Ex not adhering to court order

[Sova]

I got divorced in July but ex husband is still in the house half of the week while we are waiting for the remortgage to go through as I’m buying him out. The court order (financial order) says he needs to look after the kids 3 nights a week and he needs to move out as soon as he gets the money from the mortgage, which could be as soon as in 2 weeks time.
At the same time my ex wanted us all to go to his home country for a month, to which I agreed to as didn’t want the kids to go alone with him as they are little and it’s very far and with its risks. I however said that 2-3 weeks is more realistic as I’m starting a new job soon.
I’ve shown him a nice flat to look at and he has now told me that he is not planning to move out despite the court order and is making demands and might move out in 5-6 m time the earliest after we’ve been to his home country. He has savings and earns ok wage. He told me that if I force him to move out before, then I can look after the kids full time which would add £500 in childcare costs potentially and even more during the Holidays. He doesn’t seem to care whether he sees them or not. He told me that he won’t pay for childcare and he doesn’t disclose much income.
I have told him that we will only go to his home country if and when he moves out. So he is now saying ok he will go by himself and I can deal with the kids full time. And if I get his things out and change locks then he will put things in storage but won’t be looking after the kids at all until end of April. We don’t have any family to help as we are both foreigners in the uk.
I can speak to my solicitor but 15 min with her costs £70. I don’t have any savings and just live from month to month atm.
I’d appreciate any advice, thank you in advance

I would plan to not be dependent upon your ex for child care. He will just let you down and enjoy the control he has over you.

How old are your children. Do you use a child minder. Mine was amazing. Flexible and never once let us down

See if you are entitled to help with your childcare costs.

Get ex out of your home. Get locks changed and store his belonging in the garage.

If he steps up to see the children fab. If he doesn't that is not your hill to die on. It is up to him to step up.

Money through CMS. Do not deviate from this. He clearly doesn't want to be cooperative with you. So don't give him any options over this.

He sounds like a nightmare. Don't let him blackmail you, especially using the children. He does not have the right to stay in what will be your house once you've bought him out. Start looking at alternative childcare arrangements. Get child maintenance sorted, you can go through the CMS and fo a calculator. I would also be really wary at the moment about going abroad with this man. Can you use Covid as a reason you and the children don't go?

Absolutely do not agree to him not adhering to the court order, whatever the consequences.
Most likely he will cooperate with the kids arrangements etc. but if he doesn’t there’s nothing you can do anyway, you only have yourself to rely on.
So enforce the court order, please, don’t let him manipulate or control you whatever you do, that will work against you!! You’ve got it.

Thank you so much for your answers! This is really helpful. When he talked to me initially I thought maybe I am being unreasonably and should let him stay, at least the kids are in the house full time etc etc but after reading these posts and speaking to friends I can see that it’s not going to work. His motto in life is ‘my next day off’ so it could become indefinitely tbh. Everyone thinks then that I should definitely enforce it and not back down.
A couple more questions
-if I do have to pay for childcare this would mean me and the kids would have no money at all, is there a way to recover this from him somehow? Am I reading correctly that you need to complete form d11 for court if he is not adhering to court order? Is it worth going through solicitor, this would also cost a fortune again and I don’t have the money… I tried to ring rights of women helpline but after 100 phone calls I gave up yesterday, no one picked up

• I’m also wondering whether it’s worth me writing a warning letter to him and writing a letter to his family in his home country ( I can get someone to translate). I agree it wouldn’t be a fun visit atm. ApRt from how he is with me, the fact I have no money would make me trapped. His sister loves somewhere remote without running water and there isn’t even an address. I used to travel a lot when I was younger but with 2 small children I’d be quite trapped. He’s been basically telling his relatives that I probably want an adventure that’s why I filed for divorce and he’s amazing etc and because he supports them financially they are very much loyal to him although I’ve also sent money and gifts to them in the past. I think they want me to come.

So with the warning letter to him and just a letter to them, he’d probably ignore these or what anyone thinks but maybe it’s a good thing to do so he knows I’m serious and also they get my side of the story. I’d basically just say that I want to make them aware of the situation and the reasons why they can’t meet their nephew and niece until their dad adheres to court order. They might still think what is my problem or why I don’t trust them that they could look after them and just let him come by himself with them etc, 🤷🏻‍♀️ My concern is as well that with not having to pay any rent here or anything and with this injection of money he might get, he could decide to stay there for much longer and just not care about anything. This has happened before, where he stayed longer then we agreed and I had to ask my brother to help out but he wasn’t working at that time, wouldn’t be able to help again. Also the court order says he needs to give me £150 a month in child maintenance, if he doesn’t do it, do I just go through hmc? I’ve actually verbally agreed £100 to just leave me alone but I might just say let’s stick to what was agreed as the kids really need the money They are 5 and 6 btw. Thank you again everyone

Don't write to his family. You don't need to justify yourself to them. It is up to him to enable them to see the children not you.

Money through Cms if he isn't paying

Are you entitled to any benefits and help towards your childcare costs.

Thank you. I’m not entitled to any benefits. I guess I could get tax free childcare though which would decrease the cost slightly.
You’re right about his family, I don’t think that would change anything as he doesn’t listen to anyone anyway.

Hello, my advise would be not to take him to court to enforce the court order, but simply while he is out change the barrel lock in the door so he can’t get back in. If he bangs on the door so much that you feel you should let him in to avoid the noise/neighbours etc then call the police.
If you do take him back to court, is there an option on the form to get him to pay your fees as I think there often is? Maybe it would be worth spending £70 on the solicitor to ask if that’s possible and then money he owes you for that can be deducted from what you are going to pay him to but him out as if not he may not pay you back.
I will be honest, it seems like he is controlling and pushing back will be difficult.
The reliability of a good childminder and help with fees from Universal Credits if you are on a lower income is much better than the fear of him cancelling childcare at the last minute every time you don’t do as he wants you to

I agree with the idea that as soon as the house becomes yours, change the locks.
And yes plan not to rely on him financially at all. He will use money to control you

I agree that you can take steps to enforce the court order part mandating him to vacate your house by just changing the locks. You can call the police in advance, notify them that he breached the court order and this is what you intend to do, and ask them to be on stand by if you are in fear for your safety.
If he intends to breach one court order there's probably little value in you spending money trying to get another one, but it's worth spekaing to a solicitor quickly - if I read your message right, two weeks after you have paid him off he will be effectively trespassing which is a criminal offence and the police might be able too assist you in his removal.
The child maintenance - don't make any verbal agreements to reduce. You absolutely must put up strong boundaries. Court said he must pay £150, let him pay it. Sound like your children need it.
And a word of caution, whilst all this is going on, do NOT consider travelling to his country of origin with him, and definitely do not allow your children to go without you. This is a massive risk. You could find yourself in a very bad situation in a country where you don't even speak the language, and by the sounds of it is a little behind UK (her sister lives in a place without a proper address? ). Are you the primary carer? Has this been addressed as part of divorce proceedings? A massive red flag in my opinion. Think very carefully about this one.

Do not leave the country with this man he has proven he is not reliable
Don’t explain to his family take that out of your head you don’t need that there
Infirm police you are taking possession of your home and change locks
Make sure your children get the £150 don’t think of it as yours it’s for the family
It’s hard I know but he is not on your side and whatever he says you cannot trust him so you need to toughen up and follow through with the courts etc good luck

Thank you everyone, this is really helpful. It makes me realise that I definitely shouldn’t back down. I gave him a letter today in which I outlined what we agreed and that I want him to stick to it and I wrote that I will have to take legal action if he doesn’t and that I will indeed change the locks and remove his things if he doesn’t adhere to the court order and he tore it apart in front of me!! It took me a long time to write it and he just tore it apart without reading it! I also sent it as email so hopefully he will read it on there. I don’t know why I’m even surprised. I also spoke to my mum and she will help with childcare during holidays if necessary and can help me with childcare costs if it comes to that but I really would prefer it didn’t come to that. But at least feel better that there are some options if he is a total idiot. I just really can’t believe he is like that. When we met he was an asylum seeker and for a couple of years I supported him financially and through college. He didn’t have any money so not contributed anything to the mortgage. I’m trying to make him realise that the money he is getting from the mortgage and all the savings are for him to get a house for him and the kids and they are not just money for himself or as a reward for me ending the marriage.
I’m going to try rights if women today again and if not then I’ll make an appointment with my solicitor.
Yes, it’s an African country he is from. I speak a bit of French but not enough. The kids were supposed to be 3 days with him and 4 with me.
I’m not entitled to any benefits. But I don’t earn that much either, it seems that we will just be surviving if I don’t get him to do ir cover childcare and if he doesn’t give much in child maintenance. I won’t have any money left after bills, food etc.

150 a month is not huge amount
But don't back down from it

Do not go to his country with him
No need

When dc are older they can make that trip
Stand firm

Thanks! It’s not a lot and I only agreed on the basis that he would have the kids 3 nights and still pay for some things for them. It’s £150 a month in total. I need to ask solicitor how we stand if he doesn’t have the kids and how to change it. But he could just start getting paid in cash and try to evade this somehow. So frustrating!

This might seem a bit leftfield, but why is he going back to his home country if he was seeking asylum from that country? Generally, unless there has been a complete regime change in that country, it would be really frowned upon by the Home Office, leading to his immigration status being potentially revoked.

There’s a lot going on here with the court, the house, the mortgage, childcare etc…his demands seem kinda random and like they’re just designed to frustrate you BUT what if he is planning on absconding with the kids? Why all this talk about the trip anyway? It just tingles my spidey senses.

Just get him out the house as soon as the mortgage is changed, change locks, cut all remaining ties. If he doesn’t want to care for his kids then fine, better off without him. If he does then make sure that you keep the kids passports!

He never got a refugee status and wasn’t a real asylum seeker but became a British citizen through being married to me. So there isn’t an immigration status to revoke as he is now British.
His argument for travelling is that he wants the kids to meet their cousins etc which I support but now he is saying that he will go by himself it stops making sense? He actually told me he was going to apply for visas for them anyway and I made him aware that I won’t just give him their passports. They are well hidden.
I think his main goal in life is to show his relatives that he has made a man of himself. So he wants to go and show off. And he will be happy to massively inconvenience me as a punishment for I don’t know, leaving him?
Our relationship broke down because we didn’t spend any time with each other and I got fed up. For him I live in a cou cou land as life is about survival etc and I’ve been a nuisance to him for wanting to have a life.

If you really aren't entitled to any benefits at all, then Childminders are much cheaper than nurseries in my experience.

Ok I’ll look into that. Most people in my kids school use a breakfast and after school club. Breakfast club is £4.50 per day per child and starts at 7:30 am after school club is £10 per child per day. I’d need to pick them up at 6pm. I’m supposed to be working from 8am to 6pm 4 days a week so it’s still stretching it

I could check if there any child minders in the area

Make sure you keep the kids passports safe and maybe get a marker pit in them. If he has them for overnights, he might decide to take them away anyway.

What is a marker pit?

*put. Sorry

You CANNOT allow him any time alone with the children until he has:

1. Moved out

1. You have changed the locks

1. You have put a marker on their passports to say they mustn't be taken out of the country without your explicit permission - that you deny all permission for them to leave the country

1. You have told the school/nursery that they can't be picked up early by anyone apart from you

There is a VERY real risk that a man who ignores a court order to move out (and is stupid enough to tell you in advance) has underlying rage at you leaving him at all. He could act out in all sorts of ways. You need him out and you need to be safe.

Your children could be taken abroad and kept there unless you do the above

Thank you 🙏 a stupid question but how do you put the marker in passports?he’d never find them but I’ll do that anyway, that’s really good advice.
I’m so annoyed. I’ve just found out that he has accumulated 14k in savings in recent months so altogether he will have 45k in cash while I have absolutely nothing. He comes here Mon-wed drops them off at school, goes for a nap, picks them up, gives them tea and that’s it for 3 days and then has live In accommodation at work and doesn’t need to do anything. He doesn’t pay for his shares in bills (although he thinks he does) and has no real responsibilities. I’m so beyond frustrated. I’ve tried rights of women like 200 times but to no avail. I’m going to see if I can find cheaper legal advice. My solicitor charges almost £300 per hr plus vat!
At least I found out they have spaces in breakfast club if I need to use it. Just waiting for after school club.
I don’t know how I’d cope in the summer though if he refuses to do childcare.