following his affair.

It was obviously very traumatic at the time - we had a generally happy marriage & 2 dc.

We decided to wait to 2 years for a 'no fault' divorce for a few reasons but due to Covid, 2 years turned to almost 4 and he hasn't started proceedings so I did. We agreed that we would keep things as stress-free and amicable as possible as despite what he did, we (I) have worked really hard to have some kind of amicable co-parenting relationship for our dc's sake.

Anyway, it has been me absorbing all the solicitors fees as up to this point he decided not to get his own (was a little naive I think). Now my solicitor has put my offer to him re the house and finances, he has clearly had a dose of reality and got his own solicitor.

As well as dragging things out for 8 months (taking ages to get financial disclosure to my solicitor/generally taking ages to respond to things), he has now told me he can't pay me an installment of the divorce costs the court have ordered him to pay me this month as he "now has his own solicitor to pay" so it will have to wait until next month. He earns over 3 x what I do so don't know how he thinks I pay my solicitor bills!

I desperately want to keep things amicable but how on earth do people do it?! I keep trying to think of the bigger picture but my stress levels are at an all time high and we have come from a place of relative 'getting on ok'.

I think it’s so hard once you try to divide finances. 2 years down the fairly amicable line and we have resorted to solicitors and child related only direct communication. I see in him unbelievable selfishness and am now quite relieved to have solicitor support with the negotiations. But v stressful and I feel like my life is out of my control whilst he is v cozy with his new life.

I wish I could say I’ve managed it but I haven’t. Similar situation, affair and I had to pick up the pieces with our two young children. Communication is down to the absolute minimum and I try to only speak to him via text and not verbally. We parallel parent.

Yes. But I had to really work hard to keep focus on the future not the past. I knew if I allowed either of us to start debating that it would have descended into arguments, belligerence and that would have cost us more in money and time. I only allowed myself to get angry on my own. And we had no dependant kids to complicate, or debt /mortgage and enough assets/income for us to split 50/50 and afford a small home each and basic but comfortable lifestyle on ( we were both retired)
I had to be very careful given I was petitioning on basis of unreasonable behaviour. That made it quick, very quick though. I asked for divorce in March, raised petition at start of April once we’d agreed how to separate , and decree final/absolute came through by end of June. We’d both sold the old house and moved to new homes by mid June- that was by far the most stressful part - but we actually helped each other through it
It can be done- but I think you have to have a common purpose that you both agree on and keep the focus on that. Maybe that’s the first thing to discuss with him I.e. do we agree we need to divorce and do that as cheaply and quickly as possible, which means working separation things out between just us first, not the solicitors

Not sure why covid got in the way though Op? I divorced in middle of it.

Thanks everyone. @Warblerinwinter I say Covid got in the way because I think we just went into survival mode and our focus was on work and keeping our dc schooled and happy.

I dont see why he should pay for your solicitor. I would be annoyed too in his shoes. Not saying he is right just saying I would feel the same.

We have sorted our own arrangement and are going to file online no solicitor once the house is sold, he offered me 60% which is fair

Similar situation here. Left it 3 years to start divorce. Talked about it lots though and agreement was to wait till I could afford it. No affair etc here so we were ok. The minute I put in for divorce he becomes super selfish.
I went 3 years with no maintenance but solicitor sorted that and then suddenly he showed his true colours.
We are down to communicating only about his contact.
That's remained stable at 6-10 hours a week despite him having open access and living only 3 miles away.
Kids now are totally not bothered about seeing him. He doesn't ask how the older ones are. The youngest is 10 and struggling spending time with him but I'm pushing it.
I can't stand to look at the man.

I've always maintained i wanted to keep things amicable between myself and stbxh but its become more and more clear that thats not going to happen. He takes issue with everything, cannot understand how child maintenance or the divorce process works and is generally just being awkward as hell.

We went the mediation route. I think its better to be in the same room rather than dealing just through solicitors.

@Viviennemary

I dont see why he should pay for your solicitor. I would be annoyed too in his shoes. Not saying he is right just saying I would feel the same.

@Viviennemary He’s not paying for my solicitor, I am! He hasn’t even instructed his own solicitor until about a week ago so it’s been me paying for everything so far.

The money he owes me is for his share of the cost of the actual divorce court costs…which I have paid all of!

@Viviennemary

I dont see why he should pay for your solicitor. I would be annoyed too in his shoes. Not saying he is right just saying I would feel the same.

The courts have ordered my ex to pay all my costs and they only gave him 14 days to pay too. He earns significantly more than I do and I shoulder 85% of the childcare.

@user1468673063

I think it’s so hard once you try to divide finances. 2 years down the fairly amicable line and we have resorted to solicitors and child related only direct communication. I see in him unbelievable selfishness and am now quite relieved to have solicitor support with the negotiations. But v stressful and I feel like my life is out of my control whilst he is v cozy with his new life.

I'm almost identical. We are only a year down the line and I am getting a solicitor involved even through we are going through 'Amicable' for the divorce. He is being an absolute #ick regarding the finances even though he has moved into his gfriends house and has left me to fully furnish another with our children. Mines wanting me to pay him for the furniture I have taken even though I have taken a fair split. I would now advise everyone to go through a solicitor from the outset.

@CrunchTime22

We went the mediation route. I think its better to be in the same room rather than dealing just through solicitors.

Mine is refusing to even go to mediation.

Just an insight into how my situation has diminished into me needing a solicitor. Getting divorced after 20 years - 3 children (13, 18,19). He has moved in with his girlfriend and her 2 boys (6, 13) and is basically a ' kept' man again. Runs his own business but only takes out what he needs to live on and contributes the least he can (he has always operated this way). I petitioned the divorce for unreasonable behaviour though Amicable as he wanted to stay away from solicitors so i agreed. Then it started...........regarding our son, we agreed every other weekend for Tom to stay with him and our girls would go as and when with them being older. He has now told me he is scrapping that arrangement and doesn't want to see our son as Tom hasn't text his dad this past week to ask how he is (N has told me that I am feeding Tom lies and being toxic - i'm not). Regarding our house - its a big 4 bed detached, He has refused to help clear the house or help sell any of the furniture and posted his keys through the door the week after I started to move furniture into my rented house (the exchange and completion date is imminent). He wants the inventory done with a cash equiivallent price against every item and for me to make him a cash offer for all the pieces I am keeping even though he told our daughters that anything he takes is going straight to the tip and he has no intention of keeping anything from the house. I have had to give him half my inheritance from my parents plus he is now taking me for any furniture he can. The last week I was in the old property, he came in, and took the WIFI box - as you can imagine the kids kicked off. It was him trying to take control and has since told me that as I haven't done the house inventory as he wanted me to then he can do what he wants........ It continues....