Separation - what do I need to know/do?

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Username changed. I a pretty sure dh is having an affair, and I know he's had a conversation with a friend asking for divorce advice, as well as various other 'clues' I've tried to ignore. Things have been bad between us for 3-4 years and I know it's going to come to a head soon. At least I will discuss it with dh once my older ds goes back to uni in a couple of weeks if nothing is said before then.

We've been married for 19 years, 2 teen dcs. I was a SAHM for about 12 years and since then I've worked , but only part time because I have Aspergers and long-term MH issues, so I only earn about £10k and have very little pension, and not much prospect of earning more.

I know the MN advice is always 'get your ducks in a row' but what does that mean? I really don't know where to start with working out what I need to do, so I wondered if anyone can advise what they did, or suggest any good websites that give info on what I need to know, what are my rights, what info I need to gather, etc.

I wouldn't rush in your circumstances. I would gather evidence first. Whilst your DH having an affair has no bearing on the financial settlement of any divorce, consider two potential scenarios with your DCs:

1. Mum's started divorce proceedings. Poor Dad.

vs

2. Mum's started divorce proceedings because Dad had an affair. What a bastard Dad is.

This will have some bearing because the children are more likely to want to live with you which means your housing needs will be greater. You also won't be blamed unfairly for the divorce.

Then you need to think about splits of assets and income. Every case is different. Sounds like there won't be any child maintenance for very long due to the age of the children. Other than that it really depends on your ages, assets and incomes (not just from work, remember you can get benefits too).

Gather financial evidence like pensions, savings accounts and investments. If you can print statements so you know the balance then that's good if he's the type who might empty it.

If your house is mortgaged, get a copy of the mortgage statement so you know how much equity is available.

There are online calculators for how much benefits you might get.

Do you have a joint bank account? Get a separate one. If he's the type to play nasty you might want to time things so your salary goes into your new account rather than joint account.

The most complicated bit in the short term is often housing. One of you may want to buy the other out. Can you afford the mortgage on your own ?

The starting point for negotiations is 50/50 split but it doesn't mean you need to negotiate 50% of each asset. You can agree to say have more house equity in exchange for less pension

Are any marital debts in your sole name?

Thanks @cherryonthecakes and @FutureExH - both really helpful. I think I can wait a while until dh decides to make a move and I take the point about who the dcs perceive to be at fault.

We don't have a mortgage because I inherited money from my parents which paid the mortgage off a few years ago. No debts that I know of. I think we probably have enough assets to buy a smaller place each. I think dh would be very much against selling this house though as it's his dream home, but he couldn't afford to give me my share without selling.

I'd been thinking about getting my own bank account already so I will do that and I will print out all the bank statements, pension info etc.

Thanks for helping me get started on thinking straight and working out what I need to do.

Sorry, another question. Would I be entitled to any maintenance payments after my dcs are 18, based on us agreeing that I would be a SAHM while dcs were in primary school and the impact that had on my earnings potential, or does it stop once my dcs leave school? Now I realise I was stupid to do that, but I'm in my 50s so am worried about coping on a small salary.

Not entitled as such, but you might be able to negotiate a larger proportion of the equity.

Depends what you did before. If you used to stuff envelopes like my STBXW then no career was ever given up and it would be easy to find similarly paid work. If on the other hand you gave up a career with prospects then maybe, but only if your ex had the ability to pay.

Your disabilities are perhaps more relevant than any compensatory principle here. Creates a need but again ex would have to have the ability to pay. Also people with the disabilities you cite can and do work full time so I can't really answer for your unique circumstances.

Also, remember spousal diminishes Universal Credit £ for £. If you are eligible for a lot of UC because of disabilities then your ex might not be able to pay you enough to "bridge the gap." I.e. he might be able to afford £300 a month, you get UC of £400 so it is pointless him paying you that money because if he did you would only get £100 UC.

Thanks @FutureExH I don't want to say exactly what I did but it was a professional job with a postgrad qualification. It was definitely a case of giving up a career with a promotion path and transferrable skills (which are all way out of date now). DH has a job that involves long hours and business trips, so we both decided it would make sense for one parent to be at home.

I'll look into UC rules. I really have no clue about all this stuff. I think I need to wait until the dcs are back at school/uni and spend a bit of time doing research.

I got spousal maintenance op (same situation - career given up as made financial sense as a family when children were younger). We split when my youngest was 9. I will receive SM till my youngest is 14 and then it tails off to 0 by the time she's 18, as mediators felt I can catch back my earnings by then.

Wikivorce is a good place to start.
Lots to read.
Also the citizens advice bureau CAB are very helpful tho you have to access their advice by phone.
Ducks in a row means finding out finance info. His salary, pension savings, shares etc.
Lots of people see a solicitor who will charge them lots to listen to them and sympathise and them charge them to write a letter telling them they need to find out finance info.
People will tell you solicitors give you a free half hour but that half hour will be a vague, this could happen, that could happen etc session. More marketing themselves than useful in specifics.
The person who lodges the divorce pays for the court fees £550. You have to read those carefully and check they're true. It put that person in the driving seat once you agree they are true so it's worth approaching that with caution.
Remember there are separate processes going on.
Cancelling the marriage is one.
Sorting out the finances is another
Sorting out where the kids go and maintenance is another.
It's usual and normal to agree finances and kids before the last bit of divorce. But it doesn't have to be.

@arethereanyleftatall

I got spousal maintenance op (same situation - career given up as made financial sense as a family when children were younger). We split when my youngest was 9. I will receive SM till my youngest is 14 and then it tails off to 0 by the time she's 18, as mediators felt I can catch back my earnings by then.

If you don't mind saying, what are your respective earnings? Spousal maintenance is pretty rare because of the impact to universal credit these days (in my case for example, I could afford to pay £200 a month but if I did my STBXW would lose £200 UC so it would go against the objective of achieving a clean break to award it).

@PicaK

Wikivorce is a good place to start. Lots to read. Also the citizens advice bureau CAB are very helpful tho you have to access their advice by phone. Ducks in a row means finding out finance info. His salary, pension savings, shares etc. Lots of people see a solicitor who will charge them lots to listen to them and sympathise and them charge them to write a letter telling them they need to find out finance info. People will tell you solicitors give you a free half hour but that half hour will be a vague, this could happen, that could happen etc session. More marketing themselves than useful in specifics. The person who lodges the divorce pays for the court fees £550. You have to read those carefully and check they're true. It put that person in the driving seat once you agree they are true so it's worth approaching that with caution. Remember there are separate processes going on. Cancelling the marriage is one. Sorting out the finances is another Sorting out where the kids go and maintenance is another. It's usual and normal to agree finances and kids before the last bit of divorce. But it doesn't have to be.

Wikivorce is good but the calculator is well out of date. They haven't modified it to reflect Wright v Wright or the changes to universal credit:

1. No one will be ordered to pay spousal maintenance that is less than what the payee receives in universal credit because there is no benefit in doing so and it obstructs a clean break;

2. The weaker party will be expected not only to work save for the most extreme cases (e.g. if they are too ill to work or very close to retirement) but also to maximise their income. That means working full time if no children under 11 and your earning capacity will be based on the sort of job you can get, not the one you have. I heard one example on another forum where the weaker financial party was a school secretary, term time only. Earning capacity assessed based on the fact she could earn more in the private sector and not term time only.

No one can force you to work, but it will be seen as your choice to have less money in your pocket and they won't make the paying party pay more as a result.

Thanks for all this, I'm working my way through all the info.

I can't work full time for health reasons, long story, but I have done some basic calculations and looked at rightmove for what would be affordable. I think we could each buy a 2 bed flat outright, and I could probably afford to live on approx 15k a year, which I could get in my current job if I could increase hours from current 12 to 18-20, which I could manage. So I'm less worried about income now, but more about pensions etc.

I imagine dh will move back to the area he's originally from as he has wanted to do that for a while, but I am from London and don't want to leave my family and friends. Would a settlement take account of the fact that e.g. I might have to spend 450k for a flat here, and in his home town dh would pay around 250k for a similar size property? Or would it just be split based on the total value rather than the cost of what you are buying?

Courts will assume you both want to live where you are. They won't agree to give you extra solely on the basis that you want to live somewhere more expensive because the decision would easily be appealed as unfair.

I meant that we’re both in London now (and since we met), but dh would probably move somewhere cheaper, rather than me moving somewhere more expensive. But fair enough - i thought this would probably be the case, it’s up to people how they decide to use their money.

Thing to remember is it's all well and good people telling you what normally happens etc but it comes down to the fact that you two have to agree.
You need advice to make sure you don't miss anything important but you also need to balance off fighting for what you're entitled to with the costs of a full court case (think 20 grand costs each). Its worth having that figure at the back of your head to think is x or y worth fighting for.
Try to find a resolution that leaves you both free to step into your new lives on an equal footing. That doesn't mean a 50/50 split BTW.

If you have disabilities that affect you to the degree that you are unable to work full time - then you should have already applied for Personal Independence Payment from DWP. ? It varies in value depending upon how severely you are affected but is not means tested in any way and is something you should crack on with now. (There is a back log at the moment ) The awards vary between £23.70 - £152.15 per week .

You will need details of who diagnosed your ASD , any medications you take and details of medical appointments. . You need to Google 'Apply for PIP' and go to the GOV.UK website and call them for a form to be sent to you.

I used to get DLA but lost it after it moved to PIP, despite GP and psychiatrist supporting my application. Also lost on appeal. Mainly this was because I've learned to manage my life and cope pretty well without recent mental or physical breakdown, so as far as the PIP assessors were concerned this meant I've made a full recovery and am absolutely fine, rather than just having very strict routines and limits in place which mean I can cope. So, no, unfortunately I don't think I'll be entitled to PIP unless I have another health collapse.

Out of interest, do they count PIP in to the assets pot, because it can be taken away in an instant at a routine reassessment, can't it?