Hello @findthecourage. I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. This seems to be a very common occurrence in relationships that a man refuse to listen to a woman, pretend all is well and in the end when she calls is quits he acts like he had no idea and blame her for everything, like @19Bears said. I have no idea why they do it and what do they think this would accomplish. All that it created in me was resentment, and more resentment.
I am afraid there is no one way of dealing with these situations, every person and couple are different and have different way of solving things. However, I can tell you two things I know for sure, once you decide the relationship is over, there is no mending it. My therapist told me this: if a couple comes to counseling and a woman believes that there is a chance, there is, if a woman thinks it is over, it is over. She says it is because a woman is often the one working on a relationship, trying different things, adjusting, while man just tags along. So, if a woman comes to a conclusion it is over it is after she has done everything she could to save it and no counseling can help it.
The other thing I know for sure, break up will hurt. It will hurt you and your husband, and it does not matter whose “fault” it is, who instigated it, who wanted it. It will hurt and postponing it will just prolong the pain and suffering.