Told DCs, he's still here, making no plans, what now?!

[Sleepforaweekotwo]

I feel exhausted. I just want to sleep. I'm definitely becoming depressed with this now.
I told him that we needed to separate after Christmas months ago, he said he would move out after Christmas until the house is sold. All seemed amicable. I've been unhappy for a very long time, which he knows about. I'm so down about this now... it's like trying to move a heavy boulder out of my life.
He upset me further over Christmas with some selfish behaviours so I spoke to him afterwards. Spoke about telling the DCs. He said he was moving in with his parents who have a large home not far away where he could stay temporarily as I have no family close by. He would be fine to see the DCs there regularly before we split the money from the sale of the house and buy our own properties.
Nothing happened.
I therefore took it upon myself to tell the DCs that we are separating and that he is moving out, that we are still friends but needed to live in separate houses. They took it all really well. DP (not married) was shocked that I'd told them for some reason.
Then we all caught covid and we've been stuck at home together. DP and I both working from home whilst we have both DCs with us. He's behaving like all is normal. I feel like he'll never leave. I can't even apply for a divorce to make him realise I'm serious as we're not married. I'm so tired for striving for this separation whilst working and running a home, I don't know what to do next.
We have no relationship whatsoever and live separate lives. He appears to be content with this. It's loveless, mundane, boring, cold. I hate it.
Telling the DCs was a huge deal. I feel I've dealt my final card.
But he's still here.
I have no covid symptoms despite testing positive but just feel depressed and want to sleep it all away. I feel like I'm trapped here.
What now?

Does his parents know? Maybe tell them and drop into conversation about him moving in with them.

Hes got his head in the sand, do nothing and it'll all go away.
Get yourself well then put the house up for sale, or at least get it valued so he knows your serious.
Whats your home life like ie are you still shopping, cooking etc etc for you both?
If so stop doing that, make him be independent.
Good luck OP its awful trying to move on when one of you doesn't want to

His parents are just as delusional.
I mentioned to them not long ago and they just didn't respond. They're now asking us when we're available to go on a short break with them. His sister bought us an overnight stay for Christmas and arranged childcare.
Nobody is listening.

Who owns / rents the property?

If rented then you can tell him you will contact the landlord to get the tenancy put in your sole name (assuming a joint tenancy)

If owned then you can tell him you will inform the mortgage lender of your split and seek advice on options (assuming jointly owned)

In other words demonstrate to him that you will take real and practical steps to bring your Co-habitation to an end

Have a look at Citizensadvice.org.uk - section on how to separate

Even when you separate you will need to co-parent. You'll need to have a mechanism to discuss things and action stuff. You'll both have new roles to play in some ways.
Currently you seem to be saying to him what should happen but then leaving it to him to action it.
Plus you want this and he doesn't so some of the impetus is on you here
Ring 3 estate agents and get valuations. Agree a meeting time with him when you'll pick which one to go with.
Or check his availability make appointment with the letting agent/landlord to check how to end tennancy/what options are. He needs to hear it too.
He doesn't have to move out and you can't force him too.
Book mediation or a counsellor so you can talk about how you see contact going in the next year/3years/5years etc.
Draft a parenting plan. Give it to him to review as a starting point.
You need to be proactive.

I've been in exactly this situation and it drove me to despair too. I couldn't transfer the house as I couldn't get a mortgage on my own. I had older kids of my own as well as younger ones that we shared. In the end I went to mediation, to talk about how we would arrange the kids and money after separation. We went for a few sessions and I talked about dates for moving out etc. It took a bit of time and a bad atmosphere but by talking with the mediator I felt less alone. I'm 10 years on now and we get on well, but it was so so difficult at the time.

Why does he need to move out
He’s ‘losing’ his marriage, home and living with his children
Sorry to sound harsh but why should he ?

You need a plan to progress though
Start the divorce proceedings
Start mediation
Then start to talk about interim arrangements while you both figure out the long term end state

Sorry I agree with millymolls

Usually it’s the one who wants to split who leaves

Unless it’s solely your house (doesn’t sound like it)

Put the house on the market

Conversations have already been had. This is what we agreed. He agreed. His idea. That he would move out whilst we sold the house and split everything 50/50.

I've suggested putting the house on the market now and then both going out own ways equally, he said no. He would move out first.

I made an appointment for estate agents to come and value the property. He hit the roof. Cancelled them and said he had work to do on the house before its valued. He still hasn't done any of the work.

We're not married as clearly expressed upthread so no, I can't start divorce proceedings.

Book a solicitor and get legal advice op

Missed that you’re not married sorry
But point still stands re short term/ interim arrangements vsp long term outcome

I get that you want him to go, but many couples have to do habit for a period ( often a long while!) while separating and agreeing housing and child arrangements

Conversations have already been had. This is what we agreed. He agreed. His idea. That he would move out whilst we sold the house and split everything 50/50

Looks like he’s changed his mind and doesn’t like the idea of moving out

You will need to give him a clear deadline to get the worm done then. State that you will call an estate agent on X date and he will need to be ready to list by then.

Work, not worm

It's pointless calling the estate agent round if he doesn't give you permission to sell. That's just a waste of time.

OP I don't think he's going to leave until a court tells him to. I wouldn't.

Would he be able to buy you out, if he wants to stay?

I'm having a very similar issue. The difference is that he is the one that wants to split. He has told me he doesn't want to try again with our relationship, but now he is saying he's not ready to tell the children and move out because he doesn't want to lose them. He just wants me not to mention it while he sorts his shit out. He's acting like nothing has happened while I am in bits and stuck in limbo. No helpful suggestions I'm afraid, but watching with interest in case someone else has

@VanCleefArpels

Who owns / rents the property?

If rented then you can tell him you will contact the landlord to get the tenancy put in your sole name (assuming a joint tenancy)

If owned then you can tell him you will inform the mortgage lender of your split and seek advice on options (assuming jointly owned)

In other words demonstrate to him that you will take real and practical steps to bring your Co-habitation to an end

Have a look at Citizensadvice.org.uk - section on how to separate

I don't think this can be legally correct that one either tenant or joint owner can arrange to have the other taken off the tenancy, can you imagine the opportunity for abuse!

@MichelleScarn

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/if-you-were-living-together/what-happens-to-your-home-when-you-separate

There are ways to do this with or without agreement from joint owner / tenant

But my point was if OP starts this conversation with her partner then it might shake him out of his apparent complacency. She will be starting the ball rolling and being proactive rather than waiting for him to make a move

OP I suggest you talk to a solicitor. They are the only ones who can give you a proper advise as to what you can and cannot do, also what you should be doing. One thing is for sure, do not wait for him. I notice this happening a lot that men ignore the issue and pretend all is well. I am not really sure why they do it and what this means for them, but if you want to proceed with the separation you have to take matters in your own hands. Please start with solicitor, even if it is only 30 min of free consultation, I guarantee you it will be very helpful.

Same here. During the first lockdown I told him that the marriage is over. He took a week to pack his suitcase. Hoping I would change my mind. He eventually moved out. But after a few months he came back. As he had to move out of where he was staying. He knows the marriage is over. But he's burying his head in the sand. He just doesn't want to go. It's very selfish of him. He's arguing with me in front of the kids. His parents have a large house so I wish he would just go and live with them!!

@Millshake01

Why did you let him come back after a few months?
Why didn’t you tell him to go and live with his parents instead?

@PurpleMauve because where he moved to was only temporary whilst he looked for somewhere to live. He didn't look for a permanent place. It wasn't fair on the person he was staying with. And I got coerced into giving the marriage one last shot. Trying to re build the marriage he booked a holiday for us. Whilst on holiday I knew for sure that it was definitely over. I've told him again that the marriage is over and he needs to move out. The 1st place he moved into, they don't want him back there. He won't move into his parents. He's a very stubborn man. So here we are. Barely talking and when we do it's arguments. It's just an awful situation.

OP

I can only go by what you say in your post. But if I was in your ex’s shoes I would be more than a little upset by some of the things you have done. Like taking it upon yourself to tell the children or bring in an estate agent. That’s overreaching in my book. As is the expectation that both of you have that his parents are responsible for bailing you both out of this situation. It is not their circus.

It is your decision to leave him. He cannot stop you doing that. But you need to recognise that this is a difficult time for him and that you are the one who will have to make this happen. Just like Millymolls has pointed out. By overreaching you have gotten a reaction and it’s a defensive one that has caused him to dig in. I think a lot of people would do the same.

He doesn’t have to leave the home and indeed would be advised not to because of the potential financial risks.

You want this so you need to be one willing to put up with the consequences not expect him to do it for you especially after such high handed actions.

I’d recommend eating humble pie and apologising. Try to get back to situation of being amicable and try to show you understand it is a hard time for him as this is what you want not what he wants.

I'd like to add that my ex wife told kids unilaterally about our divorce. I only found out from my child who said that I would be out of the family home by the summer, according to his mother.

Because of this he started to dread the summer holiday, in almost traumatic way. It pains me to just think about his anxiety and worry. Not only that, her solicitor screwed up paperwork so I ended up moving out well after the summer. This just confused my child even more.

I think it's a despicable thing that you did op.