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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Break up and dad now wants full custody

21 replies

Charmumof1 · 31/01/2022 10:30

Right I don’t even know where to start.

Me and my little girls dad broke up just over 3 weeks ago. We had a plan in place that he was going to be picking her up after nursery having her till 7 and then dropping her back to me and then having her 9-7 on a Saturday and then every other Sunday. All this week he’s dropped her back at about 5:30 even though she finishes nursery at 5 and he’s turned round and said that he’s not having her on a Sunday because he needs ‘his time’. Saturday I get a phone calling saying that he’s going to be taking me to court for full custody and he wants my little girl to have nothing to do with me. He only has a 1 bed flat and works full time (early morning gets back late). He’s also turned round and said that my child maintence will be going to my mum and I have to prove to her what I’m spending it on with proof of purchase? Can he do this????

OP posts:
Soul11Soul · 31/01/2022 10:40

No. Of course not. Not unless there is something glaringly awful that you have done that you haven't shared here.

Speak to a solicitor asap. And arrange your child maintenance through CMS. They will arrange for it to be paid straight into your account. He clearly has no idea what he's talking about because if he had "full custody" he wouldn't have to pay you any maintenance, you would have to pay him.

Go to a solicitor, get a contact order sorted and let him threaten you all he likes. It's almost always bluster.

Charmumof1 · 31/01/2022 10:44

He was very controlling towards me and I had to get out the situation. He’s now turned round and said that I don’t look after my child. She has really bad eczema that he’s now blaming me for saying it’s because I don’t look after her. Even when he was here I felt like a single parent because I done everything. He can’t even wake up to her screaming!

OP posts:
purpleboy · 31/01/2022 11:16

He is a bully, that's pretty obvious. You've done the right thing getting away from him.
Let him go to court, I see no reason a judge would give him full custody, he hasn't even stuck to the original timings you agreed on.
Keep all texts and emails, document everything and go to court armed with all your evidence.

Firefliess · 31/01/2022 11:20

As others have said, he can't do any of that. I'd also suggest (if he does back down and start being more reasonable) that you set up routines for when he has her that minimise contact between you. From nursery one day and overnight dropping back at nursery the next morning one night a week would be a lot better than having to deal with him arriving at yours (which he probably still feels is "his" home) every evening. Even if it does mean her sharing his bed or taking a sleeping bag.

Unknown83 · 31/01/2022 11:53

@Charmumof1

Right I don’t even know where to start.

Me and my little girls dad broke up just over 3 weeks ago. We had a plan in place that he was going to be picking her up after nursery having her till 7 and then dropping her back to me and then having her 9-7 on a Saturday and then every other Sunday. All this week he’s dropped her back at about 5:30 even though she finishes nursery at 5 and he’s turned round and said that he’s not having her on a Sunday because he needs ‘his time’. Saturday I get a phone calling saying that he’s going to be taking me to court for full custody and he wants my little girl to have nothing to do with me. He only has a 1 bed flat and works full time (early morning gets back late). He’s also turned round and said that my child maintence will be going to my mum and I have to prove to her what I’m spending it on with proof of purchase? Can he do this????

He won't get full custody and neither will you. Clearly there is a precedent for both of you to provide some childcare and therefore to deviate from a starting point of 50/50 to one parent getting all the custody not only makes absolutely no sense but would do unnecessary damage to your daughter.

Also, on child maintenance, he can't do that. The CMS will tell him where its going to be paid, thank you very much. If it's 50/50 shared care then there won't be anything to pay but otherwise one or other of you will pay to the other depending on who has the childs more nights (at the moment that's you).

Some things in your original post don't stack up though and also there are some gaps in info. First of all, why are the housing arrangements as they are? Do you own a property together? If so, how big is it? Why is he in a one bed flat, is that all he can afford and if so why as his needs are for a two bed flat? Etc. And married or not?

In terms of what doesn't stack up, why is he doing every single nursery pick up and then handing DD over to you, whether it's 5:30 or 7? And how is he working full time yet able to pick DD up and get her to you so quickly? Is work, nursery and your home all really close? You'll probably have to accept that this will need to change because ultimately he's taking more of a hit in his ability to work than you are whilst paying you all the maintenance. It might be why he's being passive aggressive about the arrangement and thinking he should have full custody because us men can be sodding useless at explaining our problems!

Suggestion. Get a mediator and hammer out shared care that works for both of you so that you each do your fair share of childcare and can both also work and make the money you need. He needs to lose the option to drop his DD back early to you without notice and you need to lose the option to depend on him for every single pickup. The suggestion that pickups and drop offs are done at the nursery between the two of you is a good one.

Embracelife · 31/01/2022 11:58

He can ask
So can you
Starting point 50 50
You argue your case for and against deviation from that in child s best interests

Flat size is irrelevant

Embracelife · 31/01/2022 12:00

Your mother is not involved
Unless you have limited capacity like learning disabilities and she is involved in your day to day anyway and maNages your finances

Allpenguinsarepingus · 31/01/2022 12:06

Have you taken her to the dr about her eczema? Doing a good job of after a child with eczema doesn’t mean that the eczema will just go away. But if you can show you have sought medical help for it then that’s evidence you are looking after her health.

Charmumof1 · 31/01/2022 22:35

He told me he was doing every single nursery pick up and that I didn’t have the choice in the matter. The nursery is round the corner from his work and he said he was either picking her up or coming to mine. (She goes 3 times a week)All along I have said I want 50/50 and I thought we had a good plan in place. He’s got a 1 bed flat because ‘he didn’t need anything else’. We’re not married and we do not own a home we rented from the council which is now in my name. For the eczema I have dealt with all the doctors and got her in with a dermatologist because she’s on the strongest cream from docs

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 31/01/2022 22:50

No he doesn’t get to do this. I’d send him a super polite super bitch message so I had evidence in writing, something like the below. Then I’d repeat similar every week if this continues.

Dear x, regarding the points you raised on Tuesday-
Maintenance should be paid to my bank account directly and I do not have to provide receipts of spending. I have ensured everything is provided for our child since she was born so i am not sure what has prompted this thinking on your part that I am not to be trusted. If you feel unable to pay me directly I will have to go through cms who will take it from your pay to give it to me directly as per the requirements but they do take a cut on top to pay for the admin costs. Please let me know, if I don’t receive it by Friday I will open a case with them. Regarding dds eczema, I appreciate you haven’t been very involved to date but it’s probably time you get up to speed on the medical appointments I’ve taken her to, including with a specialist, if you are going to be doing 50/50 parenting. I will make some notes of her medication and who her doctors are to help you get up to speed, and we should agree to fully inform each other of what is said in any future medical appts, they are hard to book in so could easily fall on your contact time.
And that brings me to the50/50 care we had agreed, but which you seem to have changed your mind about. This is a surprise as you seem to be finding doing 50% a challenge, you have dropped her back early every weekday so far and canceled your weekend time, telling me you need some time to yourself. Given this I can’t understand why you would be pushing for her having dd full time. In any case I’ve always down the majority of her care, she is my daughter and I can’t see any reason to think that you taking on full time custody would be anything but detrimental to dd, she still needs her mother. If you insist on pushing for this we will have to go to mediation and failing that court, as I am a good mother and have no intention of giving up my child.
I trust you intend to stick to the agreed schedule this week. I have put it below as a reminder.

Also, if you’re applying for cms apply on the basis of contact that has happened - if that’s not 50/50 then be honest. Don’t short change yourself!

Howshouldibehave · 31/01/2022 22:54

Why would child maintenance go to your mum?

Unknown83 · 31/01/2022 23:10

@Charmumof1

He told me he was doing every single nursery pick up and that I didn’t have the choice in the matter. The nursery is round the corner from his work and he said he was either picking her up or coming to mine. (She goes 3 times a week)All along I have said I want 50/50 and I thought we had a good plan in place. He’s got a 1 bed flat because ‘he didn’t need anything else’. We’re not married and we do not own a home we rented from the council which is now in my name. For the eczema I have dealt with all the doctors and got her in with a dermatologist because she’s on the strongest cream from docs
Sounds like a bully. Get as much of what he says in text and email form.

He's not getting full custody. He will be lucky to get contact unless he stops being a dickhead.

CheekyHobson · 31/01/2022 23:15

Excellent response @timeisnotaline

Wreath21 · 01/02/2022 13:27

He doesn't want custody, he wants to coerce you into obeying his every whim. Abusive men always insist that they can punish you and get their own way when it's bullshit. He has no say in what you spend child support on, for instance, and no right to ask about it. (Yes, obviously, if DC were visibly underfed and in outgrown clothes while the PWC was trotting around in designerwear or had a known substance abuse problem then the NRP could take action regarding neglect, but the money is supposed to cover a proportion of utility bills etc as well as food shopping and clothing.)

megletthesecond · 01/02/2022 13:40

There is no point doing mediation with a bully.
You need someone savvy to support you through this.

Charmumof1 · 01/02/2022 20:00

Thank you all for your replies. He said that he said it out of anger. What anger I do not know so he’s happy to carry on 50/50. I’m still having the issue of the maintenance money tho

OP posts:
lljkk · 01/02/2022 21:14

" super polite super bitch " - I love this. To be deployed judiciously, but in your arsenal, for sure.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 01/02/2022 21:19

CMS, call them immediately. As long as he isn’t self employed or a job hopper, they’ll take it straight from his wages.

If he goes to court with that attitude, he’ll get laughed at.

Call Women’s Aid. He’s abusive. They’re best placed to advise you and get you legal help.

KeepGrowing · 05/02/2022 21:42

If you have a 40/60 split which parent would pay the other parent?

KeepGrowing · 05/02/2022 21:44

Op: I Meant to add, this bloke is a bully and will invent all sorts of drivel, which he knows will hurt you.

You need to put on your Extra thick skin.

HeyBlaby · 05/02/2022 21:48

If it's 50/50 care then no maintenance is payable either way.

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