How do people make it through to the other side?

[BigGreyOwl]

So... husband and I have been going through a rocky patch. His behaviour screamed mis-life crisis. He’s moved out to find himself (twice last year) and was unpredictable. He’d go for 0-80 in minutes with no warning and conversations would get emotional. He would always dial it back later in the day with a message apologising and we would try and move on.

Today it happened again. This time he said he thought we should get a divorce (he went from planning on us going for a nice lunch to divorce in less than 10 minutes). I asked a few questions timeline, finances etc that he couldn’t answer so I asked when I would hear from his solicitor. He said ohhh... today is Friday I’ll talk to someone on Monday. He wants us to still be friends because he likes spending time with me. I asked if he really wanted a divorce he said he felt pressured into it by my questions. The conversation did get emotional. I was crying.

I sent a message to him in the evening trying to take a step back. The essence of his responses was he wants a divorce.

I don’t want a divorce. I know that doesn’t matter. I’m trying to be practical. Thinking of what I can do to prepare myself.

How do I get through this?

Has he given you any reasons for it ?

@BigGreyOwl

So... husband and I have been going through a rocky patch. His behaviour screamed mis-life crisis. He’s moved out to find himself (twice last year) and was unpredictable. He’d go for 0-80 in minutes with no warning and conversations would get emotional. He would always dial it back later in the day with a message apologising and we would try and move on.

Today it happened again. This time he said he thought we should get a divorce (he went from planning on us going for a nice lunch to divorce in less than 10 minutes). I asked a few questions timeline, finances etc that he couldn’t answer so I asked when I would hear from his solicitor. He said ohhh... today is Friday I’ll talk to someone on Monday. He wants us to still be friends because he likes spending time with me. I asked if he really wanted a divorce he said he felt pressured into it by my questions. The conversation did get emotional. I was crying.

I sent a message to him in the evening trying to take a step back. The essence of his responses was he wants a divorce.

I don’t want a divorce. I know that doesn’t matter. I’m trying to be practical. Thinking of what I can do to prepare myself.

How do I get through this?

It would be inappropriate of me for all manner of reasons to suggest your husband has a depressive illness. I don't know him, this is an internet forum and I'm not medically trained. However, I think he should go and see a doctor. Some of the things you say are screaming bipolar disorder (to a layperson like me anyway).

@2023newstart - thank you for your reply. His reasons were that he doesn’t love me and that he wants to do what he wants when he wants and not plan things months in advance. I’m not sure what he means by the latter he always did what he wanted when he wanted and the only things we planned months in advance were some holidays and theatre trips. He had said we had companionship and a great intimate life. After 12 years of marriage my feelings for him have evolved too. He said he doesn’t love me but wants to spend time with me, asks for hugs and seeks reassurances from me. I find so much of this confusing.

@FutureExH I agree with you. He should see a doctor but refuses. He thought he was depressed and said he would see someone but didn’t. The same for him feeling anxious about things. He said he would go but wouldn’t. His mental health has never been robust (sorry I couldn’t think of another way to describe it) and the last year and a half have been dreadfully stressful for him. I think he’s hiding from a whole host of things but I’ve tried and tried to get him to someone but he refuses.

I know that if he wants a divorce there is nothing I can do but I think he’s making a mistake. Him wanting “this” to end is not going to happen by him filing for divorce.

@BigGreyOwl

The problem is that it is very common for depressed people to avoid getting help because they're depressed. I suspect my STBXW was depressed too but the brutal honest truth is that as the spouse to a depressed person you will eventually give up on them and want to leave the marriage. It sounds harsh, but it is what happens because most of the time they won't help themselves, they'll blame you and eventually all that takes a toll and you'll feel an overwhelming need to get out.

@FutureExH

Thank you. Yes he does blame me. For most things.

He moved out and I helped him settle into his new life. Now I have no choice but to clean up after him. He has caused this mess and walked away. I’m exhausted by supporting him over the last eight months and still have to deal with it. He doesn’t.

Just to say that I am wondering how I will get through something similar. Husband gone, met someone else already. We had been together 20 years and I am completely devastated. Even his friends have said to me that they think he's going through a mid life crisis. Doesn't help much though.

Take care. I'm told we will get there.

@KeepOnChanging Thank you for posting. I’m so sorry. We have only been married for 12 years but it is brutal.

People have said to me that I will get it. I wish they wouldn’t.

You take care too.

[quote BigGreyOwl]@KeepOnChanging Thank you for posting. I’m so sorry. We have only been married for 12 years but it is brutal.

People have said to me that I will get it. I wish they wouldn’t.

You take care too.[/quote]
I was similar. Whether it's depression or something else, they just seem to switch their feelings for their spouse off and become incredibly selfish.

I hate to say it, but people like this are often cheating too. Depression is no excuse for cheating but it tends to make it more likely. I caught my wife hanging out with a male version of herself.

Hard, but the best thing is to let them go. These people are toxic.

@FutureExH How did you let your wife go?

[quote BigGreyOwl]@FutureExH How did you let your wife go?[/quote]
To the point of divorce? Not really sure really. Just slowly but surely stopped caring. The problem is that if someone is:

A) Depressed;
B) Not doing anything about it;
C) Blaming you for it; and
D) Cheating on you as a form of self medication

Then eventually you wake up one day and think no, this isn't right. Depression or not, their self indulgence has gone too far. It's been three years and it's never gotten any better. I can't do this anymore.

Someone with depression who won't seek treatment and self medicates is - in the end - no different to a drug addict or an alcoholic. It causes utter misery to the people around them and when they're challenged on it the only thing they care about is themselves and not the people around them.

He doesn't get to decide how much of you he gets, ie gets your support and friendship on his terms while ending the marriage. If it's over, you have to look after yourself. Someone has to move out (or both of you), you need to sort out your finances and you need to be free to heal, with help from friends and your own space and autonomy. he is relying on you and will miss you terribly but that's not your problem.

@FutureExH Three years… gosh… no I’m not sure how I will cope with this for a time period like that.

I recognise what you are saying. So much of it reflects my situation. The depression and not wanting to work on it while blaming me. He is causing me utter misery and is truly self-indulgent.

On one hand I’m not surprised. He has always been selfish but he grew up experiencing the effect of this type of behaviour so I wouldn’t have thought he would want to be the cause of it. But then I guess his selfishness overrides all.

I'm currently going through this. It's absolutely horrendous. I feel completely lost so can totally sympathise. 😢 Following for some tips to stop feeling so bloody terrible.

Cherchez la Femme…

Sorry this is happening to you OP.

Feeling so overwhelmed and battered today.

Not sure what I can, practically, do to give me some quiet headspace. Nearly booked a three week holiday to the Arctic last night.

How are you today @Maybeiwillmaybeiwont1?

That sounds AMAZING!! Trip of a lifetime :) I strangely feel a smidget better. I Dont know how as my sleeping and eating isn't great and nothing has changed.
I have tried my very best to just try to get through day to day. Sometimes hour to hour when I'm feeling particularly crappy. Think we have to ride these waves of feeling in control and a little less helpless, then utter devastation! The sun is shining here, and I keep reminding myself Spring is on its way, so a chance at a new beginning. I totally feel for you, its the worst feeling in the world!

It looks like an amazing trip. I was put off by the >£15k price tag.

Started looking for/at solicitors today. It was rather daunting so I didn’t get far. I still just want to wake up and find it’s all a bad dream.

That's exactly how I feel so I understand. It's all a bit overwhelming isn't it 😔

It is indeed overwhelming. Weekends are the worst. They are so long and lonely.

Still waiting for the papers to arrive and trying to take baby steps to prepare myself.

Any movement for you @Maybeiwillmaybeiwont1?

Gosh this is so familiar. Separated for 2 years after 30 years (21 married) and am thinking the same - when will I feel back in control of my life and how do I thank my lucky stars for everything good in my life - of which there is plenty. I think it’s a mourning / grieving and is getting better with time. 2 yrs ago I was rocking on the sofa! 😆 😭 I’m trying to fill my life with new things but so much effort and I still feel so sad at times. Strength in numbers tho, I can’t believe so many in the same boat.