Can I just settle for less than is technically fair?

[Garysmum]

I am thinking of settling for 1/4 and giving ex H 3/4 of equity and cash and excluding pensions. (His is 5x more than mine)

Ex wants to remain in house and has children 60:40 due to remaining in that house. I live somewhere much smaller and children don't like it. I was previously the main carer and hence still earn significantly less but enough to live off.

The children's home is really important to them if you ask them. I'm not going to take that away. I have health issues and don't know how long I will be in a fit state to be parent (should be decades but god knows what virus will come along and finish me off.)

I am aware that this situation may seem inequitable but it's what I want. I will have to move to a smaller place still if I have to pay child maintenance which is fine.
I am aware some judges might not like this situation but if they award me more - can I just give it all back immediately?

No that would be stupid! You were the main carer so what will have changed for them to receive more?

It's not stupid other than financially. I don't want the house, but the children want to stay there. In order to facilitate that I am willing to give up a lot of money.

I earn enough to rent somewhere and live a reasonable life. This what everyone wants.

And he will be able to come after CMS maintenance for the DC.

What if you do live for 30-40 years with a shit pension instead of a decent share of his which you don't have to take now?

Surely he can afford to live in the house while still ensuring there is an equitable division of marital assets??

He clearly earns more than you.

Whose idea was this?? The only “everyone” should be you and your ex. The DC are too young to have an opinion.
I’m guessing this was his idea. IF you really want the kids to remain in the house then maybe you could agree to a 3/4 - 1/4 split of equity in the house, 50-50 cash and 1/4 to him 3/4 to you of pensions
As your kids get older it will upset them to see you much worse off than their dad
Also they may prefer to live with you later on. Don’t assume everything will change the same.

It's perfectly feasible that he cashes in his pension now to buy you out the house. He can't have it all ways.

It was my idea. I am not interested in money in the way my ex craves security. I just want the DC (who are teens) to have their home for longer.
The mortgage would be very sizeable if assets were to be divided equitably. I couldn't sustain it on my salary and it would leave him with very little headroom for holidays and things kids just need.

Jesus - take the money you are entitled to
If some of it REALLY needs to remain as equity in the house, then leave it there and when the kids are grown and then you can sell and split it - however, chances are he can buy you out - if he can a clean break is much better
Invest any spare for the rest
Pay the maintenance due

That way you can support the kids when one of them decides to live with you / do a phd / has a kid young, and also support yourself should you have extra care needs later.

Things change, the way you feel now will change, the kids’ needs will change.

Please don’t be a fucking idiot. It sets a poor example to your kids.

OP this sounds like a really bad idea ☹️

How old are you and what health issues do you have? How many kids are there?

It does set a poor example but i no longer care. I have a low quality of life as it is - I be been trapped indoors for 2 years and I no longer see what the world has to offer me. I’m giving up as much stuff as I can.

Have a mesher order for the house to sell when the youngest is 20/21.

You could give your ex all that and he takes on a new wife, moves step kids in and suddenly your are sharing and don't even want to live there anymore.

You sound sad. So much so it may be clouding your judgement at present. Whilst it's admirable that you want your kids to remain in the house. It wont be the same without you there.
Make sure you have enough for comfortable home where they can come and stay with you. You will need a pension. Being the homemaker. Child carer, dinner cooker, is a job in itself and is worth half the income. Dont give it up because you have earned it and you may need it.

The issue with your proposal is that as a low earner renting you are deliberately depriving yourself of assets meaning the state would have to step in to financial support you.

Once the DC are in their 20s it's perfectly reasonable that they either live with their parent and pay board or their parent downsizes in value of home - either smaller or cheaper area.

A mesher is a very feasible solution to this situation. Gives your ex time to save up and make financial decisions knowing that in X years the house will have to be sold and pensions value shared out and so on.

OP, you sound worn out but you're in the stages of starting anew and it well get easier. Push yourself here to think about your future needs, which will last well beyond your kids growing up. The house may be the best place for them but advice here suggests that this doesn't necessarily mean handing it over.

And - do you really want to live apart from your kids? Could you not live there instead with a mesher arrangement, as you were their main carer?