Separation not gone how expected

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Hi,

I made the decision to separate from my husband in July. To put a long story short he had a history of massaging other women inappropriately, probably cheated although I have no concrete evidence just hearsay, gambling, compulsively lying and his parents were an absolute nightmare that he would not stand up to. We were together for 9 years and married 4 and I had enough. He was really upset initially and begged me to reconsider but this had been going on for a few months, he even went to stay at his friends for 2 weeks in April came back and claimed it had changed him but it did not. He ended up moving to his friends a few weeks after I told him I wanted to separate. He messaged me all the time saying he'd go to counselling on his own (we'd tried marriage counselling), he'd stay at his friends for as long as it took to win us back and he was going to try so hard. I'd heard it all before so didn't put my hopes on it.

After a couple of weeks of him being moved out his whole attitude changed. He turned very nasty towards me, he'd come over and shout and swear at me or call me names in front of our kids. Our eldest who is 7 would feel very uncomfortable and often ask him why he was speaking to me like that. Over the months things got slowly worse. I worked evenings and when we were together that was fine, once we separated he would still come over after work and do what he usually did with the kids (give them tea and put them to bed) then he'd go back to his friends once I was home. He started to tell me he didn't want to 'help' me and I'd have to find someone else, he'd do this if I said something he didn't like so I'd have to ask a friend to watch the kids he would then go mad and say I was keeping them away from him when I wasn't he was the one saying he wasn't coming so i was left with no choice. He did this a few times.

He also hated that I was living in the family home and he wasn't. He would try everything to get me out. Obviously as I knew I could not afford the mortgage I looked to rent a place but for him I wasn't going quick enough. One day at the end of October he left his work in the middle of the day saying he was coming to throw me out claiming he'd had enough of me laughing at him whilst I sat in the house. I don't understand why he thinks the house only belongs to him when it was our family home but i assume because my name is not on the deeds he decided to claim it was his which was news to me as he'd always said when we were together it didn't matter. He sent me hundreds of threatening messages, he came to the door banging and kicking it (I'd locked the doors once I realised he was coming). I was needing to leave to collect our son from school but I didn't want to open the door so I called my friend to collect him , she heard him at the door and told me to phone the police. I was hesitant but I did. Obviously them coming angered him even further but he was told to stop and go away or there'd be serious consequences. He continued on with the abusive messages and the next day claimed I'd have to phone the police again as he was coming back. My friend had ended up staying over and urged me to contact the police again so I did. They came out and spoke to me and my friend then they asked if they could read all my messages to which I agreed. They then took the decision to arrest him, I was really upset and asked them not to but they said it was up to them. I felt so bad but the police assured me that it was a consequence of his own actions and he had already been warned which he had ignored. He was and still is on bail conditions meaning he cannot directly contact me or is allowed on the street or in the house.

Ever since this happened life has been a nightmare . I had to get signed off work, my 7 year old has struggled massively. He's met someone else not even 6 months since we split, barely bothers with the kids which is what gets me. He was a good dad when we were together so I don't get it. I'm constantly offering contact through our solicitors and he doesnt bother much. He goes out all the time. He's trying to make sure I get nothing out of our separation in regards to the house. I just can't wrap my head around how horrible he's been and especially the lack of effort with our kids. It's tearing me up and broken my heart. When we split I so badly wanted us to be friends and told our son we'd still be able to do things together at weekends, it never happened. My son stuggles a lot and my ex has been told he needs to start thinking of the kids but he doesn't. I just wonder if things will ever get better or if he's just going to end up completely out the picture. I'm absolutely heartbroken it didn't end the way I had imagined. Has anyone else had a similar situation and it get better?

Please get yourself a good lawyer that specialises in family law. And do it as soon as you can.
Although you are separated, you are still married and you have rights. Good luck

I have a lawyer already. Everything goes through them

I know how hurt and disappointed you are in his behaviour. You have no way of making him step up. How he behaves is on him. And all this is achieving is a massive impact in your mental health. Stop now. Put you and your ds first.

You have legal support be guided by them.

Have you got counselling for you? Have a look for low cost options in your area. Ask school for emotional support for your son

You are your own family unit now. Focus on how forfilling that can be. Film nights on the sofa. Park trips and picnics. Just focus on what you have control over.

My kids dad dropped off the face of the earth for a while. That was on him. He has to look the children in the eye at some point and explain to them his actions. He currently has new gf and we have super dad in action. Long may it last. But I took a hands off approach towards him a long time ago. He either chooses to step up or doesn't. I don't care either way.

You need to concentrate on you and your son as your family. Just you two.
Don’t make promises to your son about his dad, you were never going to go out together at weekends etc. If his dad promises to see him and he doesn’t turn up, let it happen, let him fail. Don’t make excuses for his behaviour, or make promises that won’t happen.
Just move forward in life with you two, if he sees his dad and has a nice time that’s a positive. But dad takes him out, don’t have him in your house.

Tbh what you've put in your post is the standard script for a type of man you'll be very glad you got rid of. He's a dick, you can't make him step up. He's lost control and didn't like it. In his head you've ruined his life, not that he's facing consequences for his own actions.

You didn't take him back in the allocated time frame in his head, so punishment it is.

What will actually happen is he will lose his kids respect in the long run. Short term hurt for you but long term rejection for him.

Focus on your bairn, if his dad wants to fuck it up its on him. Eventually things will calm down.

Thank you everyone.

I know I'm dwelling on it far too much, my son was always a massive daddys boy so takes it out on me. Saying he'd rather I left and he would rather live with him etc. I knew he was a shitty husband but always felt he was amazing with our kids. We have a 2 year old daughter too which he bothers with even less. He has only had her alone twice in nearly 6 months purely cos I told him he had to. The worst part is his parents who had a massive impact on our relationship/me were like this with our daughter and be used to get upset about it yet is doing the exact same thing. He claims all over fb how much he loves them and tells people that all the time but why does he barely bother. I'm so disappointed he has went and met someone else so soon as well, we are not even in our respective properties yet (I am moving out next month) which will be a massive change for our son and he will need a lot of reassurance and stability yet I feel this girl will take up a lot of his time.

I was very naive when we split thinking we'd be best friends. We split in 2013 before we had kids and we got on, although I think that was mostly driven by him wanting me back as we eventually got back together. In April when he moved our again he was putting in tonnes of effort with the kids but my friend thinks thats cos he knew I'd take him back. It makes sense cos when I officially ended it in July he was nice for 2 weeks then when that was up he changed his tune completely. I guess he figured I was serious. Don't get why he promised to change and is now doing whatever to make life hell. He fully blames me for his arrest too.

I go to counselling (I started going on my own to the marriage counselling) and my son is getting help through the school and women's aid which is due to start next month. My ex actually told me putting him to counselling was going to mess him up and he'd have problems forever like me 🙄

I just need to try and accept that this hasn't ended how I imagined. I don't understand why anyone would want to have this constant drama, would it not be easier and in everyone's best interest to get along for the kids :(

Everything is chaotic at the moment, thanks to the immature and totally unresponsible actions of your ex, but it will settle down, stay strong, focus solely on creating a better way of life for you and your children. You can get through this.
One day in the future your son will thank you for leaving , he is still so young, but you and your children stand a much better chance now.
If a man is capable of behaving in such a way because things havent gone the way he wanted you are all best rid of him.
You sometimes dont get the fresh start you think you will, but l wouldn't determine the future based on where you are today, children dont neccesarily need two parents, one good one is more than enough.

I so hope things settle down. I feel wracked with guilt I didn't choose a better father but I genuinely felt he was amazing and everyone else thought so too. He was a shitty husband which was obvious but then sometimes he'd be amazing. I remember during lockdown he was furloughed for 10 weeks it was the best time. He put so much effort into us all. But that was because he couldn't do anything else. Football is his biggest priority and that wasn't on, he couldn't gamble and he wasn't seeing his friends. I said if only he could be like that with us all the time then we'd not have any problems. I just hope something clicks and he wises up.

His parents were a total nuisance in our relationship and very controlling, once I stuck up for myself they hated it. Last year they claimed I had taken their son away from everyone and then I'd leave him just for a laugh, I remember my ex saying when I told him it was over he'd cut them out forever but low and behold he's back best friends with them and they are probably telling him that they were right about me and he'll believe it so he doesn't have to take the blame.

OP, similar to my situation and it's been going on for over 5 years ☹️ Your ex can't separate the children from how he feels about you, so if you're out of sight and out of mind, then so are they. He sounds very very angry and is punishing you, and, in doing so, punishing the children, but he doesn't see it like that. My son is/ was very close to his Dad and has given me so much trouble (social worker etc)

But you can't control or influence what he does, you just have to concentrate on being the best parent you can be, and dodge round any deliberate acts of sabotage. You'll get over the disappointment and get into a routine of your own, and he'll either step up or he won't, but in the meantime you and the kids are getting on with, and enjoying, life.

He sounds appalling, but it is very clear that your expectations were unrealistic. You were never going to be best friends, or do things together on the weekend, and it was never wise to assure your DC that this would happen. Yes it would make more sense, but even with a much better man, that is not how divorce ends.

What will happen is that you will find a way forward and cope with the reality, and the counseling (for you and your DS) will help with this.

Ignore Heartbroker they are an idiot.
Op this us very common.
Men often shack up with the first thing that comes along.
Plenty of men are arseholes and your dh is one of them. You can’t change him you can only decide how you behave.
Your child will grow to realise that his dad is a dick.

You need to stop hoping for something to change. You and your children are now your family - your ex may never be part of that again. Mine wasn't - it's been 18 years and he sees his kids once a year at Christmas. He has grandchildren and he wouldn't recognise them if they passed him on the street.

I too thought "we can be friends" but it never happened. The man who was such a good dad when we were married, checked out almost instantly, found a new partner within a few weeks, and moved on.

You really need to face the truth - don't let your kids think their father is going to change, do nice things on the weekend , etc. It sets them up for horrible disappointment. Give them a nice life with just you and them - if their father decides to see them it'll be a bonus but don't ever make promises on his behalf. Good luck.

Thanks everyone. I realise now my expectations were unrealistic I just thought his love for his kids would be enough to make him want to stay friends with me. I know most couples never remain friends but the ones that do their children are much better off.

When I get angry he thinks it's cos of what happened between us, he says things like I'm over you now and don't love you and I say I don't care its not about that it's the kids that gets me upset. Not long after his arrest he sent a message through my friend saying he was sorry for swearing at me but could we still speak cos it would tear him apart not being able to contact his kids. It was too soon and he did a lot more than swear so I said I wasnt ready to look passed it yet and he did a lot more than swear at me. Instead of accepting that he just came back and said well he didn't react like that for no reason I basically made him which I never did. He had it in his head that I was never planning on moving out and I had forced him out and was sat in the house laughing but that was not the case. I was not prepared to take just any flat for me and the kids, we come from a lovely home and I was not going to take just anything and the wait has been worth it as I have a very nice flat for us to move to. My neighbours are so angry with him and all they can see is a man throwing out his wife and kids, he should be asking if there's anyway we can stay here. All he's cared about is getting 'his' house back. I do hope once he's back in things will settle but I doubt it as he's going to be so hard up trying to pay all the bills himself he will have no life which is something he won't cope with.

I wish his parents were normal and could put him on the right path but instead they just feed into and wind him up. When we split my dad reached out and said he won't take sides and would support us both but my ex threw it in his face and told him where to go. My family were always much more supportive towards him even when he didn't deserve it, his own parents were so mentally abusive to him yet he's right back there using them.

I think once we move out me and the kids can start our new life together properly.

@GoodnightGrandma

You need to concentrate on you and your son as your family. Just you two. Don’t make promises to your son about his dad, you were never going to go out together at weekends etc. If his dad promises to see him and he doesn’t turn up, let it happen, let him fail. Don’t make excuses for his behaviour, or make promises that won’t happen. Just move forward in life with you two, if he sees his dad and has a nice time that’s a positive. But dad takes him out, don’t have him in your house.

What about her other child?

@Heartbroker

You started this so I don’t think you can have any complaints.

So if someone chooses to leave a bad marriage (which the OP has referenced gambling , toxic behaviour and several other horrendous behaviours) they should be threatened , harassed, have their children be dismissed?

What on actual earth is wrong with you? Seriously get some help.

I can totally understand why you feel so heartbroken and disappointed. One assumes parents put children first whatever happens. I mean they are divorcing each other and not the children. Your ex is simply not the person you hoped he was and now his true colours are showing which to me means he is not going to change and he will not get any less difficult to deal with, in fact prepare yourself for worse if he thinks of anything else to do to you. What he does with his parents and in his own life are all beyond your control no matter how bad. It will be easier for you if you accept this and instead focus on your children who need you more than ever and taking care of yourself - I'm glad you're getting counselling for yourself and son. Also be kind to yourself. I have been in a similar situation and I'm afraid to say, no it did not get any better despite every effort.

I just really hope your solicitor is excellent and will help you fight for what is fair for your children and yourself.

Just hold the bus a tiny second. I'm glad you've found a flat but what is your lawyer saying about the house? It's half yours - you were married, it doesn't matter what the deeds say. If you move out you lose all the leverage you have - he'll scoot straight back in, won't sell it, won't buy you out and with his gambling history is very likely to lose it completely. This is the only asset you have for you and your children so please get good advice before you move out!

Please stop guiltripping yourself. Do you really think that a guy who behaves in such dreadfully horrendous way is a good father and a good model for your kids? Really? What kind of warped sense of parenthood is that???

The police doesn’t go and arrest nasty husbands for silly stuff, no matter what you tell them and specially if you are asking them no to arrest. Your husband is far more abusive and dangerous than you are prepared to accept.

Once you are used to the abuse you are also used to find a way to justify his actions to help you and your kids to go though the abuse. You really need to get out of this way of thinking for your sake and your kids’ or at least learn to ignore the little voice in your mind telling you to understand, appease and even care for your ex’s needs when all his actions should be warning you to protect yourself and kids and ignore what your ex wants or needs.

A parent who reacts like that when you put a stop to unacceptable behaviour, is not a good parent, in fact he never was or would be. I wouldn’t be surprised if after a few months you look back and realise that all that stuff you saw as “good parenting” was actually more like a person playing with a toy and shelving it out of view as soon as he got bored or had more interesting stuff to do like cheating or not helping you raise the kids.

@GoGoGretaDoll

Just hold the bus a tiny second. I'm glad you've found a flat but what is your lawyer saying about the house? It's half yours - you were married, it doesn't matter what the deeds say. If you move out you lose all the leverage you have - he'll scoot straight back in, won't sell it, won't buy you out and with his gambling history is very likely to lose it completely. This is the only asset you have for you and your children so please get good advice before you move out!

THIS!

he should be asking if there's anyway we can stay here. All he's cared about is getting 'his' house back. I do hope once he's back in things will settle

Again, you need to recognise that this is an unrealistic expectation. When a couple splits, it is each man for himself. I have never seen a husband voluntarily prioritise his ex wife's living situation, and that includes generally decent men, which your ex is not. And things do not improve when the dust settles - if anything they retract promises made at the time of parting. You seriously need to understand that he is not going to look after you or his DC - you will be the one who does that. Otherwise you will spend the next 18 years being repeatedly shocked and disappointed.

@GoGoGretaDoll

Just hold the bus a tiny second. I'm glad you've found a flat but what is your lawyer saying about the house? It's half yours - you were married, it doesn't matter what the deeds say. If you move out you lose all the leverage you have - he'll scoot straight back in, won't sell it, won't buy you out and with his gambling history is very likely to lose it completely. This is the only asset you have for you and your children so please get good advice before you move out!

Although the advice is often to stay with the children in the family home, it is not advised when staying might be putting the OP and kids in danger.

Another thing is that you need to be realistic, there is no point in fighting to keep the house if you can’t take over the mortgage on your own at the end of that battle (he won’t be ordered to contribute to the mortgage / provide spousal maintenance unless he is loaded).

Having that, it is worth fighting for a higher percentage of the equity of the house as much, as long and as hard as you can, as long as that extra money is not used mostly to pay solicitors’ fees.

Absolutely agree @GrandmasCat but staying in the house is the only leverage she has. For example, she could sell then leave, or at least get a proper agreement drawn up before she leaves. Because otherwise, with this kind of man, she's going to get nothing.

Heartbroker- are you my ex?? People are allowed to leave relationships especially abusive ones and not have to face consequences like the ones me and children have been put through.

So in terms of the house it is complicated . It is in his name along with his parents (one of their control tactics many years ago). I cannot stay here as I could not afford the mortgage. I have been getting help with UC since he left and even with that I would not manage. I fail to see how he can't give me anything, we are separating and eventually divorcing he has no choice but to give me something. I have rebuilt our lives without him so far, he took our family car off me as he pays the loan so therfore viewed it as his so I got my own car, I have got us a nice flat to go to. I can do this without him. I will fight for what I can but I just want to start over as well.