Telling an abuser you want a divorce

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DH went demented when I made him move out, feigned suicide attempt, days of hysterical crying, supposed panic attacks and so on. Some of it in front of the DC .

I now need to talk about divorce. Lundy Bancroft says to give abusers no quarter, tell it like it is with no pleading or sugarcoating, but he’s describing the situation where they might work on their issues with the hope of reconciliation.

I don’t want DH back, there is nothing he can do or say, so how do I approach this?

Gently and talking about how he has broken my heart, or being honest about how he has destroyed our marriage?Or neutral and grey rock?

I imagine he’s going to get nasty either way, just wondering if anyone has any thoughts as to the best option? I’ve been putting this off because I’m scared…we currently have an uneasy peace and DC are able to see him being normal and helpful. I don’t know whether to prolong this phase for their benefit or just get on with it

Grey rock. Any explanation or talking about feelings will open the door for him to think he can persuade you. See it in your mind as a business transaction...it's as though you were approaching your mortgage broker to get a new payment plan.

Get everything done by professionals....don't discuss it with him at all.

If he asks you questions about paperwork he receives, say "You'll need to talk to my solicitor about that" and do NOT budge.

Agree about grey rock and using professionals to do the rest for you. Save your time and effort for your children and yourself. Any emotions of any kind will just feed them. Be as matter of fact and calm as possible even if he reacts badly. There is no benefit at all to 'prolong' this because it is not real. The best thing is to get with it.

*on

Grey rock. Divorce in a business like and brusque fashion.

But also remember you have to obey the law yourself and you cannot just throw him out of the FMH or deny contact with the children. If he is abusive (as in the criminal offence) then you do need to go through the proper channels. That means an NMO, occupation order and you will need to be able to back up your claims with evidence.

Unfortunately false claims of abuse and DV are so commonplace in acrimonious divorces (especially since the changes to legal aid rules that incentivise people to make false claims to get free legal representation) that genuine cases are harder to identify. You need to do everything you can to hold evidence which includes diarising everything, making a list of people who could back you up like schools or GPs etc. Recordings might be useful for the police but I don't think they are admissible in court.

I wouldn't discuss it with him, what's the point, you know what will happen. Send a factual email the day before the papers from the lawyer will arrive. Shit will hit the fan no matter what you do, so lawyer up and steady yourself. Ensure all communication is in writing, and remember everything you write can be used in Court so be polite, factual and consider the best interests of the children in everything.

Neutral and grey rock.
Facts, not emotions.
You want it over with ASAP, for this kind of difficult people I always keep the Queens apparent motto in my head: “never complain, never explain” when having to deal with them.

Thanks everyone that’s really helpful- i know I’ve just got to get on with it but I am not looking forward to the fallout. Grey rock it is.