First joint mediation session - how to I prepare???

[thinkingSilver]

Hello everyone,

We’ve had our individual mediation sessions and next week is the first joint session.

I need to submit Form E 48 hours before the time, plus 12 months of bank statements, mortgage statements and property valuations.

What is going to happen in the session? I’m really stressed. Will I get his form E before the session?
I’m stressed because I know nothing about the finances and I absolutely need to reply on a solicitor and possibly a financial advisor to almost give me a script to talk from.

When will I have time to prepare for this? I’m really terrified. Say if we both submit our form E’s to the mediator 48 hours before the session, and they then send it across to the other person, then that doesn’t leave me with enough time to get advice???

Or do you think I need the advice and “script” for the second joint session?

What will happen in the first joint session and how should I prepare?

Please help! I’m scared I will sit there with eyes the size of saucers over the Zoom session.

Most importantly, how do I get myself to calm down?
I feel like crying and it’s over a week away!

The divorce is not my choice or decision and he has filed….

Are you both amicable? Mine was horrendous but ex is abusive. Have you agreed on childcare arrangements?

We haven’t agreed on childcare agreements.

At this point it is amicable but I think it will quickly go pear shaped once we talk about childcare and finances.

It easy. Do you think he will ve fair regarding finances? Mediation is just a discussion so you should talk to a solicitor so you know what you are entitled to. mediators don't advise at all

Sorry it's not easy....

When we had our first session, we had to take our form Es and accompanying documentation with us but that was pre-Covid.
Basically we didn't swap information unless we both had it.

(He still failed to comply and in the end mediation failed)

You won't have to agree anything. Just go through the information with the mediator and see what they say.

If you don't think mediation is going to work, speak to your mediator and explain why. It might be that going the court route will be better for you. See what your solicitor and the mediator think?

Good luck x

Firstly, do not submit your information prior and just take it on the day. What if he doesn’t submit anything? Ex did this and I felt like I had “shown my cards”.
Secondly, don’t tell him what you want in the first session. Go to listen. Listen to what he wants.
Then go to a solicitor for advice with (hopefully) his financial information too and what he hopes will happen with the children etc. Also what you hope will happen.
Another good price of advice I got off here, think about what childcare you will need to work etc and see if he can cover any of it hassle free if you pay childcare bills.

It's not easy but go in with a positive attitude that you can compromise, far more productive than assuming you can't.

Have an idea of what you would likely be awarded in court, your solicitor can advise in more detail but it starts at 50/50 then adjusted for circumstances.

Don't be pressured to agree anything without legal advice. Will your finances be straight forward?

Thanks. This is really useful

You won't be made to agree to anything on the day. Expect 2-3 sessions with time to think about things.
A first session generally covers all the things you both need to start thinking about.
Have you talked to a solicitor at all?
Do you have any idea of his salary, what the house is worth etc
Do you know your own future potential worth? As in if you're a sahm what we're you earning before you stopped work, what career might you have had.
Eg I was on £60k when I stopped work 14 years ago. Ex's solicitors pointed out to him that I could eventually get back to this earning level. I countered that as we had a child with severe sen who couldn't cope with after school care or care in the holidays it was pretty unlikely I could go back to that kind of job. So my salary was likely to stay low forever. Ex took that as a fair point.
Anyway have an idea in your own head of where you might be in 5,10,15,20 years time etc. And how that differs to what it might have been had you not been a sahm. So you counter any ridiculous suggestions but also be able to see what is fair.
Remember that dividing assets is different to maintenance. Even if you agree a level of child maintenance, even if it gets written into the divorce settlement - he can go back to court after a year and apply to change it. So don't accept any promises of future money from him against a reduction in your share now.
Start at 50/50 and assess what makes the pendulum swing in your favour and in his.
Noone us going to do it for you so it's hard but you need to detach from your emotions a little. And solicitors will go after stuff because you will pay them to do so.
Do remember tho that fighting in the court will cost you c20k each. Always worth offsetting that in your own head. Eg Don't fight for 5k when it might cost you 3 times that much to get it.
Men often lash out when they're feeling guilty to deflect it. So I'd stick to talking about wanting the best for the kids etc.
And sit down and think what is really best for them in terms of contact, where they live etc. A huge difference in lifestyle from 1 parent to the other is def not good for them.
Think equal start for both of you, taking into account the other factors.
For us it meant that we'd each be able to live in a similar size house near to the kids schools. Though I needed more equity due to lower future earnings caused by being a sahm and a child with SEN. And he had greater income potential but needed a certain amount of deposit. Knowing what houses cost in your local area is important.
Don't forget pension.

How did it go, OP?

The first joint meeting was last week Thursday. It was two hours long.
Essentially, the mediator talked about communication and using an app etc. And then the rest of the time, she basically made a list or summary of all the figures in Form E and by asking us each figure, from what month that was, if there was a valuation from which estate agent it was and what figure each agent gave etc.
I actually felt it was a lot of wasted time because she had all that information before hand! We had to send her the Form E and the attachments. And we labelled each attachment so carefully, eg if it was something referring to section 2.13, then we labelled it “2.13 Property Valuation of …”

Very little was discussed?? I was very surprised.

Now that I have all the figures I have now made an appointment with my solicitor to give me advice. I still need to work out my budget and give exact figures of all my outgoings etc. I took 4 bank statements and wrote down all my expenses in categories, and will work out the average for each section.
The solicitor also asked me for figures of capital gains tax, of which I have no clue.
And figures of alternative accommodation, other than the family home. So, I have a bit of homework to do.

I’m just really surprised how the mediation went. It’s also expensive and costs £150 per person per hour. So, for last week’s session that is £600??? Really??? And all that really happened is she made a summary and a list of all our finances. But she had those figures and valuations and everything she needed beforehand?

That sounds a bit different to mine - abd a lot more expensive (mine was 3 years ago though).

Glad it wasn't as traumatic as you expected though.