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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Looking for hope coping with 50/50 custody

15 replies

LilyGoLightly · 18/01/2022 12:00

I’m in the process of divorcing my husband who has been emotionally abusive.
The thing that was got to me today is about custody of my children, which I think is going to end up 50/50. It breaks my heart that I won’t seem them everyday any more.
I just wish it could have been different. I tried so hard to save my marriage and put up with a lot. If he had just tried a bit, instead of blaming me for everything, then we would have been ok, and it would have been so much better for the children.
But he couldn’t. He was abusive. And now he’s going to have the children half the time.
I know that may be best for the children.
But I feel broken by it. I love them so much.
Is there anything I can do to feel better?

OP posts:

Bobsmyaunty · 18/01/2022 12:31

LilyGoLightly,

I really feel your pain. I am in Week One of sharing custody following divorce. Wow, it's hard. I've been the primary caregiver since they were tiny and to not be with them every day .... takes my breath away. It's as if my whole body senses their absence and is completely discombublated by it. Something is wrong on a cellular level.

I would also say that the time away from them is also proving to be okay (although I'm only week one). I felt restricted and trapped in my marriage, as if I didn't have full access to Life or my Life's potential, unlike my husband. Now, the thought occurs that I do have access ... that I can pursue my interests, career and write books (which I like to do) AS WELL as being a mother.

I would like them with me all the time, but I have friends in that situation and that set up is HARD in so many ways.

I think it's okay to feel broken by it, in a way I feel as if my old way of mothering has been broken and I am having to start again. My ways of coping are:

being kind to myself in the form of tea, blankets, books - mothering myself essentially.
crying - let it all out, howl if you want to
know that you tried, and that you are a blueprint for your children, so you are paving a path for them that doesn't end in an abusive marriage
meet friends, all the friends,
walk in nature
I meet with a counsellor weekly, but I know that's expensive

Sending love.

Sweetie1980 · 18/01/2022 14:37

I am also massively struggling with this , my ex has never been hands on and I am use to getting up with the children everyday and putting them to bed every night , it’s heartbreaking and the worse thing about divorce

Bobsmyaunty · 18/01/2022 14:40

I agree it's the worst thing about divorce.

Herbyhippo · 18/01/2022 14:41

Do you think he is using this because it is your weak point?

If he turned up to collect the children and you were ready for a night out on the town with friends would his attitude change?

Original poster

LilyGoLightly · 18/01/2022 16:14

@Herbyhippo

Do you think he is using this because it is your weak point?

If he turned up to collect the children and you were ready for a night out on the town with friends would his attitude change?

I don't think he's using it particularly, though I do think in due course it will end up with me having them more because he'll be busy with work (same reasons he rarely wanted to spend time as a family) but we'll have to see.

OP posts:

jackiebenimble · 18/01/2022 16:21

It does get easier. You learn to use the time
Wisely and i think because i get
More downtime then an average parent that i am a better more present and patient parent when my children are here. And we have
More quality time as i do my food shopping and housework etc when they are not here.

I am also in a place career wise that I wouldn't have been able to get to had i stayed married and continued to shoulder the entire burden it family life.

The kids are also fine and really well adjusted.

RedCandyApple · 18/01/2022 16:29

On the flip side my kids don’t see their dad at all so isn’t it good that he’s just as interested as being with them as you? And at least the kids get to have a relationship with both Parents, and you get a break (something I only dream of) try to see the positives?

kshaw · 18/01/2022 16:29

I'm 18 months in and honestly it gets better. I make sure in my time away from them all house chores get done. Our time together is quality time as much as possible (I mean washing and cooking still needs to happen!) And I also don't want to be a Disney parent but honestly I appreciate the break now, I feel more like myself and less just Mum all the time. My little one is only 4 so I try to do baking every Sunday afternoon when she comes home to create a fun routine and (although I absolutely hate the phrase!) Create memories about having fun not swap over times. It gets easier I promise

Bobsmyaunty · 18/01/2022 17:01

I love the idea of baking at 'swap over time' I'm trying to set up a routine where I have crisps and board games ready (feel like there has to be a snack incentive) so that it's something familiar and comforting.

We'll see how it goes.

This is reassuring to read all your experiences.

I worry so much about them not having a 'base home' - I actually can't imagine what that must feel like. I think my ex will give up a little time at some point when work gets heavy, that's my hope anyway.

Sweetie1980 · 18/01/2022 21:22

@Bobsmyaunty I suggested nesting so the children didn’t have to move all of the time and surprise surprise he said he didn’t want to move around all of the time ! He has cut down on his work load but I am almost certain this will change when divorce is finalised ..

Movemeforward5 · 05/02/2022 18:29

Mine are mid to late teens and I am 1 year in. Incredible hole at first - I felt as though I’d been forced early to be an empty-nester. I started loads of new hobbies and catching up with old friends which has helped. Stbxh has stepped up and the kids have a better relationship with him now. We are civil for the kids and they are doing really well. Heartbreaking though, I feel like we’ve really let them down, shuttling to and fro.

forcedfun · 05/02/2022 18:35

I struggled with this. He never helped with the children before we split and was awfully abusive throughout including during pregnancy and labour.

He doesn't quite have 50/50 but not far off.

Things that help- doing long days at work when they are with their dad, so I can pick them up from school on the days they are with me. (And my hard work has converted into promotions). Helping out with my nieces and nephews at the weekends I am alone - a really wonderful experience. Spending time developing my own hobbies and interests. And I don't do many chores when they are with me, they are my priority on those days.

It's not perfect and I worry how he is with them (they have made disclosures to their head teacher which cafcass ignores).

But I feel I have learnt to make the most of the situation. And I can throw my all into my career for half the week and this has reaped huge rewards which means he no longer can financially abuse me.

forcedfun · 05/02/2022 18:38

I don't think it is remotely the right thing for the children by the way, I don't think many adults would choose to shuttle between homes continually

samanthaoritz · 01/05/2024 15:12

LilyGoLightly · 18/01/2022 12:00

how are you doing now? come across this old thread @LilyGoLightly

Original poster

LilyGoLightly · 03/05/2024 18:14

@samanthaoritz thanks for asking. I’m doing much better. Moved into a new house, adjusting to 50/50 has been hard but I’m getting there. I squeeze work into the other days so I don’t actually see them that much less. Generally in a much better place.

OP posts:

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