Has anyone had to navigate visiting grandparents when ex arrested because you called the police?

[AllChange2022]

The grandparents already hate me as it is because although they acknowledge their son did wrong, they hate me for speaking out.

But the DC love their grandparents and miss them. I hate that the grandparents would die and the DC never see them again in their childhood.

I was wondering if anyone a ever been in remotely the same place and how they managed it - or more to the point, how they helped their DC navigate through this terrible loss.

Or, is it possible they could somehow still visit, but just in a safe place and under supervision?

How do the dc currently see their grandparents and why does that have to change?

Do the kids not see dad any more?

perhaps someone could mediate?

or meet in a public place so everyone is on their best behaviour?

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

How do the dc currently see their grandparents and why does that have to change?

They don't.

Grandparents had a problem with me telling all about their son, and so said I'm not invited to visit with the children. Divorce has started but we all live together still so it's all hasn't really done anything except on paper. The children don't want to visit GP's without me so haven't been for months and yet they're missing them.

So as not to drip-feed, grandparents have bad mouthed me in front of the children before (they must've thought DC weren't listening) which is one reason they don't want to go without me. They just want peace!

Meanwhile, I’ve had to contact DV support for injunction and occupational order, which led to police report and this is going to go to court now.

The children phoned Grandparents to thank them for their Christmas presents and missed them as soon as they heard their voices. Got me thinking how things will look when we go to court and when their son has an injunction clapped on him in about a week's time.

I want what's right for the children and would put up with the GP's if they wanted to see the children but only if the Dc really wanted to. I'm pretty sure they eventually will because they've already talked about wanting to visit them before they die of old age.

@MrsBertBibby

Do the kids not see dad any more?

In the first instance it will be heavily supervised I am guessing because there is an injunction going in against him for DV for EA towards them.

I am also not sure whether the police report that will contain sexual coercion (me, not the children) could be taken as rape, and in which case I have proof of his rather angry 'apology' for this. If it's rape charge he could go to prison.

I think it’s lovely you want to kids to see their grandparents but for this to happen the grandparents need to cooperate which they don’t appear to be doing so far. If they bad mouth you now they will continue to do so. Do you really want your kids to witness their bad behaviour?

I agree with a PP. It's probably not a good idea to facilitate contact with grandparents if they are hostile towards you and slagging you off to or in front of the kids.

If you let the gp’s see dc perhaps it should only be after a phone conversation with gp (out of earshot of dc), where you tell them that you will be accompanying the children and that nobody is to badmouth either you or their father at all.

That you don’t want any bad feeling communicated to dc about their parents and that if they are happy with this then you will facilitate a supervised visit.

If not then it’s game over.

I'm not even sure the GP's care too much either way, but the children do, and my focus is on them.

It did cross my mind that they may be tempted to continue bad-mouthing me, but they do appear to have tried to stop that more recently, which is why I was feeling more open toward facilitating this. I'd stop at the first hint of trouble though.

Given your circumstances I would suggest that you need to accept that your DC are unlikely to see your inlaws in the near future, if ever. Perhaps try and strengthen relationships with your own family members and build an active busy life for your DC so that they do not actively miss the inlaw GPs as much.

Have the police opened a sexual assault investigation?

Coerced sex is rape, they're the same thing in law, but investigating, charging and convicting sexual offences is long and complex.

Do you have an IDVA and an ISVA?

@Redburnett

Given your circumstances I would suggest that you need to accept that your DC are unlikely to see your inlaws in the near future, if ever. Perhaps try and strengthen relationships with your own family members and build an active busy life for your DC so that they do not actively miss the inlaw GPs as much.

This. Your inlaws are not going to stop bad mouthing you, especially after the court appearance . If they are nasty about you now, they'll be a lot worse if their son ends up in jail .

As the previous poster says, you'd be better of fostering relationships between your children and other family members / other friends. Think of it as if you'd moved a long way away from them - the children might miss them but if it's impossible to visit , you get on with life and the memories gradually fade.

Well done on your bravery and your determination in putting the children first. I think your focus would be better on 'supporting children who miss the GPs' rather than trying to get the GPs to see them. The DC miss the sort of times that sadly aren't going to happen again because the inlaws don't have the same interests at heart.

@user15364596354862

Do you have an IDVA and an ISVA?

I had to Google what they are, which probably gives us both my answer!

@MoiraNotRuby

Well done on your bravery and your determination in putting the children first. I think your focus would be better on 'supporting children who miss the GPs' rather than trying to get the GPs to see them. The DC miss the sort of times that sadly aren't going to happen again because the inlaws don't have the same interests at heart.

I fear you are right.

Thank you all for pointing this out, I need to think about helping them grieve the loss of grandparents before they've died.