Any regrets?

[betterno1]

Hi

Married 12 years together 21 years I've been unhappy for the past 4 years and had a niggling feeling things just aren't right. Tried to work on things over the years all instigated by me including marriage counselling a few years ago but still things aren't great very distant, no intimacy or connection etc. Husband fails to address things unless I bring them up and head in the sand about our relationship.

I'm am really in this ambivalent stage where I'm doubting my feelings however it's been going on so long I know deep down I'm not happy but can't face the destruction it will cause to the children family life etc.

Just wondered if those that have pulled the trigger did you feel a sense of relief eventually? Do you know you did the right thing and do you have any regrets? The thing is I know I can't try any harder, all has been said and done and I have no more to give.

I would love to hear your experiences, thanks for reading xx

Hi there, no real advice but I can offer my situation?
I had been in an unaffectionate/non intimate/non supportive relationship for years. We were together 15 years, I'm not exactly how we faded into these habits, none the less we did.

I tried many times to make family life happy. I shouldered responsibility for everything, bills/kids/house/socialising. I hoped that he would appreciate it, and making life stress-less for him, would somehow make him want to make an effort.

I never expected him to leave, he had a very easy and comfortable life with me.

He did leave, announced it in November and packed up and walked away early December.

I am a huge believer in the family unit and for my children I was devastated.

The way I can explain it if I am wearing my 'cleanbreak2022 the person hat' I'm absolutely fine and I realise now the love was gone for a long time. I was holding on for my family.

The mother in me, is still heart broken, but hearts heal, in time.

I don't regret the separation, I regret the investment. There was a time when I would have worked at it.
Honestly, every day is better and easier. If you are not happy, there's only one way to go, and unless two people are completely invested in making it work, you will shoulder to burden and just delay the inevitable.

Married 15 years, together 23 years. I thought about leaving lots, but with 3 kids it was a difficult decision. I took the plunge 2 years ago after his controlling behaviour and financial abuse became too much to bear.......and I haven't looked back since! Much happier, in my own home, make my own decisions and spend my own money. I still have to co-parent with him which is like bashing my head against a brick wall, but I can ignore a text and generally he doesn't register in my day to day life anymore.

It's a big decision OP, and one that only you can make, but for me leaving was the best thing I ever did

Following

Not sure how helpful my experience is as it was my first marriage and before kids but we'd been married 7 years, I'd been desperately unhappy for the last four. I really believed marriage was for life. I tried absolutely everything... I kept telling myself that I didn't want to look back and feel that I could have/should have tried harder. In the end I just knew with a certainty one morning that it was over (a very small thing happened and it was the very last straw). In hindsight I should have left years earlier.

What I can say is that I felt a lot of relief. Fear too. Loneliness often. But honestly I never looked back. Never regretted it even for a second. I was much happier on my own and it was a lot less work emotionally and mentally and physically even (no one to constantly pick up after!). It took another 5 years before I met my current husband. We've been together nearly 10 years with 2 DC.

I regret but separating sooner. I simply couldn’t face being a single parent and I doubted he would take any interest in our sons if they were out of sight. About to initiate proceedings beginning of 2020 and covid struck, Two years later have started the process and feeling such a relief. He is being an arse about money obviously but feel in such a better place.
Female friends are the key. Have wonderful friends and new life starts here.

Was married 21 years not particularly happy but not miserable either. Found out he was cheating on me so divorced him and sorted out finances after, which is unusual. Been married to second DH 16 years and very very happy together. I wish I had divorced first husband sooner.

I’m separated over a year and I regret loads. I don’t think I’m happier now but that could be adjusting to not having someone to share stuff with. He wasn’t awful I just didn’t love him the same way. Since we separated he has done all the things I wanted him to when we were together like get healthy. I don’t want him back as the right type of love isn’t there but it’s not easy at all.

Married 17 years, together 24. He fell in love with someone else and broke my heart. But, I have such freedom now, to make choices and steer my life. Being a single mum with 100% custody is hard sometimes, financially it’s hard sometimes.

But I see now how much I compromised and folded myself up and kept the peace around him. I was so used to being unhappy that I had no idea there was another way.

My children are affected. Of course they are. But they’re okay, they’re getting through it, good days and bad.

I don’t regret a thing. Every day I wake up and I just get to be me is a gift.

I pulled the plug on my marriage in late 2019, at the time I didn’t really have a plan I just knew that I was slowly loosing myself. I had therapy and slowly realised how controlling and bullying his behaviour was and my feeling was of huge relief that I was no longer wading through life with the weight of his shit on my back.
I now have my own house and two very happy boys, I spend my own money on what I like and have dinner dates with female friends. I’m happy for the first time in 13 years, sometimes I am lonely but I’m always happy.

@Wailywailywaily I could have written this response myself. I have been married twenty five years, not happy for over a decade, have three kids together all but one are adults and still living with me. In the beginning of 2020 I started counseling after another stupid argument we had and promised myself that that would be the year of change. After only few months of counseling things got so clear for me, what was happening to me and what I wanted but because of Covid I postponed it. One year later, could not take it any longer; life was getting harder and harder but my feelings were getting stronger. I told him I wanted to separate last year in April and he moved out in August.

I can tell you it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It hurt like hell, literally hurt, in the pit of my stomach. I felt enormous guilt, not necessarily for doing it but for doing it at that particular time as we were all going through so much, especially my ex. That period between me saying it out loud and him moving out was extremely hard and a few weeks after he moved out, while we were still in contact, but then it started getting better. This is what I wrote in one of my posts:

Six months later, I already feel like a brand new person. So calm, so content, so happy to be alive. I cannot wait to go to bed at night, bundle up in my cozy sheets, to wake up in the morning and have coffee in peace, plan my day. I do what I want, when I want it, nobody there to criticize and belittle me and tell me what to do or not to. Cook and clean and do whatever I want for my kids without him sulking and making comments about it. Coming home is the most wonderful affair now, my quiet, cozy home, where my kids live, my dog, where I am at peace and happy. While there are some bad days, some mornings when I wake up feeling anxious and sad, all in all I feel much better. Life is beautiful again, it really is. Every little bit of it. The most common of days, when I do nothing at all, knit, watch Netflix, meditate, is the most glorious indeed.

Most importantly, no, I never once regretted it. I only wish I did it sooner.

I posted this earlier in Relationships:

I am some way ahead of you but your post rings very true. I am married to a man who drinks excessively, disengaged from our relationship or our DD. Things haven’t been easy on and off for a long time. Lots of comments about how I’m too critical, I found myself not raising things because I feared his criticism (ironic, I know!). He said some hurtful things about me a few months ago and something snapped. I suddenly realised that these things weren’t true! This was his narrative he told himself to justify his behaviour towards me. I’m a nice person!!! I did a few things. I did The Freedom Programme online. I read Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. I had some individual counselling where I started to remember who I am (rather than who he’s been telling me I am). In December, I made an appointment with a solicitor, not sure if I was even going to keep it. Then Christmas was rubbish (no trouble as such but he was withdrawn, did very little to help. Christmas Eve he was hammered by 6pm). New Year was awful (he creates trouble and sparked a row). So I decided to end it.
In advance of the conversation I had said we needed to make time to talk about our relationship. I also did sums on how much maintenance he would be expected to give, how much the bills would be without him (food bills right down because I hardly drink). Started looking at whether I could keep the house. Then I said I wanted to separate in a calm conversation where we were both sober. He agreed, then said he wanted to make it work…but like you he had somewhere he could go short term, so he left after a couple of days when we could tell DD.
I’ve started telling people. They are very sympathetic but honestly, I’m happier than I’ve been in years. The house stays tidier, I’m eating well. I’m exercising. He’s seeing DD regularly and actually engaging when he has her. I cannot see him coming home to play happy families.
So yes, I’d suggest - Freedom Programme first, Why does he do that? Maybe some individual counselling. Solicitor appointment. Mortgage advice if you own your home jointly. I have no regrets. I don’t wish I’d done it sooner either. I did it when I was truly ready and prepared for life as a single parent. Still need to sort the finances out which will be trickier and I won’t have much spare cash, but if that’s what it costs to feel free, I’ll take it!

Thankyou all so much for your replies, I have been reading them but have been in nightshift madness over the weekend!!

@cleanbreak2022 I'm glad to hear you are coming through the other side and although it wasn't your decision in the end you are at peace with separating and each day is getting better ❤️‍🩹 Like you say the investment is so important it needs to be 100% equal from both sides I've spent years bringing things up trying to improve our relationship the funny thing is he thinks he's really tried too 🙈🤷‍♀️ since when was ignoring everything and hoping it will go away giving 100%!!

@survivingongin good for you so very glad to hear it must feel quite amazing 🤩

'What I can say is that I felt a lot of relief. Fear too. Loneliness often. But honestly I never looked back. Never regretted it even for a second. I was much happier on my own and it was a lot less work emotionally and mentally and physically even (no one to constantly pick up after!).'@Whisky4mum glad the positive feelings took over the negative and you never regretted it, same as you it's getting to the point where it's consuming so much of me every single day it's all I think about, that is hard work and so draining.

@JangolinaPitt well done for making that decision and making huge improvements glad to hear you are in such a better place and enjoying your new found freedom with girlfriends 💕

@caringcarer @JasperTheHungry @Wailywailywaily @freeatlast2021 @WormHasTurned so inspiring to read that you are all so much happier and all you regret not doing it sooner, looking back in hindsight is an amazing thing just really digging deep now for this belief that all will be ok in the end just it has for you guys 💕

@Sid077 you've totally got this the fact you don't want him back says it all despite how hard it is, typical he has now changed and put effort into himself but sounds like you are still better off than fighting for something that was never going to be right for you xx