How do you find the motivation and energy to leave?

[Whenthesmokeclears]

When things are teetering along, but are loveless and joyless?

I think I'm so used to this loveless relationship now that I'm numb to it. The sleeping separately, his separate hobbies, my separate interests. I am hardly full of joy but life isn't that bad either. We get on at a superficial, surface level but it goes no deeper. I know there is nothing to be worked on because I don't fancy him, don't respect him, don't like what he stands for, don't like his lifestyle choices.

But I had a very traumatic childhood and I guess my bar is low. This life is a thousand times better than life growing up, but there are times that I crave the love, affection I see my friends have in their marriages. I long to feel cherished and to cherish.

We also have 2 DCs.

I have been planning to leave now for 3 years and I can't find the energy or motivation to actually do it. I often wish that he would have an affair.

How do I motivate myself to actually DO it?

I had been thinking about it long before I actually did anything about it, and it was a straw that broke the camel's back for me - him shouting (again) at me and suddenly I had had enough.

If things are "just" stale I can imagine it's much more difficult, whereas my STBXH is abusive (not all the time, he can be lovely) and I knew I had to get us out (me and DC) as it was doing us no good at all.

Does he feel the same do you think, do you somehow need to acknowledge the problem and talk about it? Go to couples counselling to see if you want to put it back together? Or are you past that?

I said to myself 'life is too short you deserve to be happier than this ,stop wasting time ' repeatedly

Could you suggest couples counselling with a view of having an experienced counsellor that can support you moving forward if it comes to the inevitable conclusion of ending? We had counselling and I ended up blurting out that it was never going to be enough. We didn't have a counsellor that then supported us through the next steps, but it would have been really beneficial. Just a thought.... x

We tried relationship counselling but he gradually disengaged until he just didn't show up.

I suggested couples counseling to my ex and he refused, so I started going by myself. I never looked back. Counseling helped me realize what my marriage was and was not, what I wanted from life, and gave me courage to end it. Simple as that.

I've booked myself an independent counselling session for next week @freeatlast21 Hoping to find some answers and motivation there.

That is great. Keep us posted.👍

OP you say that your childhood was traumatic - not on the same level but your children are now growing up viewing your relationship as normal. It's not.

If you can't muster the motivation to do this for yourself, do it for the kids.

I could have written this post myself! Your situation sounds just like mine although I did not experience the childhood trauma. Quite the opposite in fact.
I too am confident of my feelings and of my decision that I want to leave, just waiting for motivation to actually bite the bullet. Things are so comfortable at home but completely lacking in any joy, fun, love, cuddles etc. The relationship is completely dead. I'm scared of the unknown. Where would we live, could we afford it etc. I don't really know where to start.
I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but wanted you to know you are not alone. I'm in the same boat and want my children to grow up in a happier environment.

I've been in a similar position, I knew the relationship was over but was so sad to believe it, scared to give up my financial security and terrified what it would do to the kids. A week ago I finally ended it. We were having discussions as usual about how things are and it was going nowhere as usual and I just knew I couldn't carry on. He loves me so much and was saying how much he wants it to work and I just said no, I don't want to anymore. It's been a hellish week but under all the hurt and drama and the kids tears I feel euphoric and know it was the right thing. I think you just get to a point when you realise that life is too short and everyone deserves to live it to the fullest.

Welldone @hedgepeeg for finally doing it.

I went to counselling and she said I have so much going on in my life anyway, aside from this, it must be difficult for me to see the wood for the trees.

She told me to go easy on myself through January and reflect again after the month has gone by.

@rocketmanshine "Things are so comfortable at home but completely lacking in any joy, fun, love, cuddles etc. The relationship is completely dead." I feel much the same as you and also comfortable as I am.

I keep thinking about the upheaval this will have on the childrens lives also. Two of their after school activities would have to stop because it would mean nobody would be at home to make dinner and them going to bed really late. Having to cart the 3 year old to the eldest's gymnastics lessons 40 minutes away... I just can't see how separating can work logistically without turning everything they love upside down.

Hello op. Wouldn't the dc be taken to clubs by their df?
I see he has checked out of the marriage but how is he with the dc? What are your thoughts and his thoughts on visits, school holidays and overnights?
Have you stated that he would be using his annual leave to have the dc?
There is a lot to consider. Nothing wrong with taking your time.