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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Manipulation of children

25 replies

wrigglewriggles · 02/02/2022 12:06

Finally managed to leave ex partner and set myself and children up in a new home. All was going well until ex returned from working away.
He's now telling the children that they do not need to listen to me and should call him 'if mummy does anything to upset you' So come bedtime, for example, the oldest two will refuse to get ready for bed, will run around and throw toys until finally tired enough to sleep. Clearly not ideal. Problem is if I remind them that it's bed time, raise my voice slightly, put forward consequences for not listening they will call him and tell him I'm not being nice. He's recording their calls and is threatening to use this as evidence that they shouldn't live with me.
I've tried talking to the children about why they do need to listen etc and they seem to take it on board but then it all starts again.

I just don't know what to do. I feel like I've lost control in my own home. Our lovely safe space is being ruined by him.

Has anyone else had this? What can I do? I'd love to put in place a rule that he only calls once a day at a set time but there's going to be huge resistance to that. Is this something that can be included in a residency order?
I'm so tired of battling. I fought hard to get out and it just doesn't stop.

OP posts:

DaffodilDandilion · 02/02/2022 12:09

I would hope that if he even attempted to use evidence of you parenting against you that it would severely work against him.

Original poster

wrigglewriggles · 02/02/2022 12:12

I hope this too but he's damaging my relationship with the children.
How can I help them understand that what he is saying is wrong without using the actual words I want to about him.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/02/2022 12:17

How old are they and how are they calling him, from their own phones?

If they’re young enough to be playing with toys instead of going to bed they don’t sound old enough to be making calls by themselves?

If you could stop them doing it that would help.

Original poster

wrigglewriggles · 02/02/2022 12:23

The oldest two are 9 and 6. The eldest has Skype on his iPad so uses that.

I could take away the iPad but that would cause problems too. It's not only at bedtime this happens, it can be any time of the day. Bedtime was just an example. If they say they want to talk to him and I refuse this causes problems too and he uses this against me as stopping them having contact. We need clear guidelines in place about communication when the children are with me but I know that we won't be able to do that without it being 'enforced' by the courts.

Is hasn't helped that we've been at home under covid quarantine the past week.

OP posts:

SnowWhitesSM · 02/02/2022 12:30

OP I'd ring social care and explain this situation because you're not being able to parent and that isn't keeping them safe. Hopefully they will do an assessment (you might not meet the threshold but actually the emotional abuse your dc are having with the alienation might).

Then I'd remove their tech and put in boundaries. Your children will not feel safe and secure in your home whilst they're in charge of it. There's an order you can get where he can't pick the dc up from school, get that sorted and let him take to court for access. Write a chronology from your children's pov around their emotional wellbeing and what he is doing.

MadeForThis · 02/02/2022 12:33

I would delete Skype and only reinstall it for prearranged contact.

You need to be smarter than him.

Enko · 02/02/2022 12:34

When you are with daddy he gets to make the rules when you are home with me I get to.

Dad says xxx thats nice you can follow that at dads house here in this house this is the rule

Repeat repeat

MadeForThis · 02/02/2022 12:34

I wouldn't let the iPad go to his house either. He could install anything on it. He can provide tech for his house.

Original poster

wrigglewriggles · 02/02/2022 13:09

Am waiting for social services to get back to me and will have another talk about boundaries/rules at mummy v daddy's house.
I naively thought that moving into our own place would stop the abuse he threw my way- in some ways it's got worse and now the children are even more effected by it all. I sometimes wonder if I should have stuck it out and stayed - I have done the right thing, I know that but my god it's hard.

OP posts:

Unknown83 · 02/02/2022 13:23

@wrigglewriggles

Can we take a couple of steps back? I would like to understand the current childcare arrangements better.

I can understand why they were with you because he was moving abroad but how did you leave the family home and how was it negotiated? Presumably you didn't just up and leave?

And what is the status of the child arrangements now? Agreed or to be agreed?

AskingforaBaskin · 02/02/2022 13:23

When they are in school remove all of their devices. They are not entitled to them.

Original poster

wrigglewriggles · 02/02/2022 13:31

[quote Unknown83]@wrigglewriggles

Can we take a couple of steps back? I would like to understand the current childcare arrangements better.

I can understand why they were with you because he was moving abroad but how did you leave the family home and how was it negotiated? Presumably you didn't just up and leave?

And what is the status of the child arrangements now? Agreed or to be agreed?

The reason I ask is because there's obviously going to be a world of difference if you left the FMH whilst he was working abroad without telling him and then try and call the shots on access without anything formally agreed vs. leaving the FMH by mutual consent and there being an order in place already. I'm not clear which is the case (or if it's something inbetween)?[/quote]
We officially separated over 18 months ago but lived together until family home was sold.
We moved out end of November each to our own homes. I didn't just up and leave without him knowing.
He was working offshore for the first few weeks and then returned, collecting the children from school with no warning saying he was going to keep them for a week. This was not a mutual agreement or something ordered by the courts. This back fired on him as the children weren't happy. They returned to me after two nights.
We then had a three night each arrangement (youngest is two so this was the longest I felt she should be away from me as her primary care giver and as he's had very little to do with looking after her up to this point) with agreed adjustments over Christmas. Now they are with me for four nights and him three as this works with his work schedule.
Arrangements are going through the family court (not in uk) to have everything formalised as he has refused to return the children as agreed etc. Until I have something on paper then he can pretty much do as he likes (which he has been)

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/02/2022 15:59

I’d take up tablet. If you’re struggling with Covid and need screens then let them watch tv. They’re very young, the downsides are far worse than any short term positives. Take it away and look into some parenting techniques - the book how to talk so kids will listen is very useful.

Unknown83 · 02/02/2022 17:19

@wrigglewriggles

In that case the other advice you're getting is probably on the money and it might be worth bottoming that out with a solicitor.

titchy · 02/02/2022 17:25

Take the screens away, or remove the WiFi code from them. Kids are far too young to have free access to any internet enabled app.

MrsBertBibby · 02/02/2022 18:16

Turn off the WiFi.

Ours used to be set so the children's devices were all automatically thrown off at bedtime, and not allowed back in until a sensible hour in the morning.

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 02/02/2022 18:33

My ex husband got a new partner and suddenly was like this with our 9 year olds that he didn’t see regularly. I took their phones off them, and personally my children do not ever fall between contact unless it’s a birthday or Christmas. You wouldn’t be wrong for implementing this as long as he had regular contact. It is also written in our court order that neither one of us can talk bad about the other parent to the children. This is massively not okay and I know how my children were when this was happening to me.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 02/02/2022 18:37

Stick your your personal ideas of parenting op.. Dc do not need access to tech. They can ring their df at a designated time off your phone. He has no power in your home now op. Keep a diary of his bullying.

Original poster

wrigglewriggles · 02/02/2022 18:45

@MrsBertBibby

Turn off the WiFi.

Ours used to be set so the children's devices were all automatically thrown off at bedtime, and not allowed back in until a sensible hour in the morning.

Good idea - need to look into how to do this.

OP posts:

Original poster

wrigglewriggles · 02/02/2022 18:46

@Duxiejhrhrvjz

Good to hear that it is possible to have these kind of things included in agreements. Exactly what I want/what we need.

OP posts:

Original poster

wrigglewriggles · 02/02/2022 18:49

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Good idea about the diary - I was doing this but should start back up with it. Problem is it's still always my word vs his but good to have a record.

OP posts:

Unknown83 · 03/02/2022 12:34

@wrigglewriggles

The only caution I would advise is that if you are going to unilaterally alter the way your ex communicates with his children (regardless of what he does when he speaks to them), don't just think about what you are doing but also how it might be perceived. Remember, he is already trying to gather evidence on why the children shouldn't live with you (although his working abroad for periods of time are a pretty good reason why they should live with you at least for now!!)

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 03/02/2022 17:05

The thing is op in court when you are asked about things and can refer to your diary you will be telling the truth.
My exh was unable to do that.
And judge knew it.

Unknown83 · 04/02/2022 14:29

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

The thing is op in court when you are asked about things and can refer to your diary you will be telling the truth. My exh was unable to do that. And judge knew it.

Were you really just able to rely on one sided stuff written in a diary? I'm asking because I'm thinking about starting a diary myself but I wasn't sure if it would be taken seriously?

Original poster

wrigglewriggles · 11/03/2022 18:27

Thank you to whoever suggested a way of turning off the WiFi. So much better/easier doing bedtime without the constant interruptions.
Ex hasn't come to collect the children as agreed this week. No warning, explanation, nothing and he's not responding to calls. Found out from children's teachers that he's back working offshore. We're meant to be sorting out visitation on Monday. No idea if he'll even turn up to the meeting (or if he's even in the country!)

OP posts:

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