Separation - how much time with DC

[Stripeydressh]

Dropping DC off with ex husband yesterday was pretty unbearable. We have separated and muddled through for a few months but for the sake of DC I expect we will need to come to a set agreement.

I have a 6 year old and have been a SAHM (although now have a job at a school), I know DC wants to be with me the majority of the time. I want my DC to have a relationship with his Dad, but his Dad isn't a great parent (either angry and fed up or disney dad) but I don't want a 50/50 split.

What sort of arrangement is reasonable for a 6 year old? When I spoke to a lawyer they weren't very supportive of my reasons for wanting DC with me the majority of the time.

I said

• I've always been the main parent. DC relies on me for emotional support. Not much of a bond with his dad
• a relationship with his dad is more likely to be formed if DC is settled at home. I'd be happy to support meals for them together during the week
• ex husband refuses to support DC in any of their activities or education. No homework is done, no playdates organised DC misses things like swimming lessons when they are with ex.

Minimum eow and one overnight a week

If he had him more, without you as a fallback, would he step up? Many do ( some don’t )

Dies your ex want 50/50 and if so how does he intend to ensure this is successful ?

I'm in a very similar situation OP and don't have anything to add, other than you are not alone and I'm sorry you're going through this.

My solicitor has pointed me to domestic abuse route as the way he can be with his anger to all of us is unacceptable. It might be worth discussing lack of homework support etc with school, as the decision for custody has to be in the child's best interests.

On those grounds, I'd be really careful doing 50:50 now, as they may suggest you agreed and it's working fine so just carry on.

My ex wants 50/50, but with the days he currently has with DC he does basically nothing with them (TV or they are in childcare later than needed). I'm so angry that DC will miss out on things like swimming lessons as he won't bother them. I'm currently having go use lots of my time to catch up on things like homework, playdates, swimming lessons, reading - normal childhood things.

I'm worried DH will use my PND against me - can he do this?

@Stripeydressh

My ex wants 50/50, but with the days he currently has with DC he does basically nothing with them (TV or they are in childcare later than needed). I'm so angry that DC will miss out on things like swimming lessons as he won't bother them. I'm currently having go use lots of my time to catch up on things like homework, playdates, swimming lessons, reading - normal childhood things.

I'm worried DH will use my PND against me - can he do this?

If he wants 50/50 and is capable then you may have to accept that his parenting is different and doesn't reflect your standards. As for your pnd, don't know, would you expect his mental state to be taken into account? Hopefully you're over the pnd and it shouldn't matter.

How did you learn to be a mother? I suspect it took practice; you did not instantly know what your child needed.

In the sane way as it will take you time to get back into the swing of work, your ex needs to learn to parent well. The old division of labour is over, you both have to work and care for a child.

Age 6, homework is pretty irrelevant. Swimming lessons are nice but hardly essential. Going straight to 50/50 seems too much but EOW and one night a week seems sensible.

You just parent differently I guess - annoying I agree if you feel you do a better job

But it’s only fair for dad to have him half the time - his kid too

My advice is stick to what arrangements you had prior to seperation. This way your son's routine continues. Suddenly post separation some dad's want 50/50 why was 50/50 not done since child was born? Sadly many times it is because no CMS is payable on shared care and childcare arrangements have an impact on the financial settlement. So be careful. Generally speaking eow and one week night/dinner is the norm plus half school holidays.