The realities of divorce with a child

helloyou47 · 2022-01-23T09:21:00+00:00

I've been thinking of separating from my husband for a while as I feel as though we've grown apart and I'm not sure how long I can sustain forcing things. It's also not fair on either of us. Obviously fear is a big factor and I find that the thing I think about the most is "sharing" our son and how that would work. I imagine I'll just feel guilty all the time when I'm not with him and that he'd have to go back and forth, and then I think about birthdays/Christmas etc and it all just gets overwhelming 😔 Can anyone share their experiences? Was it as bad as you imagined? Easier? Harder?

Original poster

helloyou47 · 23/01/2022 09:24

My son is almost 3 so still fairly young and would be adaptable I think/hope but I know it would still have an impact

OP posts:

Arcadia · 23/01/2022 09:27

Our best friends divorced a few years ago, their Ds was around 8 at the time. He's actually happier now than when they were together. They're amicable, and they've got him a dog which goes between the homes with him.
Staying amicable is key I think. I'm a family lawyer, so I also see the other side of things and would recommend mediation.
I have another friend who seems so much happier since her separation. Again it was amicable (not initially though).
Do you think your P would be amicable? It doesn't mean best friends, just working together for the benefit of the child/children.

bettertocryinamercedes · 23/01/2022 09:29

Mine adapted really well. They were 7 and 10 at the time.

They loved having two birthdays, two christmasses, two bedrooms and all that went with spending time with both sides of the family.

But their dad wasn't around an awful lot when they were growing up, he was always at work. So now when they see him, it's actual quality time together rather than him watching tv in the same room as them.

He got a shock when I told him what I wanted but I couldn't live a half life any longer.

I also get a bit of me time now which is nice - he doesn't really have them more than once or twice a month and it's nice to have a lie in, go out for a meal or see friends etc.

I am married again now to an amazing husband who is everything my first wasn't. The dc adore him - it's worked out perfectly. Exh has a new partner too and gets all the time in the world to work and sleep 😉

Original poster

helloyou47 · 23/01/2022 09:32

@Arcadia

Our best friends divorced a few years ago, their Ds was around 8 at the time. He's actually happier now than when they were together. They're amicable, and they've got him a dog which goes between the homes with him. Staying amicable is key I think. I'm a family lawyer, so I also see the other side of things and would recommend mediation. I have another friend who seems so much happier since her separation. Again it was amicable (not initially though). Do you think your P would be amicable? It doesn't mean best friends, just working together for the benefit of the child/children.

I'd really hope we could be amicable, that's what I would want. He doesn't want to separate so I think initially at least there'd be a lot of hurt and maybe some resentment on his side but I think in time he would be able to move past that. We've been together for 15 years so in my opinion it would be so sad for it to end bitterly. I do sometimes wonder if my son would be happier if we were apart. I do think sometimes he picks up on the tensions (we don't argue but it seems as though one of us is always down at any one time so he's not really experiencing a true happy loving family environment).

OP posts:

GrandmasCat · 23/01/2022 09:35

It is not divorce that harms children, it is witnessing all the arguments and discussions that happens before or after you split.

If you both manage to put your children first they will be ok or even better than when you were married, if you are fighting like cats and dogs, they won’t be, even if you stay married.

I would strongly suggest to read this book even before you tell your husband you want to split, as it is full of good ideas and strategies on how to be able to parent your children together as a separate couple: www.amazon.co.uk/Guide-Separated-Parents-Children-2009-09-03/dp/B017LCA342/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=OKS7Q7I2QDZ9&keywords=putting+children+first+karen&sprefix=puuting+children+first+karen%2Caps%2C60&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1642930418&sr=8-1

Original poster

helloyou47 · 23/01/2022 09:36

@bettertocryinamercedes

Mine adapted really well. They were 7 and 10 at the time.

They loved having two birthdays, two christmasses, two bedrooms and all that went with spending time with both sides of the family.

But their dad wasn't around an awful lot when they were growing up, he was always at work. So now when they see him, it's actual quality time together rather than him watching tv in the same room as them.

He got a shock when I told him what I wanted but I couldn't live a half life any longer.

I also get a bit of me time now which is nice - he doesn't really have them more than once or twice a month and it's nice to have a lie in, go out for a meal or see friends etc.

I am married again now to an amazing husband who is everything my first wasn't. The dc adore him - it's worked out perfectly. Exh has a new partner too and gets all the time in the world to work and sleep 😉

Ah that's so nice to hear!

When you say you were living a half life, what do you mean? You were missing something?
My husband works a lot too. Every other weekend he only really spends time with our son 1 day and a few hours on the other because he works so sometimes when it gets to a weekend when he's here I feel like I need a break! 😅 so the time to myself would be lovely although I know I'd feel guilty.
It's so good to hear that it can work out well and people can come out the other side so much happier!

OP posts:

Original poster

helloyou47 · 23/01/2022 09:37

[quote GrandmasCat]It is not divorce that harms children, it is witnessing all the arguments and discussions that happens before or after you split.

If you both manage to put your children first they will be ok or even better than when you were married, if you are fighting like cats and dogs, they won’t be, even if you stay married.

I would strongly suggest to read this book even before you tell your husband you want to split, as it is full of good ideas and strategies on how to be able to parent your children together as a separate couple: www.amazon.co.uk/Guide-Separated-Parents-Children-2009-09-03/dp/B017LCA342/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=OKS7Q7I2QDZ9&keywords=putting+children+first+karen&sprefix=puuting+children+first+karen%2Caps%2C60&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1642930418&sr=8-1[/quote]
Thank you! I'll have a look at that

OP posts:

MorningNinja · 23/01/2022 09:45

If there is an ideal age, 3 is about it. Mine were 7 and 5 and at times took the separation hard because they had questions.

As pp have said, it's not so much the age, it's the parents. My ex was just completely awful as soon as I started to pick myself up and get on my feet.

If your DC is just 3 and you feel like this, please don't spend the next 15 years doing so too because it'll ruin your soul.

Good luck OP.

Original poster

helloyou47 · 23/01/2022 09:55

@MorningNinja

If there is an ideal age, 3 is about it. Mine were 7 and 5 and at times took the separation hard because they had questions.

As pp have said, it's not so much the age, it's the parents. My ex was just completely awful as soon as I started to pick myself up and get on my feet.

If your DC is just 3 and you feel like this, please don't spend the next 15 years doing so too because it'll ruin your soul.

Good luck OP.

Thank you - it really does feel like now or never!
We're both loving parents and I know we'd want the best for him. I think I'd feel sad that I've taken something away from my husband, because my son would likely end up living with me for most of the time. But then he'd have quality time with him too which in a way would be more special so I guess it depends how you look at it

OP posts:

SurvivingOnCoffee · 23/01/2022 10:08

Mine were 4, 10 and 12. The 10 year old took it the hardest, but now she says she knows it was the best thing for everyone and she's much happier seeing me happy. We have 50/50 custody and it took a while to adjust, and being a single mum is mightily hard work, so now I really appreciate some down time when they're with their dad. The key is to keep busy, I'm doing a degree, which is something I would never have been able to do when I was married. Going out with friends, exercise classes, the world is literally your oyster.

Strongerthanyouthink · 23/01/2022 14:58

Mine were 10 and 13. I had wanted to leave for years. I don't think there are many people that are glad they left it late, most people seem to wish they had done it sooner! Mine hasn't been amicable, but we are a happier household by far. Also, don't underestimate how long the process is. Your child could be a good year/years older by the time one of you moves out etc.... some people on here have had to live together for ages whilst sorting out the divorce. X

Original poster

helloyou47 · 23/01/2022 20:29

@SurvivingOnCoffee

Mine were 4, 10 and 12. The 10 year old took it the hardest, but now she says she knows it was the best thing for everyone and she's much happier seeing me happy. We have 50/50 custody and it took a while to adjust, and being a single mum is mightily hard work, so now I really appreciate some down time when they're with their dad. The key is to keep busy, I'm doing a degree, which is something I would never have been able to do when I was married. Going out with friends, exercise classes, the world is literally your oyster.

That sounds quite exciting! I feel like I'm half terrified and half excited about the idea of having some freedom (to an extent).

Wow I can imagine that must have been hard on your own with 3 kids. 1 is hard enough! 😅

OP posts:

Original poster

helloyou47 · 23/01/2022 20:31

@Strongerthanyouthink

Mine were 10 and 13. I had wanted to leave for years. I don't think there are many people that are glad they left it late, most people seem to wish they had done it sooner! Mine hasn't been amicable, but we are a happier household by far. Also, don't underestimate how long the process is. Your child could be a good year/years older by the time one of you moves out etc.... some people on here have had to live together for ages whilst sorting out the divorce. X

Yeah that's a good point. It would be a long time until I'd be able to settle into my new "normal"

OP posts:

bettertocryinamercedes · 27/01/2022 10:46

A half life? Well I was a married yet single parent!

I did everything by myself and spent all my time just me and the kids. He was either at work or didn't want to come with us / join in anything we did.

So yes something was definitely missing - the other half of the marriage!

There was no real connection left either and I definitely didn't want to sleep with him.

sweetpeaaa · 27/01/2022 13:50

@bettertocryinamercedes

A half life? Well I was a married yet single parent!

I did everything by myself and spent all my time just me and the kids. He was either at work or didn't want to come with us / join in anything we did.

So yes something was definitely missing - the other half of the marriage!

There was no real connection left either and I definitely didn't want to sleep with him.

That's a bit like my situation too. He works a lot and I think I was naive before having a child about how much I'd be doing on my own. It's not like he doesn't want to do things together, he does but atm I'm the one who doesn't 😕 I don't feel that connection really

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/01/2022 13:55

I was 13 which is considered a very crap age for parents to divorce. I was more relieved than I can begin to tell you. There were shit bits but nothing compared with the awful atmosphere we’d had in the house. Mum and dad never argued but we were very aware of the mutual grinding resentment. Children know far more than we think they do, no matter how hard we try.

Our workaholic dad finally had to take some weekends off and we finally got to know him.

They’re great friends these days, they were bad at being married to each other.

GrandmasCat · 27/01/2022 23:39

@bettertocryinamercedes

A half life? Well I was a married yet single parent!

I did everything by myself and spent all my time just me and the kids. He was either at work or didn't want to come with us / join in anything we did.

So yes something was definitely missing - the other half of the marriage!

There was no real connection left either and I definitely didn't want to sleep with him.

That was pretty much the last years of my marriage. After spending literally years wondering if I could possibly cope as a single parent, I found myself, 10 days after he moved out, sitting on the sofa at 8pm, with a child asleep in bed, an immaculate house, a fridge with enough batch cooked food not to cook for a week, totally relaxed after a full day at work, yet in shock at the long forgotten feeling that nobody needed me to do any work for them for the rest of the night, and at the realisation that I had been doing everything on my very own for years on end.