@funkymonk
I’ve been wanting to leave my marriage of 12 years for some time. Our relationship hasn’t been great for at least 2 years. My husband has a good job and earns well. Since my now 4 year old was born, I reduced my hours at work and took a demotion so that I could provide childcare (we have no local family). I earn less than 50% what I did before, so am now financially dependent on him.
I have no idea how I can leave this marriage as I don’t have the financial means to do so. I couldn’t buy my husband out of the house. I couldn’t afford rent and my family live 1.5 hours away so can’t head off there now that my little boy is in school here. When I have told my husband how I feel and how I feel stuck, he tells me he will never leave this house and he doesn’t want our marriage to end so will do whatever it takes to make it work (then life carries on as normal with him occasionally washing the dishes or hanging laundry as his attempts at making things work). I think he knows that I am reliant on him.
Aside from the financial worries I’m terrified about losing the time with my son. He’s an only child born after years of miscarriage and ivf treatment. Because of my husbands job he wouldn’t be able to commit to childcare during the week, so does that mean he would get most of the weekends with him? School nights aren’t the quality time that weekends are and I couldn’t stand to lose say 3 out of 4 weekends with my little boy because I get to have him on weeknights.
I’ve been seeing a counsellor for a few months now to try and get my head straight, but I feel like I’m going round in circles and am full of self doubt.
Last spring I asked my husband to attend marriage counselling with me and he refused. He’s now saying he’s willing for us to speak to someone together but I feel there’s too much water under the bridge now and after so long of being unhappy, my feelings for him have gone.
I’m 40 in 6 weeks and I feel under pressure to have my life sorted before then, or to at least have some sort of plan in place. Not sure what I’m asking for here! Perhaps some similar situations with happy endings, or some suggestions of how to get rid of my self doubt and work out what the hell to do!
You're in a very similar situation to my STBXW, except I don't know how your STBXH will react to the news or what he would agree to in a divorce. Perhaps though my perspective sitting on the other side of the fence will help you see the bigger picture and how things might play out? I'll deal with each in turn.
- Your earning capacity vs my STBXW
My STBXW is currently a SAHM although now our youngest is 5 she plans to work once she finishes retraining next year. In the short term, I would happily provide additional support to her over and above child maintenance but the reality is she is entitled to a lot of universal credit that would be lost £ for £ from any spousal maintenance and I could not afford to match and exceed her benefit. Therefore, we'll fudge it for the year she is not working by agreeing a slightly higher child maintenance figure for the first year and then drop to CMS calculation in year 2.
Beyond that, I have absolutely no intention of funding her as she is capable of working 30 hours a week. Whilst she has retrained, I have done at least 50% of the childcare and have diarised it. She is reluctant to maximise her earning capacity (she would prefer to "relieve" me of some of the childcare in the week) but I've been quite firm that it's her choice but I won't subsidise her income if she earns less than she is able to and she has been told by the mediator that the courts would agree.
So in your situation, I suspect as your child is approaching school age you'll be expected to work 25 hours a week and your STBXH might reasonably want a weekday evening with your child which will further increase your capacity to work.
You'll also be expected to maximise your other sources of income such as benefits and will also get child maintenance ongoing unless there is 50/50 shared care.
- Financial Means
The assets are matrimonial so you're in much the same situation as your STBXH really. You may also be eligible for maintenance pending suit (but only after maximising your income from benefits etc).
If you own a house, you might be eligible for a Mesher Order (deferred sale) probably up to the time your child is 11. Unlikely to last until they are 18 unless your STBXH agrees. Mesher Orders have downsides though (e.g. you will know it's not your forever home, you would have to be able to pay the mortgage and would be on the hook for all the maintenance costs). Another option would be an uneven split of equity maybe 70/30 in your favour to rehouse (STBXH would keep more of the pension to bring things back to around a 50/50 split of assets).
In my case I'm trying to put my STBXW off a Mesher Order because it would have downsides for both of us. She'd have no realistic prospect of buying anywhere when the sale day eventually came and I would have to burn money in rent for years. I've also been quite clear that if I'm going to be locked out of home ownership forever, then it would be an unfair outcome for my income to leave her a homeowner.
Alternatively, you could afford rent as you will be eligible for housing benefit.
- Making things work
Yeah, when I discovered my wife was cheating the first time I tried to "make things work." Then lockdown happened and I realised her claims that she did more than me were BS and that she sat on her backside for around 5 hours a day. Then I discovered affairs two, three, four and five some happening simultaneously.... Your STBXH will eventually give up on making things work too, if you don't respond to it.
- Losing Time
Comes with the territory. When the split comes, your son will have two homes. The reality though is you won't lose 3 weekends in 4 unless that's what you agree. I would have thought something more like alternate weekends plus a weeknight (or maybe two) would be more appropriate? It would give you more time to work and maximise your own earnings in the week and have the added benefit of more weekends with your child. This is what I'm proposing to my STBXW (and I'm reducing my hours to the same that she works whether she likes it or not as my attitude is that after a split the parents stop being breadwinner and homemaker and both because financially and domestically responsible. My wife needs to go to work more and I need to spend more time with the children).
I know you say your STBXH can't commit to this but is that him saying it or you? You might find given the choice he wants to rearrange his working life. My STBXW would have said the same as you 2 years ago but lockdown has meant I will now permanently be in a position to have them 2 evenings a week.
[Please don't try anything stupid to try and change that fact like making false accusations (not saying you would, but some otherwise normal people do this mainly out of fear of losing control or under undue stress). It almost always backfires and does a huge disservice to people in genuinely terrifying circumstances whose hearings get delayed for the false ones. One woman in Scotland was jailed for 2 months for making false claims and you will forever be exposed to a perjury charge in the future. There are even claims that some solicitors encourage some low level fabrication to secure non-molestation orders although I'm sceptical of this (in the unlikely event this is true and if a solicitor does suggest this, find a better one).]
- Counselling
Will leave that to the professionals. My STBXW was having counselling but gave up on it.
As for marriage guidance, I did propose it but gave up in the end as she had no interest in it and I've slowly lost interest. Sounds like you have too.
- Age
Will count against you. You're easily young enough to build your own earning capacity back up. You might get more than half the assets but expect that in lieu of rather than in addition to any kind of maintenance for yourself (child maintenance is separate).
I don't have a crystal ball so I cannot predict your divorce, especially without knowing incomes, assets etc but basically what you need to do is:
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Financially separate. Get your own bank accounts, apply for all the benefits you are eligible for. Maximise what you can earn.
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Come to an agreement on childcare that works for both of you. Then use the government calculator to get a figure for child maintenance.
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Draw up a separation agreement. I don't know what a court would do but a fair split would depend on what he earns. If he's on less than £60k a year then probably 60/40 in your favour on home equity and in return he'd keep other assets to bring it closer to 50/50. If he's on more than around £60k then maybe 70/30 in your favour on "current" assets like house, car etc and again offset by pensions etc (plus some implied spousal maintenance capitalised) down to around 60/40.
Obviously it all depends on your unique circumstances but it sounds like mediation would work for you both to come to a fair settlement.