Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Flip

Original poster

Anyone around? Stbxh and safeguarding children

14 replies

Levithecat · 31/12/2021 14:59

DH has significant mental health problems and was alcohol dependent - drinking in secret for over five years before I found out. I couldn’t rebuild trust with him as suspected he was still drinking, and we agreed to separate in June. We have been living together but recently agreed to take turns staying in the family home with the children (3 and 8) after I found out he had started a very intense ‘serious’ relationship.

He was just away with children and I found litres of empty vodka bottles in the garage. I didn’t tell him but checked his bag when he got home and found a full bottle in his rucksack. There is long and messy history with him gaslighting me, hiding debt etc.

I have said that i won’t allow him to have sole care of the children until he’s been in rehab. He is furious with me and says he can just stop, do breathalysers etc. and that he’s drinking because of the stress of living together.
my ideal outcome is he truly sorts himself out so that we can move to full shared care, as we had planned before I found out he was drinking again. I think just having counselling etc won’t cut it. He can afford rehab and his work would happily give him the time.

I know I can’t make him go, but can I insist on staying in the house (was due to move out on 5th Feb into rented and do 50/50 shared care) and not leaving him alone with the kids? I don’t trust him one ounce even though I know he loves them. He has drunk when in sole charge of them, though is very much a ‘functional alcoholic’ and I imagine just takes sips throughout the day to blur the edges and help him avoid any f’king accountability for this mess.

Any advice please? My gut says I need to be super tough to safeguard the children. Would a solicitor agree? Am I right?

OP posts:

Jellycatspyjamas · 31/12/2021 21:21

It depends, if you’re looking for a court order you’d need to have evidence that he represents a safeguarding risk to the kids. The drinking alone won’t be enough, you’d need to show that he doesn’t care for them to a safe enough standard ie that they were unsupervised when he’s been drinking, that he’s driven with them in the car under influence, that they’ve had an avoidable accident in his care while he’s been drinking. The bar to removing children from a parent is pretty high, for obvious reasons.

You might be better negotiating contact with him that’s supervised or supported in some way, eg he cares for them at his parents, or meets them in a public place - he might agree to that as a temporary measure.

In terms of rehab, places are hard to come by and are both expensive and lengthy - usually a good few weeks which may threaten his employment. A good recovery service (not just counselling), supported by social services, can be an excellent option and also means social workers have an eye on what’s happening with the kids.

Terminallysleepdeprived · 31/12/2021 21:25

How does the alcohol effects his behaviour and what ages are your kids?

If he isn't a violent drunk and the kids are teens then I would be less concerned. If he is violent or the kids are young then I would be stopping all unsupervised contact immediately

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 31/12/2021 21:33

“ He is furious with me and says he can just stop, do breathalysers etc. ”

Yes of course he can! Call his bluff on this and suggest you do something with the kids together for the day, he won’t last a couple of hours.

Original poster

Levithecat · 31/12/2021 21:38

Thanks all, and for the practical advice, @Jellycatspyjamas. Kids are 3 and 8. There are instances where his drinking/drink related behaviour has impacted the kids and I do suspect he’s driven with them like that, but I have no proof.

I have no interest in stopping him seeing them/removing them from him, and honestly I really want to get to a point of full shared care with him, but I need to be able to trust him for that.

I guess I do need to be open to a non-residential option for him, but I just need whatever happens to work.

OP posts:

Original poster

Levithecat · 31/12/2021 21:40

I guess I don’t understand what right I have to demand he seek treatment (ideally the most impactful) or insist he doesn’t have them under sole charge

OP posts:

Waftypants · 31/12/2021 21:42

Does he drive the kids around?

Terminallysleepdeprived · 31/12/2021 21:47

@Levithecat

I guess I don’t understand what right I have to demand he seek treatment (ideally the most impactful) or insist he doesn’t have them under sole charge

You cannot force him to get treatment. But as their kthe roarent you cam absolutely refuse him unsupervised access if you deem his drinking to be a threat to them.

He can take you to court and a court can force him to get treatment.

You need to stop worrying about his feelings and focus on the fact you are protecting your kids.

Jellycatspyjamas · 31/12/2021 22:02

A court is very unlikely to force him to get treatment - if he’s basically functioning and has no driving convictions and is deemed to have capacity, they won’t remove his choice to seek/not seek treatment, there’s no legal basis to do so.

Terminallysleepdeprived · 31/12/2021 22:20

@Jellycatspyjamas

They can and do make treatment condition of contact orders. They have it within their powers to enforce supervised contact unless he gets treatment.

Jellycatspyjamas · 31/12/2021 23:10

They do but would need clear evidence that he poses an active risk, which the OP would need to provide ie that something harmful has already happened (or a near miss) which the OP has said she doesn’t have. And treatment can be as limited as addiction counselling or a 12 step programme which doesn’t sound like it’s what the OP thinks he needs.

Original poster

Levithecat · 31/12/2021 23:52

May I just recap for myself…

I can’t force stbxh to do anything
I can’t ban contact with kids (I don’t want to) and the bar is generally set high for this
I can insist he doesn’t have them in his sole care while I think there are risks. So, as we are now staying in the same house is ok but it’s ok for me to say he can’t have them overnight on his own for example.
I need proof if I want to formalise anything.

Sounds like I’ll need to be more flexible with what he wants to do treatment wise, and we’ll also need some sort of plan for moving towards shared care at some point. I’ll speak with my solicitor next week and see how that might work.

OP posts:

Original poster

Levithecat · 08/01/2022 09:08

Hello, I have an update and a question please.

I’ve had lots of advice, and DH also spoke to a solicitor. Although we both have parental responsibility, because he’s putting them at risk I can put things in place to safeguard the children.
DH and I are working out a plan. I think he accepts that the children will need to be with me FT initially, and I think he’ll agree to scheduled hair strand tests and he’s started seeing an addiction counsellor.

Our children were expecting to be between us 50/50. I move into my new house in 3 weeks and they’ll need to come with me. How do we explain this change? They’re only little (3 and 8) so it’s not appropriate to tell the truth.

OP posts:

Terminallysleepdeprived · 08/01/2022 15:59

Be as honest as age appropriately as possible.

I have a similar issue with dd and her dad. He is lazy. Doesn't get up with dd, doesn't attend to her medical needs, doesn't feed her appropriately (has food allergies and will feed her stuff that contains allergens because it doesn't occur to him to check). I stopped all overnight contact. My explanation went something along the lines of

"Life is about choices and Sometimes we make good choices and Sometimes we make bad choices. It is a mummy and daddy's job to make sure our choices mean you are safe and looked after. Sometimes it's hard to do and at the moment daddy is struggling to make sure that his choices are keeping you safe so for now you can't stay the night with daddy. You will still are him and spend time with him but you need to come home to mummy at night."

Terminallysleepdeprived · 08/01/2022 16:04

Sorry pressed post instead of preview.

She was 6 so it was a bit different. I gave her examples of food and that leaving her to fend for herself wasn't appropriate and if she had fallen and hurt herself then no one could have helped her.

Don't use illness as a reason though. Just explain that this isn't to hurt them but to protect them. They will still see their daddy but that as their mummy you have to make sure that they are always safe and looked after and sometimes that means you have to make hard choices.

Flip