Changes to child arrangments

[KRWR]

My children are 8 & 6 and we currently live 50 miles from their father however he has now decided that he is no longer happy with only seeing the children on alternative weekends and has announced he's moving 3 miles away. I'm okay with him moving close, I originally moved far away (with his permission) to get out of London and away from him and the terrible relationship we had but I know it would be better to have him local for our children
However he has decided he now wants the children half the time.
He works full time, chosing to work every other weekend to earn extra money (he has a very good job, earning with overtime over 60k so the overtime isn't really needed). I do not work as I'm currently studying as a distance learner to be a teacher so even when I do start working I'll still be home at a decent time so school. So he will not be able to do school run and is expecting his new gf to do it with with 3 month old baby (she does not drive and the walk to school would take 45 minutes each way from their new flat)
I've tried to talk to how it's not feasible to have the children 50% of the time but I'd be more than happy to do school run then bring them home to do homework and guitar practice with them (things which he never does properly even when asked) then a a couple times a week when he's finished work he can come collect them, have them for the evening and I'll collect them before bedtime so they are at home for me to take them to school in the morning. This would be on top of the alternative weeks we already do.
He however won't listen, says he has parents responsibility so 50% rights so wants them 50% of the time.
I've spoken to the children and they want to see more of him but don't want to live with him 50% of the time and when they told him they want to see him a day or 2 he's taken that to mean that they do a day or 2 with him and then a day or 2 at home with no real routine.
Hes always takes down to me and makes me feel really bad about myself. When he announced be was having the children 50% of the time he just told me it was happening and when I tried to give alternatives he just said no and asked if I had anything else to say. I'm now very stressed and honestly scared to tell him that he's not having them 50% of the time because of the way he makes me feel but know I'm gonna have to do it before he moves
Has anyone else had to deal with a similar change in child arrangements?
Can he just take them 50% of the time or do I have right to stop him?
Honestly any help would be great, I'm so stressed it's affecting both my mental and physical health and I feel like no one knows what I'm going through

I'm sure others will be along with more advise, but one thing- he doesn't have rights. The kids have rights (which do not necessarily include 50:50) and he (and you) have responsibilities to do what is best by them. So any talk of his 'rights' is wrong.

@KRWR

My children are 8 & 6 and we currently live 50 miles from their father however he has now decided that he is no longer happy with only seeing the children on alternative weekends and has announced he's moving 3 miles away. I'm okay with him moving close, I originally moved far away (with his permission) to get out of London and away from him and the terrible relationship we had but I know it would be better to have him local for our children However he has decided he now wants the children half the time. He works full time, chosing to work every other weekend to earn extra money (he has a very good job, earning with overtime over 60k so the overtime isn't really needed). I do not work as I'm currently studying as a distance learner to be a teacher so even when I do start working I'll still be home at a decent time so school. So he will not be able to do school run and is expecting his new gf to do it with with 3 month old baby (she does not drive and the walk to school would take 45 minutes each way from their new flat) I've tried to talk to how it's not feasible to have the children 50% of the time but I'd be more than happy to do school run then bring them home to do homework and guitar practice with them (things which he never does properly even when asked) then a a couple times a week when he's finished work he can come collect them, have them for the evening and I'll collect them before bedtime so they are at home for me to take them to school in the morning. This would be on top of the alternative weeks we already do. He however won't listen, says he has parents responsibility so 50% rights so wants them 50% of the time. I've spoken to the children and they want to see more of him but don't want to live with him 50% of the time and when they told him they want to see him a day or 2 he's taken that to mean that they do a day or 2 with him and then a day or 2 at home with no real routine. Hes always takes down to me and makes me feel really bad about myself. When he announced be was having the children 50% of the time he just told me it was happening and when I tried to give alternatives he just said no and asked if I had anything else to say. I'm now very stressed and honestly scared to tell him that he's not having them 50% of the time because of the way he makes me feel but know I'm gonna have to do it before he moves Has anyone else had to deal with a similar change in child arrangements? Can he just take them 50% of the time or do I have right to stop him? Honestly any help would be great, I'm so stressed it's affecting both my mental and physical health and I feel like no one knows what I'm going through

If you case hinges on school runs, then you'll be in exactly the same boat as him once you're qualified and working unless by chance you end up at the same school as your children (and even then it will be problematic). Teachers - both primary and secondary - tend to start before 8am which is normally about 30-45 minutes before school starts and they tend to need time after end of the last class to finish up. In fact, there is a thread on here maybe posted a week ago about a senior teacher and how it was unrealistic that he could do any of the school runs without wrap around care.

The reality is can he have 50% shared care? The answer is yes he can (and it's not solely your decision) unless there is a good reason that he shouldn't. I'm not going to get too into the details of "rights" because whilst he does have parental "rights" it means something different to "where the children live" although the courts (if it went that far) should ensure a relationship with both parents and alternative weekends could be varied upwards although not necessarily to 50/50.

Whilst on the face of it his inability to do the school runs is problematic (and his solution to use his girlfriend is entirely impractical) the reality is that school runs are going to be problematic for you as well soon. Therefore if that is your concern, you probably need to evaluate your own career first. Or is there another reason for concern?

Although I understand that when I start working I will need to put the children in before and after school clubs I will still be working locally, he however will still be working in London so will be unable to look after the children as he'll be leaving for qork at 5am.
Honestly he is also very unreliable. For the last 5 years hes constantly canceled having the children last minute. At one point he decided that every other weekend was too much and decided that once every 4 weeks was enough so he could 'have some time off'. He went away for 6 months to the TA in Cyprus, only rang the children once a month and 3 weeks after he came back we decided he'd surprise them and come get them after school with me and he was over an hour late because he'd stayed up all night playing xbox then fell asleep and hadn't woken up until nearly 3pm.
He doesn't do any of things the children need to do after school. Whenever I ask him to do homework with the children he just tells them to task and then doesn't check what they do and obviously being young they just do the bare minimum and I have to redo the homework with them when they get home because it is often not what they were meant to do or illegible as they rush through it. He's been told multiple time that the children need to do reading everyday for 5 minutes every day and he won't even buy books for their reading levels. My eldest is learning guitar and needs to practice for 10 minutes each day but he refuses to even let my eldest have his guitar in his house
And most importantly it's not what the children want. They've been asked would they like to see him more and they've said yes but they do not what to live with him half the time. My eldest even told him he'd like to see him a couple days but he's still adamant he's having them 50% of the time. The youngest is scared of him. If he does something wrong at home he'll be in flood of tears begging me not to tell his dad which honestly is very unhealthy.

Tell him you will do mediation

Is he trying to stop paying child maintenance?

How I'd he planning on seeing the children if he is working or is it all going to hinge on his girlfriend doing the work? I would fight this because its the child's right to see the parents not the parents significant others

@Theunamedcat

Tell him you will do mediation

Is he trying to stop paying child maintenance?

How I'd he planning on seeing the children if he is working or is it all going to hinge on his girlfriend doing the work? I would fight this because its the child's right to see the parents not the parents significant others

What's losing child maintenance got to do with it? Child maintenance is an amount paid to the resident parent for the care of children because one parent has the children more than the other. It is in recognition of the joint financial responsibility of parents to their children. If there is shared care, that joint financial responsibility can already be assumed without money changing hands.

OP plans to be a teacher and will probably have to pay more in wrap around childcare than what they get in child maintenance anyway! It probably works out better to have exH doing their share of pickups and drop offs.

Maintenance is not an issue, if he stopped paying it would not make much a difference to me
Yes she will be expected to do it all. Currently she is already doing everything with them, when homework is done she does it. I always ask how their weekend was and what they ate (there was in incident after my eldest was given 4 blue slush puppies in one day at their house and wasn't well afterwards) and they always tell that either she's cooked for them or if she's not avaliable he buys takeaway. If they do activities at theirs then they do them with her. My children often complain that they don't do much with him because he's either tired or watching formula one

@KRWR

Although I understand that when I start working I will need to put the children in before and after school clubs I will still be working locally, he however will still be working in London so will be unable to look after the children as he'll be leaving for qork at 5am. Honestly he is also very unreliable. For the last 5 years hes constantly canceled having the children last minute. At one point he decided that every other weekend was too much and decided that once every 4 weeks was enough so he could 'have some time off'. He went away for 6 months to the TA in Cyprus, only rang the children once a month and 3 weeks after he came back we decided he'd surprise them and come get them after school with me and he was over an hour late because he'd stayed up all night playing xbox then fell asleep and hadn't woken up until nearly 3pm. He doesn't do any of things the children need to do after school. Whenever I ask him to do homework with the children he just tells them to task and then doesn't check what they do and obviously being young they just do the bare minimum and I have to redo the homework with them when they get home because it is often not what they were meant to do or illegible as they rush through it. He's been told multiple time that the children need to do reading everyday for 5 minutes every day and he won't even buy books for their reading levels. My eldest is learning guitar and needs to practice for 10 minutes each day but he refuses to even let my eldest have his guitar in his house And most importantly it's not what the children want. They've been asked would they like to see him more and they've said yes but they do not what to live with him half the time. My eldest even told him he'd like to see him a couple days but he's still adamant he's having them 50% of the time. The youngest is scared of him. If he does something wrong at home he'll be in flood of tears begging me not to tell his dad which honestly is very unhealthy.

This doesn't get around the fact that neither of you are available for school drop offs and pickups and he's in pretty much the same situation as you in that you both have to find workarounds for your days. In his case it might be something like working from home some days, in your case wraparound care. However, it's not your decision whether it is realistic for him or not; that's up to him to prove. Other than that:

1. If he's unreliable, diarise it, otherwise it's just hearsay;
2. On the homework point, he has to make sure they do it but you don't have the right to assess his performance as long as it is done. In fact, I wouldn't bring this up at all, because it looks like controlling, interfering or obstruction and makes you look unreasonable and looking for excuses. Also, schools do not expect parents to buy books;
3. Guitar is similarly a very minor point. Not worth raising;
4. What the children want is relevant;
5. You say the children want to spend more time with him but not live with him. Then you say the youngest is scared of him. That is a contradiction, which is true? It won't help you if you tell lies, they are very easy to spot.

I'm currently studying as a distance learner to be a teacher so even when I do start working I'll still be home at a decent time so school.

OP I'm afraid you're in for a bit of a surprise if you think you're going to be rolling through the school gate at 8.30 and out again at 3pm. With team meetings, duties, training etc none of my colleagues are in anytime after maybe 7.30, nor do they leave most days before 5pm.

He is a bus mechanic who works on London buses. Working from home is not an option
Its not lying. You can want children to see their parent because it's their parent. Doesn't mean you want them there all the time. Am I meant to say I don't want them around him because the youngest is scared of the way he disciplines them. I think that would be unfair to cut all his visitation over that. I'm happy with current visitation however he is not so I'm happy to meet in the middle
It's not really controlled to say homework isn't done right. Eldest has had homework to find out facts about autumn and I've got a list of things his father has written. In his mind that's homework done but if the child isn't doing any writing then the homework isn't done
Lessons and homework may not be important when he's only seeing them every other weekend but if he's not practicing for a week at a time its gonna make a difference.
Also I have evidence of all his lateness, not out of need to diarise it but because we communicate majority over messages therefore there is a record of the unreliability, even the "jokes" where he calls himself a shit parent and refers to all his children, both mine and the one with his current partner as mistakes where he didn't learn his lesson from the first child

Okay, you've changed your story again. Before, you said both children wanted to spend more time with your ex. Now you're saying you meant you. Look, I'm going to be really blunt with you now. I don't know whether you are telling the whole truth about the situation or not because I don't know you. Nor will anyone you encounter if the two of you get into a legal dispute over custody. So you'd better learn to be consistent in what you're saying or they'll blow massive holes in your case. My advice is only speak the literal truth. Even exaggeration could lead to looking inconsistent and therefore untrustworthy.

As for your questioning about discipline? Either it's bad in which case you should bring it up to protect your child, or it causes you no concerns about visitation in which case 1) why bring it up? and 2) you're giving an impression to me of someone who believes they have the right to micro-manage the other parent (e.g. the homework, the disciplining, the double standards on ability to do school pickups etc).

As for him, if he's a bus mechanic I doubt he'll have any great difficulty in finding a job closer to home net of the commuting costs. Whether or not he does will give you a clearer indication of whether he's serious.

It would be great if ex husband could do his share of the pick ups and drop offs but he isnt he is outsourcing that role to his girlfriend like his parenting if I was his girlfriend I would be saying no they are your children they are here to see you not me and what about when she goes to work what will the kids do then? Is dad going to pay for childcare for three on his week? These things all need working out via mediation because clearly talking isn't working