Separating after 35 years and not my decision

[Knands]

My husband wants to separate after 36 years together and 3 children. (youngest is 17)
I had no warning signs at all, no fights/rows...he obviously changed but just forgot to tell me :( says he has been dead inside for too long, it took a year to tell me he no longer loves me.
I don't know how to live without him, we have been together since I was 21.
How can I contemplate life on my own, I have never lived on my own.
He has been my whole life.
My heart is broken.

I'm sorry to hear this. Separation is so painful. It's like grieving. I can't give you much advise as I was married for a much shorter period (12 years, together 15) and it was a joint decision. All I CAN definitely say is that time is what you need. The pain gets less and less.

Have you consulted a solicitor at all?

Love to you xxx

It is brutal but there is more of this about than you would credit. Check out Runaway Husbands by Vicki Stark. So as someone who has been through it you need to get your financial ducks in a row. If he is true to type he is going to turn cold and nasty very soon. He is months ahead of you in processing this stuff. There is very likely someone else as men usually have someone else to run to.

You will survive. Tell your closest girlfriends as you are going to need support. Get to the dr if you need antidepressants to take the edge off the pain. You are in deep grief. It is as if the person you knew died and the body is still walking around. It is hard but you will get through it.

My theory is that they blindside us because they fear that if they were honest they would realise what selfish men they are. They need us off balance so that the leaving is easier. Lawyer up. He is not your friend anymore.

Aww handhold Op, what a terrible shock for you.

Have you been able to tell anyone in RL? Do you have good friends that will support you? Have you told your children yet?

Take one day at a time, take copies of financial records bank statements, pension statements etc, they may come in useful, should you divorce. Look after yourself, try to eat & rest when you can, go for walks it will help.

See a solicitor without delay, do you think their could be another party involved?

Wishing you all the very best for the future

You need to get angry and get a solicitor.
As pp said, he is well ahead of you in organising this in his head, and you won’t be amicable for long. Particularly if there’s someone else.

You will get through this, one day at a time, its hard right now but you will get through it.

You are coming to terms with it where as he has had a year to come to terms with it, he is a year ahead of you.

Be kind to yourself, grieve, cry, do what you need to do but remember to forgive yourself also.

Has he got his eye on someone else? Sometimes the "I've been dead for years" comes from that. I'm really sorry he's given you such a shock. As a PP said, get all your financial data straight and see a lawyer - the quicker the better, while he's feeling the remotest amount of guilt.

I'm so sorry Knands -i am in same position 25 years married and together for longer. Your kids are younger than mine so you probably are a bit younger than me. He just came out with the same bombshell as yours and now life is upside down and I'm looking to sell the house and try and untangle a lifetime. I just don't know where to start either. At my age too! The shock is immense and I know the pain and anxiety you are feeling. Is he a narcissist do you think? I only ask because it does seem to be a common theme and will play a huge part in how you proceed. Podcast by Dr Supriya McKenna and Karin Walker Narcissists and Divorce the Lure the Loss and the Law is really helpful and explained a lot to me. But its still early days. ive now got the silent treatment and hes gone from a husband to walking past me as if he doesn't recognise me. The pain is incredible. If you want to message me please do as we seem to be in the same boat for whatever reason. Look after yourself and dont let him wreck your life. you can get past this and thrive. This is what I'm telling myself every day when whats in front of me seems too awful to contemplate. We can do this.

You need to get angry really quickly. As others have said, he has been planning and preparing for ages , whereas you are blindsided and floundering. See a lawyer and get ready for a fight with the finances. They always start very amiable but get nasty very quickly when money comes into the picture ( I know , I was in that situation 8 years ago). Sorry but there is almost always "someone else" in the picture - men rarely initiate a separation unless there is another woman waiting in the wings. Don't believe that story he has been dead inside for too long, what that translates to is " I was chugging along and suddenly this woman appeared in my life and I want out " . Best wishes to you - there IS life after separation, you can do this.

I empathise completely Knands. A similar thing happened to me 16 months ago after 23 years of marriage and two grown-up kids. No warning signs, no arguments, always got on well and had a laugh. In his case he admitted he’d met someone else. She was an old school friend. They’d got talking online, she’d come on strong to him and he lapped up the attention and excitement. He reckoned she wanted him to move in with him but when he indicated he’d be up for it she dumped him – ha ha. He said some appalling things to me, belittled me, said he hadn’t loved me for years, made comments about my appearance etc etc. It was truly vile. He then tried to get together with another old school friend (equally uninterested in him). In the interim I took the opportunity to get my financial and personal ducks in a row. I’ve hit rock bottom, taken a major hit to my confidence, but I’m getting stronger every day. It’s taken a long time but I now know I don’t want him and I pity him. He’s scrabbling around on online dating now, because he desperately needs someone else (always the case with these men isn’t it?) whereas I am really looking forward to just being “me” again and living independently. You will get through this and you’ll realise you deserve so much better. It does get easier I promise.