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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

I just want someone to listen

18 replies

BlueFlamingo9 · 05/12/2021 22:49

I just need to say that I feel really low.

The realisation a few years back that I shouldn’t have got married to the person I did and the wheels are truly in motion now. I tried to talk about the problems and got nowhere. He told me it was all in my head and I should ‘see someone.’

So cutting a long (20 year) story short, exactly 1 month ago I moved into my new house. I pay the mortgage, all the bills except he is still with me as he hasn’t found anywhere to live yet.

Our problems are relating to money and the dc. I parent in a very different t way to him, it’s very much good cop, bad cop with be being the rule imposer, disciplinarian and routine setter and he is fun dad. I feel extremely resentful that my relationship with my children and how they see me is negative because I have to do all the graft while he just saunters along, taking like easy.

I’ve completely fallen out of m love with him, to the point that I can hardly look at him and if I do I just feel empty.

41 with 2 very demanding children and a heck of a lot of pressure on me.

I only really feel totally at ease when the house is empty and I can be alone.

I feel sad tonight, contemplating the future.

I don’t know what I expect anyone to say, just helps to write it down.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 05/12/2021 22:53

Writing it down is the first step.

Babymamamama · 05/12/2021 22:58

Sounds like you’ve taken the first step which is often the very hardest. I’m a year in from asking my child’s father to leave. It’s not been a straight path but the relief I feel that he doesn’t live here and never will again is truly priceless. When can he move out?

Original poster
BlueFlamingo9 · 05/12/2021 23:01

He plans to have somewhere in the first few months of the new year. It’s really hard as we had a lovely new large house but I hated it as we had no privacy but he tells me I’ve moved to a shithole, not true but it’s much smaller and further out. It has a large secure garden for the children.

He’s not a bad person, neither am I, I just don’t want a life with him but I still don’t know what I really want.

OP posts:
Babymamamama · 05/12/2021 23:13

Is there any way he could move sooner it sounds like you are really needing some space. I can really relate. Sometimes a relationship has just run its course.

SwanShaped · 05/12/2021 23:19

How come he’s still living with you? Sounds really draining for you. Is he actually wanting to move?

Skysblue · 05/12/2021 23:20

Living together in this situation must be so hard for both of you. I’m sorry.

Is there anyway he can just go to a hotel, or a holiday let (they’re so cheao in winter!) until he finds a flat? A lot of men do it.

OverTheRubicon · 05/12/2021 23:26

@BlueFlamingo9

He plans to have somewhere in the first few months of the new year. It’s really hard as we had a lovely new large house but I hated it as we had no privacy but he tells me I’ve moved to a shithole, not true but it’s much smaller and further out. It has a large secure garden for the children.

He’s not a bad person, neither am I, I just don’t want a life with him but I still don’t know what I really want.

YOU'VE moved - if he's acknowledging that (even if it's to be negative), then why the hell has he moved too? And you're trying to separate, why is he planning to move in the first few months of next year? You're not together any more, he has no more right to do this to you than an acquaintance has.

He does sound like he actually is a pretty bad person. Lots of the easy going crew get a lot less nice once their meal ticket is gone. You need to gather all the evidence that you can that you had officially separated before you.moved, you don't want him to claim you'd reunited and he has a 50/50 claim. Then give him a deadline - ideally by end of Jan if not before - and as nicely as you want to, but very firmly, kick him out. Call his parents if they might have a place, lend him the deposit (with paperwork) if that's what it takes and you can do it, but what you're describing is no kind of.life.

Babymamamama · 05/12/2021 23:46

Also maybe speak to your gp so they are aware you are feeling low.

Original poster
BlueFlamingo9 · 05/12/2021 23:47

Even though I don’t think he would do anything, I’m really worried that he might claim to own part of the house, even though the mortgage is in my sole name.

It is really draining and even now I’ve moved the same issues are happening re the children.

I’ve kind of lost respect for him, as if he told me he wanted to separate not a chance in hell I’d have followed him.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueFlamingo9 · 05/12/2021 23:48

Oh my goodness no way would I speak to a GP, in case they used it against me if things went to court.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 05/12/2021 23:54

Take no notice of his comment about your house being a shithole.

What he means is that with you paying half the mortgage, he had a big status house, and now he doesn't, for which he is blaming you. You've found a new home, he hasn't and so he feels the need to demean yours.

When is he leaving? The sooner the better.

Notmyyearthisyear · 06/12/2021 19:30

Why would you worry about speaking to your GP?

gonnabeok · 06/12/2021 19:35

OP get him out of your house as soon as possible. If he is contributing in any way financially whilst living in your house, he can make a claim on it later on, even though the mortgage is only in your name. Give him a deadline and stick to it. He can stay with family or rent. Do not feel sorry for him. He's a grown up.

Moonface123 · 06/12/2021 19:46

Your fresh start has yet to materialise, but it will,.once its just you and your children.
l think alot of relationships have a timeframe, what felt right once, many years ago changes over time but it doesnt mean the whole relationship was a waste of time, it just came to a natural end, and thats ok.
I would give yourself time to adapt to a different way of life and remember you have opportunities now and in the future that you wouldn't have if you had took the easier more familiar road and stayed put.
When you go through a stage of transformation its always unsettling, have faith things will work out, this is just a temporary stage, you have it all to come.

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 06/12/2021 19:50

How dare he call your house anything when he has done nothing to get his own?! Sorry OP but you should never have let your ex become your lodger. You need to give him a deadline to get out. He can rent or go to a hotel or airbnb. See how he enjoys being the fun parent too when you’re not around to temper this.

GoodnightGrandma · 07/12/2021 06:38

You need to get him out and start your new life. You are not responsible for him.

C0mpass5Morales · 07/12/2021 12:52

You moved
Why did you allow your ex to move in ?
Where are your boundaries ?

I would suggest that you put in writing today, a date of when you need him to leave
If he is still there on that date, change the locks
Get friends or family round on that day to help.

Start the divorce proceedings

C0mpass5Morales · 07/12/2021 12:53

The alternative, is that YOU move again, without your ex

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