Emotionally abusive ex using DD to hurt me?

[Blueeyes91]

Hello,

Hoping for some advice. (Aren't we all).

Back in April 2021 I ended the relationship with my emotionally abusive partner. We have a 3 year old (almost 4) daughter.

In October 2021 I moved an hour away from where we lived after he refused to move. I tried to stay locally but it didn't work out.

When I you'd him we were moving he told me I couldn't, said he would sue me for custody, our daughter would be taken from me, promised it would end badly for me.

For 2 months I got threatening emails, telling mehe was taking me to court. I finally got an email from court. Spoke to cafcass and now we're going to mediation.

He's making out to cafcass and court like he has no access to our DD. He sees her every other weekend and I have offered additional time too. He either ignores the offer or turns it down.

He's introduced our DD to his new parter and children. They were introduced in October just after we moved. All I hear is chat about them. And never a mention of her dad.

When she comes back from her dad's she tells me things like my dad's dead (which is try), but that he died cos he smoked... not true.
She tells me I'm always grumpy with her because daddy said so.

She's just home after a week and a bit with him and today she told me she didn't like me. It was quite random, so I just said... oh, whys that?... we were watching tv at the time.
She then said, lots of people don't like you. Then told me that she was told she's not allowed to like me and that the new gfs kids told her.

I have my initial mediation appointment tomorrow. Without the ex. And I don't know what to do. I feel like my daughter being used to hurt me. That her lovely little head is getting confused and I just feel like the more I try to get on with my life and be happy the more it's affecting and in the long run hurting her.

Anyone been through similar who can offer advise? Emotionally I am done and I just don't know what to do anymore.

Document everything - the times he sees her, the times you offer contact and he doesn’t accept etc. so he can’t accuse you of parental alienation. I really doubt he will push for having your DD a majority of the time. I assume you will end up with an agreed/more formal childcare arrangement though. The good news is that you are an hour away from him and hopefully she is settled in a nursery/similar. I would stress this to cafcass and any other benefits of your current location (that is advantageous to your DD eg near family, easier commute so more time with her etc) it is all about what is best for the child. Also tell cafcass what DD has been saying and how concerned you are about how this is impacting her, that you have the impression she is not spending much time with him, being cared for by others (perhaps too quick to introduce them etc.)

Regarding his behaviour your DD is being used to get at you but sounds like you are doing a great job of being neutral in your response to her and all you can do is keep reenforcing good behaviour. She will parrot that back to daddy (and it will hopefully stick too) ie ‘mummy says it’s important to be kind to everyone’ and ‘people can make up their own mind about who they like and don’t like‘. Correct lies e.g. about grandad, but never criticise your ex. Unfortunately it’s early days and it’s a long game. She will eventually see through him.

On a positive note he has a new gf + her kids which are a good distraction - less time to focus on punishing you for leaving him. And btw leaving him is the best thing you could EVER have done for your DD. Be very proud of yourself - it is not easy and sounds like you are doing an amazing job. Good luck tomorrow.

I think you have to be careful to put your daughter’s needs first, here.

Moving an hour away is a bit of an arsehole move, to be honest. It means that, either your daughter is travelling for at least 4 hours a week or she sees less of her father. And, when she is a teenager, and her life revolves around her friends, it will be very hard for her father to remain involved.

What he is telling her is awful, albeit understandable. I guess it is kind of quid pro quo for your move; neither of you putting your daughter’s needs first.

Go to mediation with an honest and open mind. Listen to what both your ex and the mediator is saying and aim to come to an agreement where both parents can move forward to a positive co-parenting relationship.This will involve compromise on both sides.

Of course, I write the above based on the little info contained in your OP. If there is a massive back story, that could easily change what I advise.

Thanks @Spinning247 unfortunately we've already had cafcass and are at the mediation stage now. I have been documenting everything for nearly 2 years now. So I will continue doing this.
It's just so draining constantly fixing lies. But you're right. One day it will help her. Thank you.

@TheReluctantPhoenix I'm sorry that you think moving 1 hour away was an arsehole move on my part. It was the right thing to do for me and my daughter.
I looked for months in the area I lived and no one would let me rent because I didn't earn enough for that area.
As I said my ex refused to leave. My emotionally abusive ex. He has her every other weekend. He had that when I lived in the other place.

Perhaps moving 1 hour away is an arsehole move on my part. But given the emotional abuse, the threatening emails, the lie to court and cafcass that he has no contact, telling me I will lose my daughter if I move, telling her lies to hurt me... does that really make me an arsehole for making me and our DD safe?

He's been allowed to do all that and everything else involved with emotional abuse (because let's face it, you say emotional abuse, you know its bad). I haven't once denied him access or contact to our DD. I haven't once fought back. I have been doing everything I can to ensure there is continued contact. Despite the abuse I have received. I have not responded angrily. I have been kind. And every time I am kind it's thrown back in my face.

So if I'm the arsehole. Then hands up. I'm the arsehole.

The pp didn’t call you an arsehole. She was referring to the long move as an aggravating factor in your Co parenting arrangements. Which it generally is because it means long trips and difficult decisions for a child.

The simple fact that only now are you both going to mediation means that Co parenting is now on the agenda. The question you both have to ask is what do you want for your child. Not “you and your child” or “him and his child” but for the child.

All children have bonds with their parents. No matter what they say or are taught to say. Putting in conflict or barriers to that bond makes it stressful for a child. They don’t have the emotional intelligence to deal with the situation. It just gives them pain and guilt. That lasts a lifetime.

If you need to get support to learn how to manage his abuse then do so as you have a lifelong link that you won’t easily be removed. Learn to be assertive not reactive.

Be vigilant to parental alienation, which does need to be documented. Claiming it won’t be enough to reduce contact. And as a pp said, he can allege that the long move was alienation too.

Document everything! Always communicate with him via email or text so that you have copies of everything thats being said.. so that you can prove you've been offering him access and he's been turning it down.
Keep a written record of everything your daughter says she has been told to think and say about you etc... but make sure you don't engage in it yourself, just say 'oh thats sad' etc then leave it dont try and get more info or anything which could distress her.
Just make sure you have a paper trail of what is going on

OP has to live somewhere. An hour away isn’t ideal but neither is trying to live in a one bed flat with a child and still having no financial buffer because the rent is so high. Or sofa surfing for months while desperately hoping a rental application will be successful. She’s currently facilitating the exact same level of contact that her dd and ex had before the move. What are the courts going to do? Order her to magic up a suitable rental property 5 minutes away from her ex?