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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Would divorce to divorce my inlaws.

25 replies

Twirlywurlie · 14/12/2021 17:38

I really dislike my inlaws. I've always found them to be aloof, monotonous, judgemental people but 10 years ago at age 28, I just tolerated it and put on an appeasing smile around them. I wanted them to like me.

They are (in my opinion) an extremely close knit family. FIL is in control of everything, whilst MIL behaves like a spoiled child incapable of doing anything for herself, I have learned over the years that she is narcissistic. SIL is much the same. FIL panders after SIL constantly- she is 40 years old and I've even known him do her work for her if she's had a lot on. He talks about her persistently and I even know whenever she's taken her dog for a hair cut.

FIL rarely smiles, serious all the time and bores me to tears with endless stories about people I don't know. MIL will sit and complain about all her ailments, all her friends, her family and never ask a thing about me. As soon as DHs name comes up, she lights up and will gush over him for doing the tiniest thing all by himself.

The don't really know me. Nevet have. MIL is rude and will appear bored when I'm talking in response in a conversation. Sometimes, she'll even cut me off to begin chatting to someone else.

I just don't want these people in my life anymore. I don't like what they stand for, I don't like them. When we're in their company, DH sits silently on his phone, allowing them to drone on at me, yet always seems to want to spend time with them.

I think they're a dysfunctional bunch and I just feel done with them. SIL doesn't have children and seems to be an anti-maternal type- I've had to evict myself from family whatsapp groups as she makes offensive remarks and is hailed by these family members. DH never says a thing.

I've seen less and less of them over recent months, but now dream about them being totally out of my life. I think I'm willing to divorce to get away from them. I feel stifled by them and invisible and I just feel done with it. And I'm done with DH being oblivious to their treatment of me when we're all together. I'm at a point where I've even considered telling MIL and FIL that they are boring me. This I'm sure would be a good way of DH never wanting to bring us together in company ever again.

Has anyone else divorced to divorce the inlaws? Was it wonderful when you finally did?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 14/12/2021 17:41

I would quit visiting them as of now and if your DH asks why tell him.

TBH you have a DH problem but I would give an altered dynamic a chance before divorcing.

Do you have DC, how does it affect them?

larkle · 14/12/2021 17:47

Do you have children? Your in laws would be able to see their grandchildren on your ex H's watch. You would not have to have anything to do with them.

CallmeIT · 14/12/2021 17:51

I didn’t divorce because of my in laws. But the biggest benefit of my divorce was not having them in my life anymore!

I really don’t see why you are visiting them when you feel this way. Is it because there are children involved? You could stay at home when your husband visits and stay married presumably.

Viviennemary · 14/12/2021 17:51

Cut contact down to bare minumum. Once a year at Christmas. If your DH wants more he can arrange it himself.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/12/2021 17:56

Your husband sounds extremely unattractive and useless. I'd divorce just to get away from him. Never seeing your in-laws would be an added bonus.

Original poster

Twirlywurlie · 14/12/2021 18:31

Yes 2 young children involved.
We live around the corner from them so once a year visits would be difficult.
I've suggested moving but DH is like a boulder when it comes to change. Just won't be moved at all. We bought the house because it had all we needed 6 years ago- we overlooked the close proximity to the inlaws as we agreed that we wouldn't drop in on each other unannounced which we and they never do atleast.
I don't think it would matter if we lived 10 miles away though, I still think they would have this suffocating presence in our lives.

OP posts:

Wombat69 · 14/12/2021 18:35

Your DH sounds wet.

Holly60 · 14/12/2021 18:45

Are you sure it’s not actually your DH you find boring and suffocating?? I ask in seriousness because I wonder if you are misplacing your negative feelings?

I wonder if you were deliriously happy with your DH if the quirks of his family would bother you that much.

MargosKaftan · 14/12/2021 18:47

Tell your dh you don't want to see them anymore. That you don't think PIL like you anyway, they only want to see him, so he can go see them alone. Arrange lots of things and be too busy to see them. He can go alone and sit on his phone being adored.

If you can't have this conversation with your dh, then your marriage isn't up to much anyway.

underneaththeash · 14/12/2021 21:06

I think it's nice that as a family they get on well together. Having said that, I completely sympathise, find my mother in law incredibly annoying, but for very different reasons to you.

I think the main problem is that you got married too young.

Original poster

Twirlywurlie · 14/12/2021 21:11

"He can go alone and sit on his phone being adored."

I think this line pretty much sums up how I perceive things too @MargosKaftan

OP posts:

Original poster

Twirlywurlie · 14/12/2021 21:13

@Holly60

Are you sure it’s not actually your DH you find boring and suffocating?? I ask in seriousness because I wonder if you are misplacing your negative feelings?

I wonder if you were deliriously happy with your DH if the quirks of his family would bother you that much.

I think you make a really good point. I do find life with him very monotonous nowdays.

OP posts:

Enough4me · 14/12/2021 21:18

Write the pros & cons of separating & divorcing. Be realistic, sharing childcare is a PITA. It may be better to point blank refuse to see them & say you'll go out when they come over.

Perhaps at least try this option first, nothing to lose?

Sleepdeprived42long · 14/12/2021 21:24

I have nothing in common with my MIL. She drives me up the wall. But I’m prepared to overlook a lot of her faults because 1)she’s great with my children and 2) I married her son, not her. I can choose not to see her if I don’t want to. I think if you are contemplating divorce due to your in laws, this is an issue with your marriage to DH, rather than your in laws.

NatriumChloride · 14/12/2021 21:45

@Holly60

Are you sure it’s not actually your DH you find boring and suffocating?? I ask in seriousness because I wonder if you are misplacing your negative feelings?

I wonder if you were deliriously happy with your DH if the quirks of his family would bother you that much.

100% this. @Holly60 has hit the nail on the head. OP I could have written your post - many things are similar including a crazy gushing over SIL, a narcissistic MIL etc. The difference is that my DH is so wonderful that I tolerate their bizarre dynamic just to make sure I don’t upset or hurt him. I’ve found many ways of dealing with their batshit dynamic over the years. Most involve extricating yourself from regular visits, keeping a bit of a distance between yourself and them, and also sticking to superficial topics of conversation, eg films and weather.

If you’re honestly thinking of divorcing your DH because of them then there can’t be much joy in your relationship with him!

NatriumChloride · 14/12/2021 21:47

@Sleepdeprived42long

@Sleepdeprived42long - do we share the same MIL? 🥴😂 You’re right with point 2 as well - I keep reminding myself that I’m married to her son, not her…

Jjjayfee · 14/12/2021 22:56

Two friends of mine would never visit their in laws but their husbands did and the husbands took the children to see their grandparents. It seemed to work for them.

ItsAllKindaWeird · 15/12/2021 17:25

I could have written almost the exact scenario, unfortunately DH was also part of the whole projection. Since he left i found a couple of articles which shone such a light on everything.
howtokillanarcissist.com/narcissistic-family/
www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/202003/the-12-rules-dysfunctional-narcissistic-family
This one hit home 100%
www.insider.com/sibling-dynamics-behaviors-narcissistic-families-2019-7

Once i was out of it, my mental health improved dramatically and I see them all for who they truly are. It's enlightening.

Best of luck x

GoodnightGrandma · 16/12/2021 16:42

I stopped seeing FiL
Haven’t seen him for about 5 years.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 16/12/2021 16:49

Mil's topic was her latest bowel movement and fil always complained that the dc were cold. They weren't.
I invented reems of chores I needed to do and sent the dc off with dh for visiting. I simply stopped visiting.. And their weekly Monday visits became my new day at work. I just told dh they really gave no fucks if they didn't see me. He couldn't argue... And when we divorced I didn't have to see that twat either!!

Mumof3confused · 17/12/2021 08:34

I don’t like my MIL either and I’ve realised through couples counselling that actually, the main problem is that my DH does not stand up for me or protect me when she does things that are not ok for me. He’s a wet blanket when it comes to her (and everything else as well). I’ve lost all respect and desire for him, partly due to this. I plan to separate and not having to deal with the MIL will be a bonus for sure.

YogaRebel · 22/12/2021 16:11

What a relief to read this thread! I ve gently extricated myself from seeing in laws after years them inviting themselves to stay for a week at a time - in our small house with no spare room. Y know to help me out - which involved, walking straight past me without so much as a hello when they arrived to see the grandkids, me cooking endlessly (as they felt eating out was expensive,) organising fun stuff for them to do with the kids, all whilst sleeping on the couch. They never once asked me how I was but would say thinks like - ' you work so much I can see that you don't have time to clean your cutlery drawer do you ? ' I just send the odd polite text sharing info about the kids and buy thoughtful gifts at birthday and Christmas. Gets me off the hook.

Shortpoet · 22/12/2021 16:49

Your DH is treating you like a shield so he doesn’t have to deal with their boring monologues but gets all the good son cookies just for being in the same room.

I think I’d refuse to go if he didn’t agree to get off his phone while there. If it comes out while you are there you’re close do can easily get up and go home.

I mean he can’t physically drag you there. How often do you go? What would happen if you refused to go but merrily sent him in his way with the kids?

Could you work it do that you only go every other time, then every third time working your way down to a tolerable number of duty visits.

Fuuuuuckit · 22/12/2021 16:52

I've been separated/divorced for 11 years now, not seen a single in-law in all that time. Bliss!!

(kids have only seen them a handful of times too, no doubt my name is still mud for not ensuring ex kept up the visiting schedule which I was shamed into keeping when we were together, wonder if they realise how shit he actually is at parenting and organising now?)

Autumnscene · 22/12/2021 17:13

i can’t stand extended families, all the hard work pleasing them, all that pressure. dread becoming a MIL myself too 😂 i have no in-laws through divorce and my brothers wife can go fuck herself too 😄

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