Removing an asset from the home

[TheVanguardSix]

My former husband has been, for 3 months, hounding me to ship our entire antique collection to his flat.
Here's the thing. I will never see him again. He will not be seeing the children again. The backstory is that he sexually abused our daughter for 4 years and there is a criminal investigation that will eventually lead to charges and a trial.

We are in the midst of divorcing (it's all a bit slow. I have yet to do my e form- don't see the point since he won't be able to support the kids- no longer earning, never will earn. He's 63 and facing jail... I just don't see why this is being treated as a normal divorce).

Anyway, I do not want him to take the antique collection. We are cash poor but this collection, which he acquired throughout the years of our marriage is, to me, the kids' future... a future that won't have their father's support, emotionally or financially. And I wouldn't want to ask for that anyway considering the fact that he is the most deceptive, evil turd. I want nothing to do with him ever again. I don't even want a pension share because a) his pension's shit and b) I don't want to be tied to him. I don't want payments coming through that remind me of his 'support'. I'm waffling on here.

My question is, am I being a fool or taken for a fool regarding the antiques? It's a joint asset, right? Would you ship over a vast collection to a man facing jail when that antique collection could be used to support the kids in the future?

Oh Vanguard, I am so sorry to read about your situation. Could I just say thank you for supporting your daughter, because my mother did not.
I don't think there is any obligation to send the goods- they're a joint asset, so wait until a solicitor has arranged a decent division of assets, and then if you have to, they could be sent. As you say, what use are they just sitting in his flat when he is jailed?
Your children need provision and security, that's far more important.
I'm so sorry you and your daughter are going through this

They will form part of the joint assets. They are not his alone. I would leave them where they are until the financial agreement is sorted.

I am so sorry you and your children are going through this. I don't think there is any obligation to ship anything to him. Ignore the hounding. However, I do believe that although this is not a 'normal' divorce, the form e is basically the financial consent order that a Judge needs to sign off when all is agreed by both parties. It will be agreeing on what happens to all joint assets, the antiques included so do not part with them now. Whilst it might be that he will not be able to support your children and you do not wish to be tied to him, ever, once the consent order is agreed and signed off, it will mean your ex will be prevented from making any financial claims against you and vice versa, of course. It's protecting yourself and children in future so it is important to have.

What a bastard he is. Your poor daughter.

I would say don't do anything haste to me regarding money. You will be glad of that pension later and it won't remind you of him at all. I wouldn't send him any antiques but I would talk to a lawyer about this. Those are family assets and don't belong to him alone

It’s a complete nightmare for you and your children I’m sure, and I wish you all well.
I think you’ll find that things may seem very unfair in your situation, because unfortunately a divorce doesn’t take into account his behaviour towards you or your children. So I think you need to grit your teeth and follow the correct procedures.
Whilst you may not want a single penny of this excuse of a human, I would still get what I was entitled to - even if I gave it to the cats home!

As far as the antiques are concerned, I’d get a proper valuation in the first instance so you know exactly what they are worth, and you need the valuation of selling them, not of buying them. Let him take you to court for the actual items rather than the monetary resale value of them.

Sell his collection and post his half through his door torn up, the absolute arsehole.

Of course it’s a joint asset. Get the collection valued independently. You don’t have to tell them anything beyond you’re getting divorced and so need a fair idea of how much this joint asset is worth. Then you can negotiate with your STBXH’s divorce lawyer about the asset division. You don’t have to communicate with him directly, cut the bastard out of your life totally. Tell your Ex that you’re getting the collection valued and he will get an offer from your solicitor about asset division. Then block him. He doesn’t get to hound you after what he’s put your daughter and your family through.

Actually your ex’s crimes could make a difference to the division of assests. Of your children are still young enough to be legal dependents, then you will be housing them and he will not. And you presumably won’t be receiving child maintenance because he will be jailed and then presumably over retirement age when he is released. So you need enough of the joint assents to be able to look after the kids 100% of the time for the rest of their childhoods and adolescence and young adulthood (uni age). He only needs enough assets to live in a one bedroom flat and he doesn’t even need that until jail term has been served.

Keep hold of it

Good luck in court

You may find on divorce that the division of assets is adjusted in your favour because of the lack of future support for your children. The antiques are a marital asset so just send him a message saying you will not be releasing them until the divorce settlements are sorted. You need to get them all valued and his pension will also be valued together with any other marital assets and you then (or rather your solicitor) will negotiate a split which takes account of these particular circumstances. Once you've told him you're not sending the antiques I'd suggest you block him as I doubt you want to be having contact directly with him about anything atm.

Oh my heavens, you lovely, lovely souls! I've come back on here tonight to this wealth of kindness, knowledge, and advice. God, thank you from the absolute whole of my heart. It's been an awful few months since I found out about the abuse. And the divorce, while so incredibly necessary, is just so stressful to navigate. E forms, at the best of times (I mean, every divorce is pretty awful, let's be honest!), are the drudgery of the worst kind, but everything about this divorce feels like an insurmountable Everest climb.
Thank you for giving me solid, sound advice, courage, AND encouragement.
There's just so much good advice here. Thank you, all of you!
Believe me, I have seriously thought, "Should I just take a hammer to it all and post back the shards and the shrapnel?" It has been so tempting.
And you are right, I do need to get what I can for the sake of the kids. I fluctuate between being absolutely frozen in terror at the thought of everything that happened in my home, on my watch, to my daughter whom I didn't protect, and then raging like a lit hand grenade. The rage is so much bigger than me. It balloons inside of me and I don't know what to do with it.
How did I miss it, all of it, years of it? I'm afraid I'll go to my grave never ever making peace with that. That will haunt me until I die. I am catatonic with just sorrow and anger... anger towards myself for failing my daughter, for years! It was like I was blind or something.
He was such a difficult man, an exhaustingly difficult man to live with. But never did I imagine sexual abuse was on the cards here. It's the level of deceit that scares me and horrifies me almost as much as the abuse itself. I'm sorry to waffle.
Thank you for your kind support, you beautiful, caring MNers. I am indebted to you.

You've got this - send him NOTHING

Stay strong ❤️

The reason he got away with this so long is because he was capable of that level of evil and deceit not because you failed to see it. This is a crime that runs through the whole social spectrum and the people who get away with it for so long do so because they are manipulative and coercive and know how to control those they abuse in such a way to keep their abuse secret. If you are not already doing so please try and get some specialist counselling to help you be able to address your feelings and help you to cope.

You've got this.

Send him nothing.
You should get the best price and use these assets for yourself and your children. In the divorce I would also be citing the need therapy for daughter (and asking associated costs to be considered in the settlement)

If you take half of his pension it will become a pension in your name, not his.
Take it.