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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Child maintenance after pay rise

39 replies

Treezylover · 03/01/2022 11:59

Hi everyone, happy new year! I’m going round in circles with a situation and think i might benefit from the wisdom of the hive mind. I left my husband 3 years ago, at the time I was in a part time admin role earning less than 20k, and was the primary carer for our kids- in fact I’d only been in the world of work for 3 years after being a SAHM for 7 years since soon after uni. When I left I focused on increasing my salary as quickly as possible, took significant risks and obtained a job with a 40% pay rise. My ex has the kids 3 nights every two weeks, and has earned almost double what I have earned. He pays me CM of £900 a month, and remortgaged to provide me with a deposit for a house which was a clean break- I don’t want anything else from our divorce which has been amicable. We remain friends. Problem is he is older than me so his mortgage payments increased significantly, whereas mine are half his. I’ve just accepted a new job with a 50% salary increase which puts my salary on par with his. He keeps complaining about how ‘poor’ he is (this undeserved self pity is part of my reason for leaving).

He’s slightly outraged by my new salary as with his contributions I will have a higher income than him, but also I did initially intend to offer to reduce his CM payments. Now I’m having doubts about this gesture though. He doesn’t put anything away in savings for the kids, doesn’t treat them, and wouldn’t save the extra if I accepted reduced payments. If I kept his payments the same I could save considerably for them. Part of me also feels that I have earned my salary increases through risk, blood, sweat and tears, and he had no concerns about me earning less than him when he provided me with an allowance for years whilst I raised his kids. Is that bitter? I want to be kind but I’m also tired of being a mug. Wwyd?

OP posts:
MintMe · 03/01/2022 12:10

You have earned it. I highly doubt he'd be rushing to up his CM payments so you're both on a par, so why should you?

Congratulations on working so hard and securing such a good future for yourself and your children.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 03/01/2022 12:14

You’ve done brilliantly. His payments are based on his income, so he should pay (at least) what the system says.

Stop telling him your private business though inc salary.

Akire · 03/01/2022 12:15

I would consider reducing slightly if his mortgage is massive due to having remortgage IF he’s paying above and beyond the mim CM calculations.

£900 would assume he’s on a really good wage if that’s 15%. If he’s paying 40% income and genuinely struggling there would be scope for some wiggle room.

averythinline · 03/01/2022 12:23

Good for you in getting promoted after such a gap - I've done similar and know how hard it can be ......why does he know how much you earn? none of his business anymore.

what he pays is based on his income and the amount of time he looks after dc- if he wants to reduce payments he will need to do more looking after the DC - if it could work for them..

you maybe still be getting on ok but need higher boundaries I think- you dont have to listen to all his woe is me moaning anymore - so don't......

ancientgran · 03/01/2022 12:28

Well done on getting your career on track and on having what sounds like a civilised divorce, so much better for the children if you can do that.

Financially I think it is up to you but I just wonder how he knows what your payrise is, maybe don't share so much information as it can lead to complications.

Good luck with it all whatever you decide.

Original poster
Treezylover · 03/01/2022 15:20

Thanks all- we’ve remained very close friends, and the boundaries have been very blurred, we’ve discussed getting back together but it’s not something I really deeply want and so I’m trying to re establish boundaries, with his knowledge, as part of my New Years resolution. We are very much in each other’s pockets and I need to draw a line under us- you’re all right, he doesn’t need to know, except I know his salary as we haven’t gone through the CMS, his salary fluctuates so we work out the payments year to year. He definitely wouldn’t make efforts to increase his payments- I had to force him to tell me his salary last year. And he pays the minimum CMS that he needs to based on his salary and childcare amounts.

Thank you for your kind words, I’m proud of myself but also questioning why I feel guilt that I’ve become on a par with him- he’s never ever felt that!

OP posts:
Blendiful · 03/01/2022 18:16

If he’s paying the minimum he should. Then no it shouldn’t be reduced. Kids cost money and you have them the majority, and costs only get higher! You would be footing your own part of this, plus some of his. He’s paying what his kids cost, in comparison to how much he has them and how much he earns.

I imagine he also gets the priveledge of working as and when he wants/needs given he only has them 3 days a fortnight, you have worked up to the same as him whilst still juggling 3x the amount of childcare he has to! So don’t feel bad!

He’s not paying the money for you it’s for the kids. So if you don’t need the money, yes, save it. Don’t let him have it back if he won’t spend it on the kids.

millymolls · 03/01/2022 19:50

Yours earnings are not relevant really. Cms is based on his and number of nights. It’s quite simple. In a way he should be pleased you are earning more as your child will have a better standard of living

FutureExH · 03/01/2022 19:56

First of all, I can understand his frustration to a limited extent. Presumably at the outset there was an assumption by all parties including the mediator that your future earning capacity was going to be lower than it turned out to be. Well done for doing better than that, but it doesn't alter the fact that your ex probably gave up more of the assets than he should have done (e.g. actually you have the same mortgage raising capacity if not higher because you are younger, but he's the one with housing costs twice the size of yours) and will be smarting about that.

As to income, a quick calculation. You earned £20k and this rose by 40% so presumably that's £28k and then rose again by 50% so presumably £42k. So with child maintenance that's what, about £43k net? He meanwhile must be a higher earner on about £75k. About £52k take home that drops to around £41k take home after he pays child maintenance.

Honestly, I wouldn't complain in his situation because his £41k is for him whereas your £43k is for you and the kids. Certainly in your situation I would stop claiming child benefit so that he didn't have to pay the higher tax charge but otherwise I don't think he has grounds to complain when it comes to income.

Also, your income will drop substantially to around £32k when your children turn 18. I don't know how old your ex is but potentially his will rise by £10k for a while before retirement. So I still think I'd prefer to be in his situation than yours income wise to be honest!

SeasonFinale · 03/01/2022 19:59

If he is paying what CMS would make him pay then no. If he is paying more then maybe. If he is paying less then absolutely no.

He pays based on his income not yours!

LethargicActress · 03/01/2022 20:03

All the messed up boundaries between you should be irrelevant when it comes to child maintenance money. Take the money, save it for your kids if you don’t need to use it.

JaniceBattersby · 03/01/2022 20:18

Your income is higher but you have the kids 11 nights out of 14 which is a) substantially more expensive and b) likely to have an effect on your earning potential over the course of your life (ie you wouldn’t be able to take regular work trips abroad, or take certain types of jobs etc)

I’m sure he can manage on his salary with only himself to worry about.

Original poster
Treezylover · 03/01/2022 20:26

Thank you everyone, I will actually be on around 60k and he 70k, I think I’m uncomfortable as I was so used to having to ask for anything when we were married, and now I don’t need to rely on him I feel guilt. Like I said it would never be reciprocated but I still feel for him as he is kind of stuck in a job due to his salary that stops him seeing the kids as much but he also has high costs because of it. I know it’s not my problem but I’m still always trying to fix his issues and make life better for him. Thanks for the steer - sometimes I go too far and make things harder for myself to enable other people.

OP posts:
winterchills · 03/01/2022 20:39

You should never have told him about your new salary. It's not his business. But I think you should keep the child maintenance the same and have a paper trail of you putting the savings away for the children so you can show him and them if he starts to be an arse

alwayswrighty · 03/01/2022 20:47

Actually, I disagree with winterchills. If he is paying minimum cms there is no need to keep a paper trail of what you do with it.

I do agree that you should now draw a firm line and not overshare with him.

millymolls · 03/01/2022 21:12

Not that it’s relevant here re cms but if he lost most of his assets based on the fact you were part time, had lower earnings capacity and ‘sacrificed’ your career then I can understand why he’s miffed
But that is unfortunate for him and doesn’t change his cms liability

Original poster
Treezylover · 03/01/2022 22:08

We haven’t been through financial mediation, we just agreed an amount that we thought was fair and so that I’d have a low enough mortgage that I could afford to not rely on him for anything except CM payments.

OP posts:
LargeProsecco · 03/01/2022 22:17

Would he consider having the children another night or two a week, which means he'd pay less maintenance & you'd get more of a break?

millymolls · 04/01/2022 09:37

Do you have a clean break consent order?

Original poster
Treezylover · 04/01/2022 11:03

No we’ve not been through any legal process, just waiting to finalise the divorce but need to have been to mediation. He can’t really do any more nights with the kids unless he lost his night in the pub which he would never give up, so his time with them is fairly fixed although he does have them when he’s on annual leave. I think I just need to think about this as in what’s best for the kids, and stop thinking anything can fix him or make him happy, it clearly can’t! Thanks everyone

OP posts:
vivainsomnia · 04/01/2022 11:10

I don't expect the kids cost £1800 a month, so it would indeed be fair to agree a monthly figure and to put everything above into a saving account for them. He can't then complain as his kids are the sole beneficiaries.

millymolls · 04/01/2022 11:12

Well he may now find he dies not need to give up as many assets as he did previously now your earnings are high
Cms will stay the same though

LargeProsecco · 04/01/2022 12:42

If he's not prepared to have them more, then take the money & it's none of his business what you use it for

KiloWhat · 04/01/2022 12:46

Take what you are owed. It is for your kids.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 04/01/2022 13:26

You still earn less than him.

He still has a legal and moral duty to provide child maintenance for his DC - which is the bare minimum amount.

It doesn’t bloody matter how much you earn.