Divorce after short marriage.

[Lostmyway86]

I've finally snapped tonight. I realise now I'm in an emotionally abuse relationship. I should have known from the beginning really as my husband's ex (with whom he has 2 children with) has been claiming it since they split a year before I met him. I spent many years believing she was the crazy ex, endorsed by my DH, husbands family and friends.

We've been together 5 years, married 2 and have 2 baby DC together. We own a house. I've been in the fog of having two babies, two back to back maternity leaves and in a pandemic and whilst many red flags, I just haven't had the time or energy to address it.

Well now I'm back at work, my mind is clearer, I'm getting time away from the babies and I can see that's he's been chipping away at me for years, charming my family but slowly trying to drag me down. I won't go into details but I'm determined I'm done. I do most of the parenting for my SDs when they're with us most weekends, which I realise now he's left to me. I'm pretty sure he only got with me as a replacement mother to his children and found out he tried to get back with his ex early on in our relationship. I care for my SDs, but I do not have the energy to continue parenting 4 children with an emotionally abusive husband. I need to leave and focus on my DDs away from him. He has raised his fist at me and once dragged me across the floor by my hair so it has been physical.

So please could somebody tell me what the next steps are for divorce proceedings if we've only been married 2 years? I'd rather not go down the abusive route, I've seen that get nasty between DH and his ex. I would like a clean split, amicable for my DDs which it won't be if abuse is thrown in. Do we have to be officially split for 2 years? I really don't want to leave the house but don't think he will. We have split finances, he has lots in investments and I have a modest amount saved from my house sale which happened after our marriage, I believe he'd therefore we entitled to half. I would be happy for us to both take what we have and split the house but I just don't know where to start.

Sorry, nothing of use to add, just wanted to say that it sounds horrible and hope you're ok

Hi OP, I've left my shitty husband after a similar time scale. You can file for divorce straight away, but your husband would need to be willing to accept fault; the grounds are adultery, unreasonable behaviour or desertion. For desertion he needs to have left you for a period of two years so realistically it would be adultery or unreasonable behaviour.

If you wait 2 years you can get a no-fault divorce. If he wont agree you can get one without his agreement after 5 years. I'm 11 months into my 2 year count down.

@carleyemma91 thank you and sorry you've been through similar. What I don't understand is how you'd define being separated for 2 years to get the no fault divorce. Would you have to move out? Or could you technically be living under the same roof but separated. We've been on and off for about a year, so really should only have another year but I don't get how you'd prove that.

I really don't think he'd accept unreasonable behaviour...if he did does that affect the outcome of the divorce? E.g less contact with kids or money or anything like that?

@mollysdolly thank you it's been pretty shitty!

[quote Lostmyway86]@carleyemma91 thank you and sorry you've been through similar. What I don't understand is how you'd define being separated for 2 years to get the no fault divorce. Would you have to move out? Or could you technically be living under the same roof but separated. We've been on and off for about a year, so really should only have another year but I don't get how you'd prove that.

I really don't think he'd accept unreasonable behaviour...if he did does that affect the outcome of the divorce? E.g less contact with kids or money or anything like that?[/quote]
If I remember correctly (and I might not sorry) you did have to be living apart but could be in the same household for something like 6 weeks. I moved out with our baby so I have a tenancy agreement to support my moving out date.

You mentioned that he was abusive - and firstly I am so sorry to hear that. You might be able to get more support from a domestic abuse charity who might be able to at least shimmy a move on and get you proper legal advice.

from April can do a no fault divorce, if that helps.

I am really sorry you're going through this OP. I can totally relate. Since your marriage is short at 2 years, this will impact you when negotiating the split of finances, on the one hand it might help protect your savings/assets but on the other you might not have as much claim to his assets/investments like if you had a 15 yr marriage for example although since you have 2 children of the marriage, they will need to be provided for at least even if you don't want spousal support. Please go to the gov.uk website under Divorce and Separation as it gives you a step by step of what the conditions are to file for divorce and what to do - you can apply online yourself however it doesn't sound like you would have the time.

You definitely do not need to leave your home because of your children. Please do some research, there are solicitors who specialise in domestic abuse divorce cases if you want to go down that route. It boils down to what your aims are, what your legal options are and how much you're willing to negotiate/compromise to get as close as possible to what you want. I would get the process started, it will always take longer than you think and if your H decides to be uncooperative, the delay will be longer.

Even though you’ve only been married for 2 years, the courts will count the length of the relationship from when you started co-habiting, which might tick you over into medium length marriage - that’s what happened when I divorced ExH, but we didn’t have children so the finances were simple

In terms of fault, you can wait til spring when ‘no fault’ divorces are possible, or file now citing ‘unreasonable behaviour’

In terms of the finances, have an initial meeting with a solicitor and see what they think.

Thank you for your advice and replies.

@waterspider is the law changing from April?

I would much rather wait til spring if the law is changing and I can get a no fault divorce. I don't want to go down the unreasonable behaviour route if I can avoid it. I've seen it tear my DH, his ex, my SDs and me and the SDs stepdad apart. If I can avoid that I will.