Date nights won't fix our marriage

[Chocolatescruffle]

But this seems to be the opinion of DHs family. They know things haven't been good between us for a while- he even moved out in the summer. But they won't discuss it with us. It's a big elephant in the room.

ILs and his sister have told DH that we "just need more nights out together." I understand their logic, that young children puts a strain on marriage, that we would benefit from more time together. But to me this is idealistic and not living in the real world. He could have made more of an effort when DCs were in bed and not lay in the bath for 2 hours reading most evenings, he could have supported me when they were babies and not continued his expensive motorsports hobby with his Dad and brother, he could have communicated with me instead of being closed off to conversation. He could have looked after himself better and not gained 4 stone and as a result, decided he didn't want sex anymore.

How is any of this going to be solved by date nights out?

His parents and siblings have apparently bought us vouchers for over night stays for Christmas (3 of them!!) because they think it's all we need to get on track again. I don't want them. If DH couldn't make the effort when they were babies instead of putting our marriage on hold until the children could be left overnight with his parents, I'm not sure I want to know.

The last time we did this, with another one of their bloody vouchers, it was nice to have some time away, but it only highlighted how different we are. DH wanted to go from bar to bar drinking in a big city (which we did) and I want to go kayaking, cold water swimming and have a meal in a country pub.

We're so different.

What are your thoughts on date nights fixing marriages? And what can I say to my inlaws about this assumption without sounding rude?

If you both want to try and resolve the issues then spending time away from family pressures in a place you can relax and talk then, given time you may the feelings you used to have are still there, just hidden. The time could also show that your ready to move on away from him. Talking honestly.

Putting it bluntly, your marriage is between you and your husband and has absolutely nothing to do with his family. They may mean well but they really need to butt out and leave you both to work things out for yourself, whichever way it goes. Sounds like they're worried that he's going to lose a good life, wife and children, because of his sheer laziness. I think you need to be totally honest with them that they need to back away and give you both space.

I think date nights are always good to have, they are more of a general marriage maintenance/preventative measure to me. It's as important spending time together as a couple as it is as a family. I don't see them as an automatic way to fix a marriage once issues have set in. It sounds like to you it's too little too late and no amount of amendment from your DH would save your marriage because the damage has already been done? I agree that your marriage is just that, no matter how well meaning in laws or anyone else outside of that, no one else matters and it's between you both. I personally don't think you owe your in laws an explanation and I would focus instead on what you want to do, if there is anything he can do and if there is anything you can both do together to fix your marriage. Only you can decide if you both need time away alone to do that and if it's worth trying.

Why are they so involved in your marriage?

Why do you want them to discuss it with you?

They won't discuss our marital issued with me at all and I don't them. They only know because DH moved out for a while earlier this year.

SIL however has openly discussed my marriage with me and has openly told me the discussions her and her parents have had about it. All seems to centre around us just needing a few date nights. As if it will solve everything. SIL was extremely patronising when she told me what my marriage needed too. Somethings have also been said to DH I think as mentioned upthread.

It just angers me. Everyone knows that you're not going to go on date nights when you have a newborn. It doesn't mean that you give up on your marriage u ntil you can leave the house as a couple again.

Do whatever you think is right for you, only you know that
Date night with h would be a nightmare after the 007 outing I adored the film but he forgot pills we’re at the stage I’d rather spend time alone, with my dvds he watches sport whatever so today having a bad back as helped nice excuse to have hot water bottle and curl up with old call the midwife.

Ultimately it's up to you but they are at least trying to help

You don't need to physically go out to have date nights anyway. You can have lovely date nights at home, cook a nice meal or have a takeaway, choose something to watch together or just listen to music and talk. Somehow I don't think your dh would be interested anyway judging by your first post. He seems very self centred. And I too would be angry with a patronising SIL. It's none of her business and she shouldn't be making it so. You and your dh need to decide if there's any future for your marriage without others butting in with their input.

Stop talking to his family about it.
Get your ducks in a row while you think about what YOU want to do.

Oh dear, poor you. Date nights for you sound as though they would just be papering over the cracks and wouldn't really achieve anything as there are far deeper issues. There's definitely a line in a failing marriage where, before that line is reached, date nights etc might help to rescue it but once you're over the line, nothing will rescue it and you'll just want t to reach the next finish line of decree absolute! My DH left it far too late to take me away for weekends etc and thought he could change my mind a out was ting to divorce even though I told him it wasn't going to change my mind. My feelings for him (as a wife) have gone and they're never coming back, even though he thinks if I tried harder we could work things out! We are poles apart a d have been for years! Anyway, sorry, back to your point but, no, I agree with you, date nights won't solve anything if you're already over that line.

I think the gifts from a place of love and kindness.

You can tell them with equal kindness that it is too late for that.

I'm sure they can use the vouchers between them.

Beginning divorce proceedings will generally be when the wider world accepts and readjust their thinking.

I think they are coming from a well-intentioned place of saying that problems in a marriage can be fixed when both people are willing to come together.

Where is your husband in all of this? Why aren't you having these conversations with him?

I should add to the above that some problems in a marriage can be fixed.

If its done its done. Sometimes the daily churn takes it toll.
When you have two different people it can still work.
I'd have a look at what you do have in common. Focus there. Then build on it. Is there something u can do together for an hour once a week?
It can work when your different....im more beer round a camp fire vibe person, kayaking. DP is loud rugby bar to bar type person. It means he pulls me out my comfort zone and I pull him out of his comfort zone.

BUT if your done and fed up and dont have the energy thats absolutely fine. At the end of the day you have to be the best you for your kids and yourself. If someone's draining your battery...you need to do something about it

I love your idea of a good day out. Sounds fab.

It's great his family think they can fix things but situations are always more complex & none of their business.

You sound ready to separate. Use the vouchers to go away on your own or send him away to have space. Or sell them to fund a solicitor.

It sounds as if you have grown apart and are fundamentally incompatible in any case. And him not being there when you needed him most won't help. You might be better off apart and co-parenting amicably so that you are both free to pursue your interests part of the time.

The money would be better spent on couples counselling I think?

I agree @Nedclarity but he refuses to go. Him and his family genuinely think that a few dinners out will solve all of these deep seated problems. DH won't acknowledge the true issues going on at all and thinks it will all be solved with a nice meal. We have tried this already a few times even and I'm just left feeling disappointed when he sits gossiping about all his work colleagues and asking for food from my plate 😬

I don't know whether date nights can fix marriages.

But it certainly doesn't sound like they can fix yours.

@ChocolatescruffleI I know what you mean. I was married 25 years and was very unhappy for at least a half of it. I tried, many times, to talk to my husband about it. We really never communicated properly so I suggested couples counseling a few times, but he was always claiming we could solve things on our own. His idea of solving things was going out for coffee and talking about it. After that he would expect us to have sex and "all will be well". Last year, I finally had enough and started to go for counseling myself because once again he refused to go with me. During this time, I did not want to have sex with him at all because I felt that it was interfering with the process. He was of course, getting impatient asking "how much longer this was going to take". I told him this could take months, years, to work out, especially, since I was working on it by myself instead of with him. He thought I would just "snap out of it" and continue on as we were.

It is needles to say that in the end I asked for a divorce. He was shocked, said he did not realize it was "that bad", said I never did anything except offer couples counseling, and that kind of nonsense.

Well, you are right OP, date nights do not solve deep rooted issues. Date nights should be part of a healthy relationship, but once marriage is in crises, a lot more must be done and there is no quick fix. You must be willing to work on it, hard and long, together.

I have a feeling from your post that ship has sailed. You have made your decision and would like to continue your journey alone, like I did. You take care of yourself OP and I wish you all the best.