I am totally and utterly stuck in my head

[Notmyyearthisyear]

Has anyone else felt just unable to make a decision?
Very long marriage, young kids, history of abuse and mental health issues… finally went ahead with divorce after almost a year separated and now he is being super nice…. And I question myself every day every hour am I doing the right thing.. I can’t share too much here but does anyone feel completely unable to think clearly and reach a decision?

That's what abuse does to you and his reaction is part of the cycle of abuse.

What support are you receiving?

I’ve had all sorts but haven’t found it that useful. I know it sounds crap when you say ‘it’s different’ but perhaps it is, because I just don’t know what else would need to happen for me to finally start thinking properly. I do when he treats me shit, I’m super switched on, resourceful, assertive., then he moves on to ‘I want to be friends’ and all my defences crumble and my brain goes to mush.,,

You are describing the cycle of abuse there though and exactly why it's effective - because as soon it moves into the 'nice' part of the cycle your resolve crumbles and you stay trapped. That is precisely how it is for everyone.

It takes time to heal from abuse and you can't start that while it is still happening to you. Part of that is protective - trauma puts your brain into a threat/survival state where emotions and memory processing are suspended in order to prioritise surviving. Only once the trauma has ended can your brain begin processing and do all that catching up, which takes times. It's not instant.

It is normal to feel foggy and confused about it all for a while after an abusive relationship ends, and it sounds like you perhaps have not had a clean break but have remained enmeshed? That would also delay and complicate things.

The only way you stop feeling this way and stop feeling foggy about it is to very firmly break free of the cycle. Don't engage with him anymore (why are you engaging with him to be subjected to this behaviour? You're not really helping yourself there).

Focus on building your life without him and your recovery. Be patient. Recognise that it is the right decision. Decide for yourself whether you want your future to be different or whether you want to spend a lifetime in this abusive cycle.

Recovering from anything major takes time. If you had a major physical injury you'd expect the recovery to be measured in months and years not minutes and weeks. This is the same.

I get it. But in this part of the cycle I don’t feel it.
So I guess you can say I don’t get it. I’m not even sure I’m making any sense.
Stuck. Stuck. Stuck. Unable to make a decision. We don’t live together any more. I’ve started divorce proceedings. And now I’m frozen again. Unable to think.

Sounds familiar to me.
It is very difficult when the person you know is manipulative keeps trying to sway your mind.
What do your family think of him?

My family don't live in this country and don't even share the same language so their opinion is limited but based on what they know they are saying go ahead with the divorce.

Just keep reminding yourself that this person is abusive and is just trying a new way to manipulate you. Your DPs are right, despite the language barrier and they almost certainly have your best interests at heart. They don't need to share a language with your abuser to see the ways in which this relationship has affected you, their DD. Continue with the divorce and disengage from your ex. If he's abused you for years he's not going to suddenly undergo a personality change because you're divorcing him. Do the Freedom Programme and don't agree to be friends. You need to co-parent effectively in future, that is all. Civility between you is helpful, but you don't want him as a friend. He abused you. Don't forget that!

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

What makes you 'unable to think'
Do you know?
Is he confusing you ,or some other reason?

This person is abusive. Do not crumble. You owe him nothing. You can be happy without him. You have done the hard part, don't put yourself back in the shit situation.

Repeat to yourself whenever you feel stuck.

Just wondering what OP did in the end?