Divorce tips needed

[hereonmyownagain]

Name changed just in case
I’ve decide to divorce my husband for numerous reasons.

My husband is very angry about it (he doesn’t love or like me but I think he wanted to leave when he was ready / on his terms / when he’d found someone else and I’ve ruined that).

He’s saying it will be acrimonious (which I don’t want) and has twice now said he’s worried about leaving the children with me (5 year old and a 6 month old) as I have anger issues. This is rubbish, he’s the only person who angers me. I’ve never done anything to harm them in any way and I honestly believe he’s only saying that as he knows the only way he can punish me is to take my children away. He has a big family and lots of friends whilst I’m an only child whose parents died long ago and I have very few friends. He claims that because he has help he will get the children (he’s conveniently forgotten the fact his parents neglected and abused him so much he says he wishes he had been put in care).

My husband completely twists arguments afterwards to make out he was the wronged party and he’s very charming so I’m really scared a court will believe him over me.

Other than documenting everything he does and says does anyone have any advice or tips on how to negotiate a potentially bitter separation so it doesn’t hurt the children?

He knows he’s not going to get them, so he’s firing shots at you to knock your confidence. Do not let him get to you. Keep all texts and emails from him. Document, and hide your evidence.
Get a family solicitor ASAP and tell them what he’s saying.
Have you got your own bank account with wages/child benefit paid into it ?
Do you own your home/ name on deeds ?
Do either of you have a private pension ?
Change your passwords to phone/ iPad/computer/ bank account.

@GoodnightGrandma

He knows he’s not going to get them, so he’s firing shots at you to knock your confidence. Do not let him get to you. Keep all texts and emails from him. Document, and hide your evidence. Get a family solicitor ASAP and tell them what he’s saying. Have you got your own bank account with wages/child benefit paid into it ? Do you own your home/ name on deeds ? Do either of you have a private pension ? Change your passwords to phone/ iPad/computer/ bank account.

How does he know he's not going to get a children? I know the courts still have a mother bias but child arrangements will largely depend on the status quo. If he's the primary carer now, which hasn't been established, then he will most likely be the resident parent after divorce. If it's roughly 50/50 now, it could go either way as to who is resident but probably on a shared custody arrangement.

Personally I think it is a very bad idea for one parent to have the lion's share of time with the children unless one parent is a risk to the children. Partly this is because the relationships with both parents are important to the children but also for the practical reason that both parents must maximise their earning capacity after divorce. A parent who does the lion's share of childcare risks being overly dependent on an ex and that dependency is normally axed the minute the youngest turns 18.

He earns but I don’t as I got made redundant at 37 weeks pregnant and I’ve been on my “maternity leave”. I’d planned to take a year off (intended to start looking in the summer)

We do own a house but I paid more deposit and he agreed to pay more mortgage in return (no legal agreement unfortunately) so not sure if I will have to give him some of the deposit I paid.

I have a pension (from pre redundancy) and he has his own pensions.

I also have a lot more “cash” than he does as I have inheritance from both parents.

I do all the childcare currently due to not working. He's only just shown an interest in DD2 now she's responding to him a bit more.

@hereonmyownagain

He earns but I don’t as I got made redundant at 37 weeks pregnant and I’ve been on my “maternity leave”. I’d planned to take a year off (intended to start looking in the summer)

We do own a house but I paid more deposit and he agreed to pay more mortgage in return (no legal agreement unfortunately) so not sure if I will have to give him some of the deposit I paid.

I have a pension (from pre redundancy) and he has his own pensions.

I also have a lot more “cash” than he does as I have inheritance from both parents.

I do all the childcare currently due to not working. He's only just shown an interest in DD2 now she's responding to him a bit more.

If it's a needs case the inheritance will go into the pot. It'll only be set aside if needs can be met without it. Ditto everything else. It only starts to matter who put in what once needs have been met.

With young children you won't be expected to work immediately and you might get more of the assets and will be expected to claim benefits. Sounds like pensions are fairly equal so might be able to avoid the costs of pension transfers. Potentially spousal maintenance too but only if he earns a lot, as spousal erodes universal credit £ for £ and he'd have to give you about £1k before you even noticed the difference. Child maintenance doesn't do that though so that will be an income stream for you.

I wouldn't like to say what happens to child arrangements. Really depends what the patterns have been over the past 5 years rather than the last maternity and also - most likely - what you agree between you.

Thanks @FutureExH I want him to see the children and be active in their lives but I've always been the main carer and I don't want that to change.

I don't want him to tell lies about me to the children and others but I guess I can't control that or what others choose to believe. At the end of the day the people who matter will know the truth deep down.

He keeps on about me finding someone else but he's put me off having a relationship for a long while.

All I care about is doing this in a way that causes least damage to the children, all he seems to care about is his "pride" and making a show that Im the one "causing it".