Mumsnet advice on divorce and separation for Divorce Day

[JuliaMumsnet]

As it’s Divorce Day - the first working Monday in the year when law firms see a huge jump in enquiries about divorce - we thought we’d highlight some of our best resources and Mumsnet tips about separation and divorce. Since Christmas day we've had more than 280K unique pageviews on our relationships forum and 66K on our divorce and separation forum. Divorce can be messy, expensive and challenging - but also, if it’s right for you, incredibly liberating in time.

1. How to tell and talk to your children - honesty and clarity, with reassurance.
2. Where to get divorce advice - The many places you can go (bear in mind is that most of them cost, and the costs can be high)
3. Surviving Divorce Financially - various things you have to do and think about.
4. How to cope if your ex won’t cooperate - Unfortunately, there are some ex-partners who seem to want to block every attempt you make to communicate in a healthy way.
5. DIY Divorce - what is it and who should, and shouldn’t, consider it.
6. Children's rights and best interests - All people with parental responsibility may spend time with a child and have a say in important decisions in their life, as long as this in the child's best interests and doesn't jeopardise their rights.
7. Grounds for divorce - what are the legal reasons that people can initiate a divorce (EDIT: this will change in April 2022 when a new law comes into place which, amongst other things, removes the need to prove one of these grounds for divorcing)

Paula Rhone-Adrien - award winning family law barrister - has also been a great resource for Mumsnetters and others. Her latest webchat is here and an earlier webchat on divorce during lockdown is here and a thread with some short videos from her can be found here.

Please note: A new law (which passed in June 2020) will change the rules surrounding divorce in April 2022. Amongst other things, it will allow couples will be able to divorce without having to cite blame, will prevent divorce applications being contested, and will allow couples to jointly apply for divorce.

And don’t forget that our Relationships forum and our Divorce/ Separation forum can be a huge source of comfort and practical support.

Sending strength if you’re going through this - or considering it - right now. Remember that things will get easiest and you'll get through it.

MNHQ

I feel churlish for mentioning this, and feel free to send me to pedants corner, but there are several spelling errors in your OP @JuliaMumsnet

'within' should be "without" and 'DYI' should be "DIY"

Sorry.

May I add that if you're self-repping (LIP) or at least doing as much as you can without the expense of a solicitor or barrister until crunch time, this is the video you want to watch when filling out your form E. I found the website and particularly this video and supportive information invaluable.
www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/how-fill-your-financial-statement-form-e-film

I also find The Smart Divorce podcast with Tamsin Caine an absolute must-listen for anyone thinking about or in the midst of divorce. She herself is a financial planner and is a fountain of knowledge who shares the mic with other experts. This podcast is, in my humble opinion, a necessity!

@Mundra

I feel churlish for mentioning this, and feel free to send me to pedants corner, but there are several spelling errors in your OP *@JuliaMumsnet*

'within' should be "without" and 'DYI' should be "DIY"

Sorry.

Surely it would be pedants' corner or pedant's?😬

Yeah, the first...but I'm not working for MNHQ, typing an OP, am I?

and churlish you are...@Mundra

well done.

@Mundra DYI stands for “divorce your idiot” … 😉😉😂

Best advice would be not to get married in the first place! Particularly if you are a woman who earns more than her partner along with raising the kids. Or even if you just think you have more potential than your partner. It’s not what you bring into the marriage so much as what you will make along the way - because he can rip you off for half of all that.

I would recommend getting legal advice if you have average assets. It was very uncomfortable and expensive paying for a solicitor but at least I know it is signed and sealed correctly and my ex can’t come back for more money.

I think that's not good advice @TorringtonDean

Most women earn less than their partners and many give up work when their children come along - you only have to see all the posts on here. For them, who are in fact the majority of women, it is better to be married. A very small minority will earn less than their Hs, but most won't.

@Itsnotdeep it’s conventional advice that marriage is better for women but I found to my cost it was not helpful to me. It seems the conventional advice is based on assumptions that women will work less - the gender pay gap - which is not a good thing! Many women younger than me now earn more than their husbands. So times are changing and so should the advice. Why shackle yourself to someone financially for your whole life? I consider both I and my children lost out because I was married.

I should say assumptions that women will earn less, not work less! Obviously we tend to do work both outside and inside the home - often a larger share of the total work!!

@TorringtonDean

Best advice would be not to get married in the first place! Particularly if you are a woman who earns more than her partner along with raising the kids. Or even if you just think you have more potential than your partner. It’s not what you bring into the marriage so much as what you will make along the way - because he can rip you off for half of all that.

I would recommend getting legal advice if you have average assets. It was very uncomfortable and expensive paying for a solicitor but at least I know it is signed and sealed correctly and my ex can’t come back for more money.

I presume you are happy with men being given the same advice I presume? Because that is exactly what the misogynistic red pill bullshit advises.

Happy to agree with your advice about using a solicitor.

My advice is to be clear to yourself on what your red lines are and stick to them. Trying to compromise on these to keep a marriage alive will just make you miserable and lead you to divorce eventually anyway.

I am not against marriage - it is a natural human urge to want to have a happy long term relationship. But I am against the divorce laws as they stand in the U.K. and I do think there is a massive problem that most of us who have married have entered into a legal contract we have never seen! There should be a full course of compulsory training explaining just what the legal repercussions are according to your domestic setup. I will never marry again. I’d never make that mistake twice.