Hi
This is my first post. I'm looking for some genuine advice.
My ex H and I divorced in August 2021. Our split was amicable. We got on. There was no major drama.
We have three DCs - 11, 9 and 5. Prior to splitting (which happened in February 2021) we had a written agreement as to how we'd co-parent the kids. They are honestly the centre of our universe and we're both good parents. We had been married for 16 years.
The initial months after the split (from February until August) were absolutely fine. We co-parented well. We'd share information about the kids, share photos and - as per our written agreement - we'd spent time together when necessary (think school events, school bonfire night etc). My ex H would be welcome in my home, and I in his. We did the kids birthdays together etc. No problems.
My ex H started dating someone new in August. This too wasn't an issue as he and I had been out of love for one another for over three years! I started seeing someone in September.
From the time my ex H started seeing his new gf, things dramatically changed. He stopped replying to my messages (which are always mundane and child related), he wouldn't be in the same room as me (so would attend school events separately, would no longer allow me in his house at pick up [I had to wait outside], he refused to send any pics of the kids and so on. Initially I thought "ok, stuff changes" and I accepted that his new partner would want boundaries. So I tried to work with his new approach.
Fast forward to Christmas time. The ex H has now completely withdrawn from co-parenting with me. Any issues that arise, are apparently issues for him and his new partner to address with the kids. My messages are all left unread and not responded to. Things came to a head when I got covid at Christmas. I had to isolate with the girls. They became quite desperate and I asked my ex H if he could visit on 27th (stand on the drive and chat) and he refused and indicated that all my messages are "full of shit". I don't know what this means! My eldest had imploded and was super upset.
My new partner is the complete opposite. He's a massive supporter of being on good terms with my ex and encourages a sensible workable dynamic. He's a very secure person.
I assumed for a while that the issue was my ex H. However, last night my ex H FaceTimed the kids. His gf was in the background. My youngest had been to the docs about some dubious spots and I was updating my ex H. Well the gf (not knowing she could be heard) went absolutely mental. "What the fuck has that woman done that for, why would that woman terrify a child like that, change the subject and limit the damage this woman is doing". It was so utterly bizarre! My ex H muted the call and it was clear they were having a huge row.
I was totally taken aback. It had never ever occurred to me that his gf would feel such a strong sentiment against me (how thick am I!) She was so vile and full of vitriol and it's really hurt me (so pathetic I know). I been really supportive of enveloping her in the girls' lives and (for example) on the day she met the kids, I sent a message to the ex H saying I hope it goes well. I've just been completely and utterly flawed that she despises me in this way - I just assumed she'd have no feelings towards me whatsoever.
So it's clear to me now that the ex H has been under enormous pressure. So what do I do? How can I make her feel more secure? I'm so stupid as I actually thought we could all be friends one day, especially as my partner is so supportive of good parental collaboration. I'm totally at a loss to understand the level of venom she seems to feel against me.
Help? What are your experiences? Have you been the new gf in this situation? What would make her feel this way? How do I make it better.
It's really affecting my mental health. X