Separated but can’t be free

[SampsonsBeard]

Hello; I’ve posted before about the very difficult relationship with my ExH.

Since posting before, I’ve been able to get clarity on several things which were worrying me; unsupervised custody was the biggest worry due to his alcoholism / BPD. Due to his MH the local MHT have completed two safeguarding assessments now and both times they said they’re happy not to intervene but only because I don’t leave DD alone with him and because I seem to have clear boundaries that are keeping us safe. The last time, the lady did very carefully say “the only reason we’re not escalating this is because you don’t leave her alone with him”.

I’ve also discovered that as time has gone on I have learnt more about how a lot of my life at the moment revolves around making a relationship possible between him and our now 6yo DD. Where I’ve seen opportunities to add more of a balance, I’ve taken them.

I’ve been quite clinical in my thinking the past several months…making it clear to him that we’re not going to move back, I’m going to AlAnon meetings every week, getting on with building a calm, happy and loving home with my DD.

I do still go to his at the weekend though, for much less time. 11am Saturday to 3pm Sunday. I have made every effort I can to not sabotage their relationship (thinking from Court viewpoint here though). I have to put my foot down at times of his behaviour is crap; for example he deliberately winds her up to the point she will become tearful and shout at him. I step in every time and tell him straightaway to stop now and he usually does, though it’s always with a scornful remark.

He still drinks every night and has also grown his own pot this year. I have been able to document that latter one.

So, sorry for the back story: I just wanted to get that all up to date.

Yesterday he announced he would like to get DD a mobile phone so he can call her.

I said straightaway that she’s too young (6 and autistic so emotionally about 3/4) and he can call on my phone. In the three years we’ve been living separately he has called her once; he’s visited us (not at our home) once. She finds video calls very stressful with anyone and disengaged after about a minute.

I know I am biased and potentially too much of a people pleaser to see a compromise with this new situation

I’d really like your experiences and advice please.

Happy Christmas.

How did you leave it with him? You said she was too young so did you leave it at that?

Yes…stuck to my guns and suggested a compromise of scheduled calls to my phone instead. Not sure if set days for calls are seen as controlling…but personally I could do without the pressure of “having a phone call every night at 6pm”. Haven’t said that to him, mind.

He wasn’t pleased with my compromise. Hasn’t given me his ‘decision’ yet.

I wouldn't worry about the phone too much. Just keep it with yours when you're at home and you choose when it is turned on or off, and whether it is answered or not if it rings.

More limiting is the long period of time you're spending at his house (most of the weekend?). Why are you doing that, particularly if he is winding your DD up while you're there?

If you want to stop the weekend visits, maybe talk to the professional who said she was only allowing visits because you never leave them alone, to see if they can help you to reduce/stop visits without risking unsupervised access?

Thank you, @HappyAsASandboy, that’s a good simple suggestion regarding the phone. I sometimes can’t see the wood for the trees where exDH is concerned.

Similarly, yes, I think I will speak to the lady about reducing weekends. Good idea. I only go as there’s no mid week visit (his choice) and don’t want to risk being seen as alienating him.

I’m aware I sound like a doormat 😔

You don't would like a doormat at all. It is a really hard balance when leaving an abusive partner; facilitating supervised access at the convenience of the abuser is understandably more palatable than him requesting, and potentially getting, unsupervised access.

The ray of hope in your post was the assessment that says it is only valid because you're supervising access. Not many people in your position have that professional assessment. If you're able to reach that professional again then they may be able to advise on what the advice to court would be if you were unable/unwilling to supervise access. Then you'd have some idea what your options are and what the consequences of taking back some control might be.

Good luck. Such a horrible position to be in where you can't escape the control for fear of leaving your child in a worse situation

The phone is a definite no. There's also no need for it, he can ring yours and it will cause problems like wanting to play on it