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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Is it normal to feel jealous, even if you instigated the divorce?

16 replies

Levithecat · 08/12/2021 19:52

STBXH went out on Saturday and spend the night with a woman. We’ve been together 18yrs, two young children. Living together still, though he’s bought me out and I am looking for a house (my purchase just fell through Sad). We are divorcing because he hid his alcohol dependency from me for years. He stopped drinking two years ago when I found out, but continues to hide behaviour and acts drunk sometimes. General history of hiding things from me (debt etc - no affairs). I don’t trust him and have become so anxious, sad and feel worthless. I didn’t want to separate but felt it was the only option after years of this, and I have had to be really firm - hardening my heart to keep going.

Saturday night has totally shaken me. It’s not just that he betrayed where we’re at in this process, and undermined our work to try and be respectful and co parent well, I am obsessing over the actual act. Going through scenarios and images in my mind. I have an overwhelming feeling of ‘he’s mine!’. And I actually feel sad for him now, because he knows he’s really messed up and we won’t be able to do the things we’d planned, like have Christmas together. And I don’t know if this means I don’t want to divorce, or..?
Have other people felt the same? If f’king hurts.

OP posts:
BurbageBrook · 08/12/2021 20:13

I think that your feelings of jealousy I’ll probably pretty normal as it can be hard to watch someone else move on even if you instigated the split. However, I don’t think you’re really being reasonable to act as if he’s done something wrong and to change Christmas plans, because this has nothing to do with you as a family and is more about him moving on from the relationship and the marriage.

BurbageBrook · 08/12/2021 20:13

*are probably

fedup078 · 08/12/2021 20:16

I threw mine out for the exact same reasons and even though I don't love him I know it's going to floor me when he finds someone else . Mostly because we share a child
If we didn't have I child I wouldn't give a shit, in fact I'd probably never know
But I know I'll just have to put my big girl pants on and let it go

EasyBreezy · 08/12/2021 20:27

When you get away from him you will start to care less and be less interested in him in general. Then you will question why you stayed so long and be happy you are out of it and he is someone elses problem....honestly you will.

ILoveAnOwl · 08/12/2021 20:27

I separated from my husband in the summer. It was my decision and I'm still sure it is the correct decision. He's just started seeing someone. I am utterly devastated. Watching the man I fell in love with fall in love with someone else is really, really hard. But it's a totally normal part of divorce I think. To me it feels like a betrayal of the life I once thought we'd share and for me is a reality check that this really is happening. So yes, it's awful but normal.

Original poster
Levithecat · 08/12/2021 20:39

Thank you all so much. Really appreciate it - such a mix of feelings and just heartbreaking. I will hold on to the thought that I’ll start to care less @EasyBreezy - I really need to get back focusing on my future, which has got me through.

I see what you mean about Christmas @BurbageBrook. we were meant to have it with my parents but they don’t want him in their house now…and I don’t want to share a house with him anymore (I left on Sunday). But we’ll obviously work something out for the kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
Levithecat · 08/12/2021 20:41

Also, solidarity for anyone going through the same - it is totally gutting seeing someone you loved with all your heart, have children with and thought you’d be with forever, with someone else.

OP posts:
BrilliantBetty · 08/12/2021 20:47

Have you thought about dipping your toe in to the dating world? Might be a welcome distraction

EasyBreezy · 08/12/2021 20:47

@Levithecat you are right it is totally gutting. People used to say to me 'you will get through it' and it used to irritate me because at that point i couldnt feel anything but pain and sadness. My heart goes out to you xx

Weatherwax13 · 08/12/2021 20:49

I think it's totally normal to feel as you do, even though you know you don't want to be with him. Such a raw, horrible time for you atm and if it were me, and my husband was ready to do that so quickly - and while in the same home still - I'd think it was cast iron proof that he didn't give a crap.
I do think once you're living separately you'll feel so much lighter. I'd see this as another sign that your decision to divorce is absolutely the right one. He's made you miserable for a long time.
I hope the next year brings you a sense of relief and peace and the start of a much happier new life.

Ozanj · 08/12/2021 20:51

My friend left his wife for the same reasons. To get her ‘revenge’ for instigating the divorce and ‘making’ her move from her dream home (he bought her out) she pretty much slept with any man who was interested. She ruined their divorce process, making it unnecessarily difficult for my friend and their son. But even during the worst of it he still felt jealous.

Things got a lot better for him after she left the house. It was like a weight lifted and he began to be himself again & it wasn’t long before he found his (lovely!) second wife. So just hang in there.

Original poster
Levithecat · 08/12/2021 20:56

The kind comments mean the world when I’m feeling really just gutted. Thank you so much. Bring on this new life, and in time maybe even a new man (but he’ll have to be either just a nice quick distraction or the best human on earth!)

OP posts:
Ozanj · 08/12/2021 21:00

You will. But don’t forget to have fun in the process. If you’re happy the nice men will flock to you like bees on honey.

millymolls · 08/12/2021 21:12

I know things hurt and are raw for you but what exactly has he done wrong? You’re separating which means both of you can meet other people, that doesn’t make him a bad person or bad parent.

Once you are in separate properties you will be able to move on easier

Original poster
Levithecat · 08/12/2021 21:31

I do see it as a betrayal
@millymolls . We share a home, eat together, have two children that we tuck into bed each night. He told me only last week that he wished we could make it work and couldn’t imagine either of us with other people. We’ve had 18 years as each other’s only lover/companion. We spend a lot of time talking about how we want to respect and care for each other as co-parents. All he had to do was wait two months til we lived separately. Then it wouldn’t be rubbed in my face. He went from zero to 100 in a heartbeat.

OP posts:
EasyBreezy · 08/12/2021 23:24

He is doing it on purpose to provoke a reaction, dont let him see it bothers you...you are moving forward, not looking back.

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