Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Flip

Original poster

Who leaves

25 replies

Mercier1 · 25/01/2022 22:16

I’ve seen it written on here that the person who instigates the separation should be the one to leave. Is this really the case? In my situation if I leave would I have to continue paying the house hold bills (I am the sole earner) and then find money to rent?! I would not be able to do that. If I leave and stop paying the bills what happens then? Married house in both names, two young kids.

I have no family in this country and my husbands parents live 5 mins away. He does not work. Therefore has no income to pay mortgage bills or anything like that therefore how would this work.

I feel he is pushing me to call time now, he’s not brave enough to do it himself.

OP posts:

Unknown83 · 25/01/2022 22:33

Neither has to leave until the divorce is finalised. You both have rights to the marital home. I wouldn't recommend you leave either, as once he's in the house on his own he'll be in no rush to get on with the divorce or to sell up.

Original poster

Mercier1 · 25/01/2022 22:34

Great that will be wonderful for the children. Ffs. This is going to be hellish.

OP posts:

Unknown83 · 25/01/2022 22:41

@Mercier1

Great that will be wonderful for the children. Ffs. This is going to be hellish.

Yes but unfortunately when one partner moves out, often the partner who stays in the house starts playing silly buggers over contact with the children or sale of the family marital home because they have an upper hand in negotiation. So we are where we are.

I agree the law needs to grow up and learn that one person leaving the FMH is not necessarily indicative that the parent who stays is the primary care giver or has more need of the house.

Original poster

Mercier1 · 26/01/2022 07:24

So are you saying that whoever stays despite a 50:50 arrangement becomes the primary parent by default?! Fuck I did not know this.

OP posts:

Unknown83 · 26/01/2022 08:01

Well, without a formal child care arrangement there is no court ordered 50/50 split and any arrangement on childcare will be your word against his. If he were to be the one still living in what was the FMH then this might give him a slight edge.

Men are often advised to stay put at least until a child care arrangement has been formally agreed because they are advised of the risk that their exW's could play silly buggers with access if there is a dispute about finances. That and because they are 'rehoused' their needs from the FMH are diminished.

heldinadream · 26/01/2022 08:48

You'll prob get more help if you ask MNHQ to move this to relationships. More traffic there on these issues OP.

FelicityPike · 26/01/2022 09:07

If he doesn’t work and you do, he’ll be classed as a stay at home dad/ parent. He could ultimately get more of the equity on the property too.
Stay in the house for now and get good legal advice.

draramallama · 26/01/2022 09:15

@Mercier1

So are you saying that whoever stays despite a 50:50 arrangement becomes the primary parent by default?! Fuck I did not know this.

Don't take legal advice from random anonymous strangers online. And don't make life decisions based on people spouting off online about how they think a separation should look.

People post a lot of absolute garbage about the law on here based on fantasies of how they think it should be, what they've seen on TV, the anecdote of their aunt's best mate's sister.

Don't make life decisions based on advice here. Get competent legal advice.

Do you have a solicitor? Been to CAB or called Rights of Women for legal advice?

draramallama · 26/01/2022 09:19

I’ve seen it written on here that the person who instigates the separation should be the one to leave. Is this really the case?

It's the opinion of some people who post here. That's it. Which considering there are people who will post on here merrily calling for vigilantism, you should probably not try and live your life in line with random bullshit rules invented by strangers online.

FelicityPike · 26/01/2022 09:21

@FelicityPike

If he doesn’t work and you do, he’ll be classed as a stay at home dad/ parent. He could ultimately get more of the equity on the property too. Stay in the house for now and get good legal advice.

I meant to write he MIGHT be classed as a stay at home dad/ parent. Sorry.

Unknown83 · 26/01/2022 09:28

@draramallama

On the 50/50 thing, I would just add that the OP inferred something from my post that I didn't say. I agree with you, get legal advice from a solicitor.

Original poster

Mercier1 · 26/01/2022 10:59

I sought legal advice in the past but the issue is very much coming to a head and I’m concerned it’s unbearable for the children to live with this so trying to come up with a short term plan if I need to leave, as he claims he won’t.

Sorry @Unknown83 wasn’t meaning to infer I was just panicking.

I don’t know what CAB is

OP posts:

FelicityPike · 26/01/2022 11:03

CAB Citizens Advice Bureau

Enough4me · 26/01/2022 11:10

We don't know your financial background and you should seek advice before making any short or longterm plans that involve leaving the property.

Fernticket · 26/01/2022 12:41

Don't leave. Possession is 9 tenths of the law.

PicaK · 26/01/2022 17:56

Is he entitled to UC?

freeatlast2021 · 26/01/2022 19:25

Every case is different and it is all about how you communicate with your partner. I instigated separation and asked my husband to leave, which he did. Mind you we do not own this property, we rent, so maybe that was easier. Also, our kids (we have three) are grown up, only one is minor although they all live with me, but my ex did not care about childcare. He literally sees them once a week for a few hours.

Original poster

Mercier1 · 27/01/2022 09:12

I don’t think so. I recently put him on payroll so he earns about 880 a month. I did look into benefits a long time ago at CAB and understood we wouldn’t be entitled to any.

OP posts:

Lonecatwithkitten · 27/01/2022 17:10

@Mercier1

I don’t think so. I recently put him on payroll so he earns about 880 a month. I did look into benefits a long time ago at CAB and understood we wouldn’t be entitled to any.

You are going to need specialist advice because of this situation. I had similar fortinee as rely dye my business his role was spouse and he resigned that position.

Original poster

Mercier1 · 27/01/2022 17:57

Yes I am. Thanks 🙏 it’s so fuxking hard!!

OP posts:

Unknown83 · 27/01/2022 21:01

@Mercier1

I don’t think so. I recently put him on payroll so he earns about 880 a month. I did look into benefits a long time ago at CAB and understood we wouldn’t be entitled to any.

Take him off payroll and he'll get about the same in universal credit.

Original poster

Mercier1 · 27/01/2022 22:22

I looked into it before and they said I had too much money plus we can’t get childcare hours for our child unless we both work.

OP posts:

Unknown83 · 27/01/2022 22:38

@Mercier1

I looked into it before and they said I had too much money plus we can’t get childcare hours for our child unless we both work.

I'm not sure how it works but I thought he could claim benefits if you were legally separated but not divorced. Not sure if anyone else can advise?

Original poster

Mercier1 · 27/01/2022 22:52

Nothing legal here yet. Just getting my ducks in a row. Is it normal to have a legal separation before divorce?

OP posts:

Unknown83 · 28/01/2022 10:34

@Mercier1

Nothing legal here yet. Just getting my ducks in a row. Is it normal to have a legal separation before divorce?

I don't know the answer to that one sorry. I suspect every case is different but maybe investigate to see if it would be appropriate in your case?

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread