Divorce 'ignores' children's disabilities?

[52andblue]

After 20 yrs marriage I'm seeing a legal Separation agreement (in Scotland) as a prelude to Divorce.
ExH & I have 2 children (17 & 15). Both have ASD. Both receive high care & mobility DLA / PIP. I am now their Carer. ExH has never 'been involved'. He works f/t in a manual job and has refused to share caring & working opportunities during the marriage. He moved out 6m ago. The kids never stay at his (he 'looked after them' for 6 hours over Xmas when I paid for an activity break). He doesn't do anything to support them, never has.
I have got legal aid but I've been given a trainee lawyer and I'm 5 months in & its very slow (partly lawyer partly exh refusing to obtain pension details as he thinks I dont 'deserve' a share of it).
My Qu is:
The draft Separation suggests Maintenance until kids are 18 (8m for ds, 3yr6m for dd). But they will need support for much longer, maybe for life (see DLA levels). There is no mention of their needs in the Draft. Surely something should be there? It is the reason the Marriage failed (exH lack of support). By the time dd is 18 I will be 58 & it will he difficult to re enter the job market if indeed she is independent enough for me to do that then? (additionally I am also now physically disabled so there's that too)

I don't think that's right:
www.nevesllp.co.uk/our-news/child-maintenance-for-adult-children
Could you try Citizens Advice for help?

It is a very slow process in Scotland, unfortunately.

Your minute of agreement can say whatever you both agree - so you could suggest to your lawyer to re-draft it that maintenance is paid whilst the DC still live at home?

I've heard of people using private agreements rather than going through CMS.

Divorce doesn't ignore disabilities but it does work differently in Scotland. Maintenance is going to be:

Child Maintenance which is UK wide and always ends at age 19; and
Spousal Maintenance for a maximum of 3 years.

What that means for you really depends on how severe the disability is. If you child is capable of work, then you can work when they work; if they are not capable of work then they will get adult disability benefits and you will get a carers allowance which will fund your household.

The ONS shows that 22% adults with ASD are in any kind of employment. They will need financial support for life probably.

I am disabled myself, so between Caring for them (reminding them to get up / sleep at 'normal' hours, to remember to wash, to dress appropriately, to eat healthily, to mix outside, not to dive down special interest routes for weeks at a time) and keeping the house running there is no chance of employment for me. Whilst their Father swans in once a week for a couple of hours and the amount of maintenance I receive is enough to either feed them or pay utility bills but not both (or any 'extras') either. If I sound bitter then I am. 'Adult disability benefits' are not fit for purpose. My older child has just moved from child DLA to PIP. It was a horrible process & that was with the support of CAB & a specialist charity. Lifetime awards no longer exist so everyone has to reapply every 3 years (just in case you have magically 'got better' in that time. Disabled people in the UK have a tough time at best.

The problem here isn’t really the divorce process. It’s the lack of proper support for disabled people and their carers.

And a more specific, you are divorcing an arsehole issue.

It’s sounds really hard.

Op
I totally agree that the adult disability services and PIP process is terrible.
Having said that i think it should be up to state to support adult with disabilities rather than their parents run themselves in to ground trying to support them in the 60's and 70's
Your Ex sounds crap but as you say at his age it is unlikely he will be able to do a manual job for ever and providing maintenance for the rest of his life probably isn't realistic either.
PIP should be higher and easier to access for adults with disabilities' but the burden should not fall on their elderly parents even though I know in many many cases it does.

Instruct your solicitor to take it to family court right now and get this sorted out.

No stubborn exH's with the wife providing all care for disabled children fare well in family court.

The sooner the ball is rolling the better because of the backlog. The intention of taking him to court may persuade him to look again at the situation.

He's a bully and you are vulnerable. Sorry you are going through this. I went through similar many years ago.

It sounds to me like there needs to be a bit more of an even split in caring for the children. There are various reasons why this would be better for you, mostly linked to the tax and benefit systems:

1. You can probably get universal credit as a carer but it will fall pound for pound against any SM you receive;

2. Taxes become proportionately bigger the more you earn. Two people who can each each £12.5k pay almost no tax (national insurance of around £400 each maybe) whereas one person earning £25k pays around £4.5k. That's a difference in income of around £3.7k or £1.85k each, or around £150 each a month. That's one of the reasons trying to get spousal maintenance from a moderate earner has gotten harder; rising costs of housing combined with more and more people being dragged into the 40% tax bracket means there just isn't the money to go around.

3. Looking after disabled adults is hard work which I'm sure I don't need to tell you. Doing it alone - how long do you think you can keep it up, especially as you get older? You're going to need respite and your ex needs to step up.

4. Earning your own money puts you in control, rather than dependent on a payment he might 'forget' to make or cut his hours to avoid.

You need to get good legal advice
But also speak to someone well versed in disabilities and carers and carers for adults Iin Scotland and Scotland care laws.

At 18 they are legally an adult
And neither you nor exh are legally obliged to provide care (in England certainly) , you say to ss you do it...obviously in practice ideally this involves planning and discussions etc.

For example They could move into supported living with care 24 /7 funded by ss and their own adult benefits and you visit them they visit you

This may need to be considered

Speak to adult carer orgs in Scotland

If you and or exh die
Depending on age of dc

Ss children or adults would have to take over if
If no guardian

At the end of the day the children are going to be adults soon. Maintenance is for children. I agree with PP that the issue is that the disability allowance is not fit for purpose but that doesn't mean that your husband has to pay for an adult. He should want to as they are is children but legally they are adults

Ooof, sorry for the rant - & thank you for the kind replies.

Yes i agree that stbex can't support them in a manual job for ever.
the state should support them as adults.
but they are still 14 and 18 atm and he is being difficult.
apparantly I 'have a great time' whilst he 'has to go to work in a job he hates. Actually, I cant walk to the other end of my village on a whim, and am tied to being a Carer 24/7 all year unless he takes them for a few days, last min, to 'help me out' (which has happened twice for 3 days in the last 17 years...) Ugh, I'm ranting again, sorry!

Thank you for the useful comments & suggestions. Lots to consider.

I don't know if there IS a Family Court in Scotland?
I just have a trainee solicitor on my legal aid who has not even included the kids disabilities in the draft Separation Agreement which stunned me as exH refusal to share responsibilities throughout the marriage & now (ie left for 'easier evenings') is the main reason for the Divorce

Why is there no respite for you as a carer?
Other than school
There should be other respite
What transition planning have you had for soon to be 18 ?
What adult services are available?

@embracelife
I don't know how I'd access Respite? I am very rural & kids 17 & 14 now. I've never had a single day I've not been responsible for them as exH has taken them away 3 times ever (2x camping for 3 days, 1x to his sister). All 3 times they rang me frequently as they were hungry/ bored etc. and he was watching TV/ 'out for a walk'. He's rubbish. But respite would have made a big difference to my own health too.

carers.org/carers-assessment/carers-assessment

carers.org/policy-and-strategic-influencing-in-scotland/national-carer-organisations-in-scotland

Find out your rights

Get an assessment
For he near adult ger onto adult services (in England they have 16 to 25 teams)
But some e services are for over 18 only
You have to express that you need help and cannot do it

Thank you @Embracelife
I don't know if I'll be covered by those links as I live in Scotland but I'll have a good look, thank you x

Those are links to Scotland
But search carers assessment Scotland